30 August 2012

Empire State of Mind

You know where i want to be?

...and so i am going.

i'm planning a trip sometime in October. Just a weekend trip. The focus will be the museums with a Broadway show thrown in there. Maybe some other site seeing. i will be keeping things as cheap as possible.

Who's with me? i'm serious...i would love to have some company. (Otherwise, i WILL go alone). The more the merrier. Get in touch with me if you are interested.

These streets will make you feel brand new, big lights will inspire you. Let's hear it for NEW YORK!!

28 August 2012

Brahms and a book...

...soothing for the soul.

A few friends and my counselor recommended that i read something happy, light-hearted and fun. Well, i was already entrenched in a novel...Dostoevsky, actually. Hmm. Perhaps not the most "uplifting" of novels. However, being already immersed in the throes of the deceit, insanity, murder and corruption of the Karamazov brothers, i endeavored to finish. Now, a mere 100 pages away from the ending (in which, i am assured by Katie S, that all the main characters will die...as they always do in Russian literature) i believe that i made a correct choice in continuing this novel. i find catharsis in yelling at the loose women, cursing the bastard brothers with their desire for the immoral, and crying over the destruction that a lack of values leaves in its wake. Thank you, Dostoevsky, for another heartbreaking masterpiece; and thank you Brahms for supplying the soundtrack.

i leave you with two fitting Emily Dickinson poems:

"There is no frigate like a book
To take us lands away,
Nor any coursers like a page
Of prancing poetry.

This traverse may the poorest take
Without oppress of toll;
How frugal is the chariot
That bears a human soul!"

"Unto my books so good to turn
Far ends of tired days;
IT half endears the abstinence,
And pain is missed in praise.

As flavors cheer retarded guests
With banquetings to be,
So spices stimulate the time
Till my small library.

It may be wilderness without,
Far feet of failing men,
But holiday excludes the night,
And it is bells within.

I think these kinsmen of the shelf;
Their countenances bland
Enamour in prospective,
And satisfy, obtained."

24 August 2012


Some of my recent infatuations:

*These songs (i listen to them several many times a day):

*Green Smoothies. My favorite recipe (because it's easy and delicious):

1 banana
1 peach
2 cups spinach
2 cups water

*Wii Fit Super Hula Hoop and Rythym Kung Fu. Dorky? Maybe. Silly? Definitely. Fun? i think so.

*11,002 things to be miserable about. by Lia Romeo and Nick Romeo. AND...i just discovered that they also have a  website and an iPhone ap! i never knew misery could make me so happy :)

*These yoga poses which have seriously released the tension in my back:

*Journaling. Right now the pages are filled with disjointed, raw emotions--better out than in.

*My bathroom scale. i am absolutely amazed by the dramatic day to day fluctuations. Stress really makes my weight ride a rollercoaster.

*My friend, Rubi's beautiful blog.

*Essie's "A Cut Above" pink glitter polish. It's like a party on my toes.

*Colorblocking. I love it. Even if i'm not brave enough to do it myself.

21 August 2012


There have been situations in my life where i have grown to detest certain questions. i heard them over and over and never came up with a good answer. For example:

"How was your mission?"
"How is married life?"
"What are you going to do with your degree?"

Now there are two questions i cringe everytime i hear...

"How are you?"
"Are you ok?"

Whether they are said in passing or in sincere concern, i honestly have no clue how to respond. Do they want the truth? How much of the truth should i give? What is the truth? Sometimes i want to say, "My husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. How do you think i am? Would you be ok?" Usually i smile and say, "Fine, thanks. I'm fine."

After much thought i devised an answer that i believe encompasses the truth and yet won't make the questioner feel as uncomfortable as if i had said, "Life is shitty, thanks for asking."  i can quite sincerely say, "i'm surviving." That about sums my life up. i get up in the morning and get ready for the day. i eat (most of the time). i talk to the people around me. i work on organizing my 3-bedroom-2.5-bath-garage-huge-apartment-full of stuff into my one bedroom. i fight the desire to crawl under the covers and sleep/hide the hours away. i try to keep the birds from crying all day. i listen to classical music (no lyrics or memories that make me extra emotional). i veg with Erika. i get ready for bed. i close my door. i fall apart until i am so exhausted i collapse. i have more nightmares than good sleep. i repeat.

But i'm surviving. For three reasons: my family, my friends, my God.

My family...what can i even say about them? Erika and Chad pulled me into their home. They ignore my screaming birds and my occasional sulks. They let me fill up their garage with my boxes until i can pull myself together enough to get a storage unit. Stephanie reminds me that life will go on, but that i am allowed to mourn a bit right now. Ian prays for me (and who could ask for more than the prayers of a missionary). Mom helps me to be practical and take care of the stuff i just don't have the strength to deal with. Dad just knows me better than anyone and reminds me that i am still special and loved.

My friends text, email, call. You have been non-judgmental. Thank you for putting my name on the prayer roll. Thank you for sending me uplifting music (it does touch my heart ever so much). Thank you for calling even when i didn't think i wanted calls. For spending the time to come see me. Thank you for the texts (man am i happy when i hear my phone beep). For offering your homes to me. For being "there" even though some of you are so far away (well...all of you, now).

And i have a testimony. My prayers are heard. i am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me, and i love Him. Someday, i have faith and hope, i will find peace and happiness again.

Until then, i am surviving.