08 April 2013

Reality

Spring cleaning started at my house. The problem? i just moved in, it's only me living there AND i am slightly obsessed with cleaning. In other words, i had to dig pretty deep to find something to organize/clean. i attacked my storage boxes with a vengeance. That put me organizing and digging through old memories including pictures, ticket stubs and, most of all, letters. Binders upon binders of letters that we had sent each other. Basic Training, Advanced Training. Semester abroad. Deployment. Mission. Deployment again.

i was "shockingly cavalier" about the letters...even flipped through and read some of them. i realized that some of the things in my boxes really needed to be returned to the ex. Since i work for a shuttle company, i decided to just shuttle down the letters and memories that rightly belonged to him.

Of course life has to be complicated and the box didn't end up where it was supposed to go when it was supposed to go and a couple of coworkers ended up getting involved. Both of them, dear friends of mine, expressed curiosity over what was heading down in the box ("venomous snakes? the ashes that were once your wedding dress?" etc). When i explained, both had similar reactions.

One said, "Wow! All those letters. People just don't have that these days. What you had was so romantic. i can't believe that with all of that in your past, you are not together. It seems like it all belongs in a movie." The other, "It would be the end all if you end up back together. All those letters and all those past stories and then a time apart. Imagine if there was a reconciliation. A 'Love Triumphs and Conquers All' kind of moment. It would be ridiculously romantic and over-the-top dramatic."

i think that is what the ex thinks too. But here is the truth.

i don't want a fairytale. i don't want a "rom-com." i don't want to be swept away with love notes, promises, roses and grand gestures. i don't want dramatic reunions in airports and public displays of affection. i don't want the past. i don't want a "happy ending" because i don't believe in the kind of endings that come in movies and books...in "happily ever afters."

i would like to be whole and happy in and of myself.

And if there ever is a man, i would like him to be whole and happy in and of himself.

He would be someone who compliments me, not someone who completes me. Not someone who needs me to be complete. i would love someone who would say "This is it. This is who i am. It's all out here on the table" from the very get-go. Who sees me as i am too, my divorced baggage and all. We would both know that life is hard; it's not a fairytale. It's not all picnics and vacations and sunshine and snuggling and picture perfect movie moments.

Those who know me know that i have always been a hopeless romantic. But not this time. i may be a romantic, but i am also strong. Stronger than i ever knew.

i don't want a romantic story. i want reality.

After all, this is not a movie; this is my life.
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