13 October 2015

Defining "Good"

One of my favorite bloggers posted today with the title 'Defining Good.' Her post is neither here nor there with mine...except for the title.

When i saw those two words, i thought of all the times a day that i am asked "How are you?" and the automatic reply is "i'm fine" or "i'm good." But how i am is so much deeper than "good." In different times in my life, that "good" has meant:

*i'm barely hanging on
*i'm exhausted
*i'm a nervous wreck
*i'm so excited i can barely contain myself
*i'm struggling
*i'm loving life
*i'm overwhelmed
*i'm content

i thought that today i would define what "good" for me is right now. It's October. It's one of my favorite times of the year. This is how i am doing:

*i'm mourning the end of summer. Usually all i do is revel in the Autumn. And i do still love it (more on that to come) but this summer has been absolutely golden. The reality of it ending is hitting hard. On our way home from southern Utah, we drove up to a National Monument called "Cedar Breaks."

When i mentioned that it reminded me of Bryce Canyon, Mr B told me that he had never been there! i knew he would love it and we started talking about taking a trip to see it. Then we both realized that the holidays were almost upon us and then it would be snowy winter. Even at the beginning of early October, i found myself freezing as we visited that over look.

That sun in the distance! ::gorgeous::
Although i'm sure we will have plenty of amazing winter adventures together (especially since Mr B cross country skies!!) i am truly sad to have the summer end.

* That being said, i am honestly enjoying my October. i love when the trees change colors and have been leaf collecting.

Ian was up visiting this weekend and we spent Saturday morning picking apples (Sidenote: for a couple of weeks Mr B and i have been drying apples and making juice and applesauce). Saturday afternoon i got to sit on the bank of the river and watch Ian and Mr B fly fishing.

Mr B's mad fishing skills
Then we huddled by a fire while roasting dinner and dessert under a sky full of stars. Sunday morning, we enjoyed a breakfast of warm applesauce and hot chocolate, still bundled up in slippers and pjs while the cold Autumn air blew in through all of the open windows. i really do love this season.

* i'm not running very much. This is slightly discouraging since i love the fall weather and know that all too soon i will be confined to an indoor track. Ever since my last half marathon, i have had a pretty major pain in my right leg. i only ran about 20 miles total between that half and the St George marathon. And i honestly didn't even know the night before if i should run in the full. Since then i haven't run again (i know...it's only been just over a week, but it seems like an eternity for me). i don't know if i am struggling with shin splints, a stress fracture or just over exertion. Either way, it's a nagging worry in the back of my mind (and pain in my leg!) that won't go away. And i miss the therapy that running provides for me.

* i'm working very hard on my spiritual development and with my personal relationship with my Heavenly Father. i was able to attend a session of the General Conference of my church for the first time ever. It's broadcast across the world every 6 months, but this time i was able to go to Salt Lake City and sit among the lucky 22,000 members who were in the conference center at Temple Square.

Nosebleed, but that's ok!
There were so many talks that stuck out to me (thank you President Nelson for encouraging STRONG women who aren't afraid to stand up for what they believe). Along with my older sister, and now Mr B as well, i have taken the challenge suggested in conference to ponder a different scripture each week--to put it in a visible place, read it, memorize it and talk about it for the duration of the week. i have stuck the scripture to my computer at work, my mirror and home and made it the homescreen on my phone. It's only been 2 weeks and i already feel my spirit being strengthened for having a continual focus on the things of God.

* i am getting ready for Halloween! My house is all decorated, the Edward Scissorhand soundtrack is playing on Spotify, Mr B is growing a mustache for costume purposes and we did some pumpkin carving.

 * i am processing through anxiety about the future. Developing a relationship with Mr B is very vulnerable. As our lives get ever more intertwined, i have to face my shame messages, my trauma and my fears. (What if we don't work out? i'm probably not good enough for him. What if he hurts me like i have been hurt so many times in the past?)

It is requiring me to constantly reground myself. My deep truths are on repeat to replace the faulty core beliefs. My mantras include-- i AM enough. My happiness does not depend on Mr B or anyone else. My self worth does not depend on my relationship status.

i am working toward mindfulness. Every day i focus on leaning into the uncomfortable, embracing the joy of the moment and finding gratitude in the connection that comes from vulnerability.

It's thrilling and scary and exciting and nerve wracking and comfortable and uncomfortable and all sorts of delicious to be with him.

 So how am i?

i'm good! Really and truly good.

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