3 Days

i don't even know what to say. i am feeling all of the feelings. 

Am i scared?

Terrified.

But i am also so confident in my decision. This marriage is a choice. Loving Mr B is a choice. I choose to love him and he chooses to love me. We choose one another and choose to commit to our family.

Some one asked Mr B, "When did you know that Jennifer was the one?" He responded, "It's not a matter of knowing, it is a matter of choosing."

Our favorite quote, one that we believe deeply, is by Lynn G. Robbins:

"True love is not something you fall in, but grow in. It is not happenstance as much as something you control, choose and act upon."

We have spent the last one and a half years growing our roots. Now that they are established and ever deepening, we are ready to start this family and see our love grow into a something beautiful. We know that if we continue to choose and act, we will see the fruits, like love, joy, and peace.

Thus we move forward with faith in the face of fear. We try to be realistic wrapped up in hope and faith. And i am pleased to start this adventure with such a strong, pure, selfless, gentle, GOOD man.

i can't keep my fingers out of those curls

Get Real

My amazing sister did our engagement shoot. Before she had all the pictures uploaded, she sent me a text with this teaser:

i automatically forwarded it to a ton of my friends. Of course, their responses were mostly the same.

Heart eye emojis
"I love it!"
"So beautiful!"
"So perfect for the two of you!"
"OMgoodness!"

And lots of exclamation marks.

This is exactly the response that i was looking and hoping for. Much validation that we looked amazing. Which means we are going to be just fine, right?

However, one of my friends and i had a little bit of a different conversation. It started the same--i sent her the picture, lots of exclamations of joy followed, etc. For some reason, i didn't just leave it at a "thanks!" response back. Maybe it is because i know she is going through a hard time and i didn't want to shove my "joy" in her face (hypothetically speaking). But i think the actual reason is that part of me was aching to just be real--to explain a little about what i was feeling.

So i responded: "What the picture doesn't show was Mr B whispering in my ear, 'I'm kind of freaking out.' And me saying, 'Me too. Just remember to breathe.' And him saying 'We can do this, right?' And me responding, 'I'm not sure but i hope so!'"

My friend texted back "I love the truth of all that! That's real life!"

In that moment it really hit me. How when you see a "perfect" picture, you have no idea what is really going on. i'm not saying that the emotions in my engagement shoot (or in anyone's happy pictures) are not genuine. In fact, i think the reason i love the photos so much is that they genuinely captured us. What i am saying is that there are so many layers, complexities and situations that are not visible at a quick glance--or without being told.

Sometimes we tell the stories behind the pictures. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we feel like we need the validation more than we need the connection of understanding. But real validation comes from real connection which stems from vulnerability.

Some people have earned the right to our vulnerability and some haven't.

i suppose that is why i struggle with social media mediums--it feels like it's either very shallow, or the dirty laundry is hanging out on the line for everyone to see. There are a very few people, i feel, that have found a healthy balance in being real without floodlighting their followers.

Here is me trying to find that balance. Let me get real. i love Mr B. i am excited to marry him. i thank God every night that my life moved in unexpected ways so that i could have the chance to be his wife.

i'm scared. i'm afraid that i will be hurt again. i sometimes have minor meltdowns which end in me bawling on the floor because i'm scared Mr B will leave me--all the while he is standing there watching with wide eyes saying, "I'm right here. And I'm going to be here tomorrow." i'm afraid that i will love and give my all and that it won't be enough.

And yet...i'm plunging in because this is what life is all about. We have agreed to take it one day at a time--even one moment at a time when necessary.

"TRUST the wait. EMBRACE the uncertainty. ENJOY the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, ANYTHING is possible."

Faithfulness

On Saturday the 20th of February, Mr. B and i went on a winter adventure! In the summertime, we spent many days hiking and driving through Yellowstone National Park. Neither of us had ever been in the winter. To celebrate his birthday, we decided to take a snowmobiling tour from West Yellowstone up to Old Faithful and back.

One of the things i loved about being up in the park in the winter is that the roads are closed, which cuts down on the amount of people there. The only vehicle traffic is snow mobiles and snow coaches. Although we did have to share the road with some other traffic:

Baby bison! So cute!

i absolutely loved going through the park behind Mr B. i could enjoy the view. We saw an eagle, bison, elk, swans, and geese.

Along the road we stopped at Firehole Falls, an overlook or two and a couple of geyser basins. Everything was more dramatic all covered in snow and then still steaming. The sun was out and i was in awe at the beauty of it all. i especially enjoyed the mudpots and there was one geyser going off close to the walkway that (because of the cold) was letting off steam to the extent that we could barely see far enough ahead of us to walk.

When we got to the Old Faithful Inn, we had two hours to spend there. All of the other snow mobilers ran off to the lodge to eat at the cafe. It was cold and windy outside, so i understood them. But that's not OUR style. We went on a three mile hike up to see Morning Glory pool (quite a feat in snow boots!) Along the way, we were lucky enough to see a couple of other impressive geysers going off. 

But the best part? It happened at Old Faithful.

We found a spot back around the geyser where we could sit on the walkway and watch it erupt.We weren't as close, but there weren't a bunch of people either. Plus, it was a great spot for our little picnic.

We started talking about Old Faithful. Mr B pointed out how it wasn't the biggest geyser in the park, yet it was iconic of Yellowstone. This is because of how predictable it is. They can't nail it down to the minute, but it is consistently erupting within 20 mins of the predicted time. No matter what else happens in Yellowstone, you know that you will be able to see Old Faithful go off. What a fitting name for it.

Old Faithful

Then Mr B said, "That's what I want to be for you, Jennifer. I may not be the grandest or the showiest person. I may not be always right on point. But I will always be consistent. Something you can depend on and count on. Faithful. I want to always be there for you."

i thought it was the sweetest thing ever and got quite a bit choked up. But i was still clueless. So when he got down on one knee, it still took me a moment to register what was happening.

And then he asked me to marry him.

In front of Old Faithful

i honestly don't even remember if i ever even said 'yes.' i was so surprised and excited and overwhelmed and  happy. So so happy.

So here we are, planning a wedding and planning for our life together. And i love this man. i choose to love him everyday. And he chooses everyday to love me. 

To B or Not to B

He asked me.

i said yes.

The future Mr and Mrs B

Because i don't care for Valentine's Day either

Please, go read this.

PLEASE???

Then come back and tell me what you think.

It's everything that is in my soul that i would want to say, but do not have the eloquence to do it.


If my begging isn't enough to convince you, here are my favorite tid-bits:


'Don’t believe the lie that a person will complete you. A person can never complete you. They will add onto you. They will show you reality. They will push you out of your comfort zone but they will never complete you. If you are looking for completion in the form of two blue eyes, it isn’t waiting for you there. Go look elsewhere.'

'Before you can be sure of another person you must be sure of yourself. I cannot say this enough. You must be willing to bet on yourself. This does not mean you have to be perfect or anywhere near it. You can always be better, but are you enough? There’s a difference between being better and being enough.'


'The one is just a person, like you. They will be imperfect and salty. They will let you down and forget important dates. They will burn the toast and they will sing out of tune sometimes. The one is just a person in your life who gets your extra portions of grace. The one is just a person who gets the majority of your texts, tears, and prayers. They pick you. You pick them.'

And my favorite of all:

So if you want a damn adventure then you must pack the bag and go. Buy your own coffee. Make your own playlists. Plan your own road trips. See the things you want to see just for the simple fact that they matter enough to you. A match on Tinder will not live your dreams for you.
(Hannah Brencher)

i believe this with all of my heart. This was me a year ago, celebrating "Valentine's Day" on my own adventure:

Convinced yet? Go read it. The whole thing is amazing!

Cross Country Skiing

Mr B is an advanced cross country skier. Last winter, when we first started dating, we talked about going skiing together, but it never happened. We were determined not to go through another winter without me giving it a go.

And i am SO glad. Just like trail running, it perfectly combined my love of running with Mr B's love of the outdoors...and our joint love of enjoying the beauty of Idaho/Wyoming.

Over the Christmas break we took three ski trips to three different locations. My little brother joined us for the first two trips.

The first trip was up Teton Canyon. It was snowing like crazy. We bundled up and Mr B taught Ian and i the basics. It took us a bit to get the hang of it (especially in the snow that made the tracks fairly undefined) and we were tired at the end, but the view was lovely and we enjoyed it.

Me and Ian skiing through the snowstorm

Mr B, Me and Ian covered in snow

Me heading back down the canyon

Me and Ian getting the hang of things

Me "Am i doing this right?"

On our second outing, the weather was much more favorable. We went up around the Island Park Dam. It was overcast and lightly snowing, but warmer and we weren't getting wet at all. i especially enjoyed the scenery on our jaunt as we followed the river and saw large amounts of swans swimming away.

About to start our adventure

Mr B leads the way

Over the river and through the woods

i can't believe that was real

Having too much fun to want to go home

Winter wonderland

The Saturday after Christmas it was -14 degrees Fahrenheit and i woke up with horrible stomach cramps. So, i did the only sensible thing...went on an 8 mile cross country ski trip with Mr B around Harriman State Park. Ian opted to stay home in the warmth.

It was actually invigorating to be out and about it the cold cold clear day. i found i preferred it to the warmer weather with the snow. And i was honestly shocked that i could work up a sweat in weather that cold. Besides, the cold kept people away and we were lone skiers.

Trust me, it was colder than it looks

Stopped in warming hut: Icicles forming everywhere (even in the eyelashes)

Smiling...even if you can't tell

Hurrah for winter adventures! And long underwear. And hot chocolate, fuzzy blankets and snuggling afterwards :)

"What wonderful thing didn't start out scary?" Isaac Marion

Mr B and i have been dating for just over a year. 

It has been a slow, building, challenging, lovely, scary, exciting year of starting a relationship. And really, all we have done is lay the foundation. We still haven't decided whether or not to build a family on that foundation. But i have learned so much about myself, about love and about healthy relationships in the year we have had together.

"People talk so much about some ideal perfect love that is effortless and easy; a love that you just 'fall into.' Well in my opinion, that's just a bunch of bologna and not realistic at all. TRUE love takes a lot of hard work! It's not about falling into it, it's about BUILDING IT UP." 

-Jacy Boyack

i have said time and again on this blog, in my journal and in my conversations that i do NOT want a fairy tale. i want reality. i think during this past year i realized what it is that i want. i want a true, stable, firm, immovable love. Not infatuation. Something that isn't felt; something that is built and created and nurtured. Something that is a daily decision.

"People have defined love in their heads as a feeling...This 'burning felling' of love, though, is infatuation, and infatuation does not last. Infatuation is not love. Infatuation is immature. It's easy. It doesn't require anything of you. Love requires everything of you. Love requires sacrifice and work and diligence and faithfulness. It is not an easy emotion." 

-Scott Braithwaite

It is a scary business, love. It is vulnerable. It is being real and raw and emotionally naked. There are no guarantees. Which means, i could get hurt.

"Loving someone is a process. Whether that's God, or that's another sticky human, it's a process. The movies will say it's something different but--no matter how instant that first draw to someone is--love is a building process. It's doors unlocking. It's windows breaking. It's the discovery of new rooms inside of yourself. It's the dark. And it's the light. And it's dark and light all scrambled into one. At the root of it, it's a slow, trusting, building process that starts with letting someone in." 

-Hannah Brencher

i don't know what the future brings. i don't know how long Mr B will be in my life. There are so many factors out of my control (and many out of his) that it would be impossible to surmise. But i do have control of me and my actions. And i am choosing to continue to invest in, work toward, and build up a relationship with this amazing man. 

"True love is not something you fall in, but grow in. It is not happenstance as much as something you control, choose and act upon." 

-Lynn G Robbins

Each day i feel myself pulled out of my comfort zone. Isn't that where we grow and become better people? i want someone who will stretch me to be better and work harder and fly higher.

"People don't fall in love; you pick someone with whom you can create the love you desire." 

-Susan Bednar

i'm glad Mr B is in my life. Right now, i pick him.

Bryce Canyon

When we were down in St George for my marathon in October, Mr B and i stopped by Cedar Breaks on our way back north. It gave me a desire to visit Bryce Canyon, but i didn't think that it was going to happen this year.

And then, a couple of weeks ago, one Tuesday night we were discussing our weekend plans. For some reason, i suggested driving to southern Utah to Bryce Canyon that weekend. Not really expecting Mr B to take me seriously, i was shocked when he said, "Well....I'd just have to be back for my meetings on Sunday morning..."

So we went!

 We drove down to Provo on Friday after work. Saturday morning, we woke up early and finished the trip, arriving mid-morning to the canyon. Mr B had never been there. i was sooo excited for him to see it, that i was bouncing for most of our drive.

looking out over Inspiration Point

We spent the first couple of hours at the different lookout points, getting a view of the amphitheater from above and enjoying a picnic lunch. 

Dusting of snow

Although i had visited, i had never hiked down among the hoodoos. After some research, i had selected a 7 mile hike for us that looped in a figure 8 and combined three of the "best trails" in that part of the park. We were pretty stoked as we dropped down into the slot-like canyons. It didn't take us long to realize that you can't grasp the magnitude of the place until you get down inside and hike around the amphitheater.

There were some other hikers (especially at the very start of the hike) but it was pretty empty for the most part. It was chilly during the day, with the high temperature peaking in the mid40s. But with the beautiful sunshine (and our fairly strenuous hike) we were just fine.

The most surprising thing to me was how interesting and different every mile of the hike was. Sometimes we were right next to the hoodoos and the trees:

Sometimes we were in narrow slot canyons between fins:

Sometimes we were going through tunnels:

And, sometimes those tunnels led us to look out over fabulous vistas:

Besides that, the hike was very up and down and windy, which kept it engaging and exciting.

Looking down on the switchbacks we just climbed

We took sooo many pictures because we were both blown away by the unique beauty of the place. In the end, we finally realized a camera was never going to capture it.

After our hike, we went out to "Bryce Overlook" which was the best one of the park. We bundled up, got ourselves our picnic dinner and watched the sunset.

Then we bundled up even more (man did it get cold!) and hunkered down to watch the stars come out. The milky way appeared in the sky above us. We both saw several brightly shooting stars and saw the moon set. It was cold, clear and stunningly beautiful. When we were sufficiently frozen, we trooped back to the car and drove back to Provo for the night.

Based on the storm the swept into the west this week, that will be our last non-snow related adventure of the year. i'm so grateful we had a chance to do one last spontaneous hike together in a magnificent place.

Defining "Good"

One of my favorite bloggers posted today with the title 'Defining Good.' Her post is neither here nor there with mine...except for the title.

When i saw those two words, i thought of all the times a day that i am asked "How are you?" and the automatic reply is "i'm fine" or "i'm good." But how i am is so much deeper than "good." In different times in my life, that "good" has meant:

*i'm barely hanging on
*i'm exhausted
*i'm a nervous wreck
*i'm so excited i can barely contain myself
*i'm struggling
*i'm loving life
*i'm overwhelmed
*i'm content

i thought that today i would define what "good" for me is right now. It's October. It's one of my favorite times of the year. This is how i am doing:

*i'm mourning the end of summer. Usually all i do is revel in the Autumn. And i do still love it (more on that to come) but this summer has been absolutely golden. The reality of it ending is hitting hard. On our way home from southern Utah, we drove up to a National Monument called "Cedar Breaks."

When i mentioned that it reminded me of Bryce Canyon, Mr B told me that he had never been there! i knew he would love it and we started talking about taking a trip to see it. Then we both realized that the holidays were almost upon us and then it would be snowy winter. Even at the beginning of early October, i found myself freezing as we visited that over look.

That sun in the distance! ::gorgeous::

Although i'm sure we will have plenty of amazing winter adventures together (especially since Mr B cross country skies!!) i am truly sad to have the summer end.

* That being said, i am honestly enjoying my October. i love when the trees change colors and have been leaf collecting.

Ian was up visiting this weekend and we spent Saturday morning picking apples (Sidenote: for a couple of weeks Mr B and i have been drying apples and making juice and applesauce). Saturday afternoon i got to sit on the bank of the river and watch Ian and Mr B fly fishing.

Mr B's mad fishing skills

Then we huddled by a fire while roasting dinner and dessert under a sky full of stars. Sunday morning, we enjoyed a breakfast of warm applesauce and hot chocolate, still bundled up in slippers and pjs while the cold Autumn air blew in through all of the open windows. i really do love this season.

* i'm not running very much. This is slightly discouraging since i love the fall weather and know that all too soon i will be confined to an indoor track. Ever since my last half marathon, i have had a pretty major pain in my right leg. i only ran about 20 miles total between that half and the St George marathon. And i honestly didn't even know the night before if i should run in the full. Since then i haven't run again (i know...it's only been just over a week, but it seems like an eternity for me). i don't know if i am struggling with shin splints, a stress fracture or just over exertion. Either way, it's a nagging worry in the back of my mind (and pain in my leg!) that won't go away. And i miss the therapy that running provides for me.

* i'm working very hard on my spiritual development and with my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. i was able to attend a session of the General Conference of my church for the first time ever. It's broadcast across the world every 6 months, but this time i was able to go to Salt Lake City and sit among the lucky 22,000 members who were in the conference center at Temple Square.

Nosebleed, but that's ok!

There were so many talks that stuck out to me (thank you President Nelson for encouraging STRONG women who aren't afraid to stand up for what they believe). Along with my older sister, and now Mr B as well, i have taken the challenge suggested in conference to ponder a different scripture each week--to put it in a visible place, read it, memorize it and talk about it for the duration of the week. i have stuck the scripture to my computer at work, my mirror and home and made it the homescreen on my phone. It's only been 2 weeks and i already feel my spirit being strengthened for having a continual focus on the things of God.

* i am getting ready for Halloween! My house is all decorated, the Edward Scissorhand soundtrack is playing on Spotify, Mr B is growing a mustache for costume purposes and we did some pumpkin carving.

 * i am processing through anxiety about the future. Developing a relationship with Mr B is very vulnerable. As our lives get ever more intertwined, i have to face my shame messages, my trauma and my fears. (What if we don't work out? i'm probably not good enough for him. What if he hurts me like i have been hurt so many times in the past?)

It is requiring me to constantly reground myself. My deep truths are on repeat to replace the faulty core beliefs. My mantras include-- i AM enough. My happiness does not depend on Mr B or anyone else. My self worth does not depend on my relationship status.

i am working toward mindfulness. Every day i focus on leaning into the uncomfortable, embracing the joy of the moment and finding gratitude in the connection that comes from vulnerability.

It's thrilling and scary and exciting and nerve wracking and comfortable and uncomfortable and all sorts of delicious to be with him.

 So how am i?

i'm good! Really and truly good.