24 November 2012

It was one of those nights...

i slept so incredible, it knocked my socks off.

21 November 2012


i was speaking with a new friend the other day who has been divorced for about a year (and is entertainingly pro-divorce). As he talked about the different stages he went through, he concluded with "Divorce is just so liberating!!" While i do not necessarily agree (or disagree) with his statement, it got me thinking...about freedom, free agency and the control that i have over my own life.

When all this began, i was completely hung up on the fact that events were out of my control; i didn't want a divorce, i couldn't fix his problems, i couldn't save my marriage and i wasn't even given a chance to try. i had no choice in the matter and it made me feel angry and panicked and sick.

On my first day in NYC i was determined to leave it all behind me. i was by myself and ready to lose myself in the city. i was standing in the middle of Grand Central Station...the first landmark i stopped at in NYC...when i received an emotionally draining phone call. In fact, it left me standing there, on the phone bawling my eyes out (and also thinking, "This is unreal! Like a scene from a movie! Please tell me this stuff happens to other people!") This phone call gave me, for the first time i felt, some choice in what was happening in my life. And surprisingly, my initial reaction was "i don't want to make that decision!! Why do i have to choose?"

The rest of that day in NYC i spent by myself, wandering around, crying, smiling, forgetting everything, thinking of everything; i realized that i had been playing the victim card. i decided it wasn't what i wanted to do. Sure, i had been hurt. Sure, i had no control over many many things. But i realized i still had control of my own life and my own actions. Not only that, i DID want to be able to choose. And i have surprised myself with the tough choices that i have been able to make.

i am so grateful on this Thanksgiving Eve for my free agency. i am grateful that when things spin out of control, i am still free to choose what new path to take. i am grateful for the liberating freedom in looking out for myself and choosing to stay on a path i didn't originally choose, but that i hope will ultimately bring me peace.

19 November 2012

You know what this means?

That's right! i moved...again.

I sent my stuff ahead of me on a truck and my mom came and helped me drive my little car to our destination. (It's somewhat depressing when your whole life fits in 5.5 feet and a mini coooper).

Here are some stats from our trip:

States: 7
Miles: 1,441
Hours: 25
Bathroom Breaks: 8 (plus one stay in a hotel overnight)
Puking birds: 2 (they actually did WAY better then when i moved to Texas)
High Wind warnings: 2
Heavy Rains: 1
Live Deer spotted: 5
Roadkill spotted:
*Dead deer: 21
*Armadillos: 8
*Skunks: 5
*Raccoons: 4
*Other critters (including porcupines, cats, foxes and other unidentifiable squished things): 15

Where i ended up is seriously the last place on Earth i ever thought i would be.

Rexburg, Idaho.

i know. i don't know what i was thinking either. My old boss called me and told me that he wanted me back. He made me an offer i couldn't refuse. And besides, i think it's part of me...southeastern Idaho. After all its been my home for about 9 years now.

It's hard to be here, of course, in our old stomping grounds and right in the exes backyard. There are so many triggers that i walk around constantly feeling like i am going to vomit. And i have had to make some really hard decisions about contact (or the lack there of) since i've been here too. But it's my time now. Time to heal. Time to focus on me. Time to stop surviving and start living again. Time to really start over and make some new memories to flush out the old ones.

My coworkers and friends have been amazing. Even though i have no family here, i have yet to spend an entire evening alone because someone pops by or invites me to hang out. i have more invitations to Thanksgiving dinner than i ever imagined i would receive (some from people i have barely met who just don't want me to be alone). i've painted everything in my living room and dining room (yellow, sage green and plum) and i am working on decorating the most airy, light and feminine bedroom you've ever seen. :)

Wish me luck on my new adventure. Someday i will be strong again. It starts here....

07 November 2012


...in your multitudes,

Scarce to be counted,

Filling the darkness with order and light.

Empire State Building

You are the sentinels, silent and sure,

Radio City Music Hall

Keeping watch in the night.

In NYC, Leon and i (but mostly Leon) played with a filter he made for his camera. It turned the streets we were walking into something even more magical.

Here is the night view from the apartment where we stayed.

Here it is again with the filter. See? Magical.

Many many more NYC posts coming your way...

01 November 2012

It's ok not to be ok

An unexpected ally perceived a little deeper into my situation. She directed me to a myriad of blogs written by women who have ended up where i am. As i read through blog after blog and entry after entry, i found myself overwhelmed...it was like reading my own journal. Someone else knows about this emotional rollercoaster!

i also realized the pressure that i have felt to "be fine" or "over it" or "happy" already....that if i published anything that i was REALLY going through, like these women had, or told people, or acted the way i was feeling, "the world" would judge me or think i was dwelling on my situation instead of moving on.

To be honest, i feel like other people expect me to be strong, in control, pulled together. That i'm allowed to be emotional, lightly and for just a moment, and then i should get over it. Besides, no one really wants to talk about it; it makes them uncomfortable. So they say, "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to" and then we ignore the elephant in the room. Apparently, it shouldn't be in the room anymore. After all, hasn't it already been three months since he asked for a divorce? And not only that, hasn't it been 10 months since the problems started creeping in? That's how i feel that other people think. Am i projecting my own expectations on them? Perhaps. Probably. Either way....i'm struggling to meet them.

The truth is, i'm still struggling to get out of bed, to get dressed, to care about doing anything. i'm still fighting to put on a fake smile, to socialize with others, to look forward to anything, to post happy things on my blog. i still cry. And when i'm not crying, i usually feel like crying. Everything inside me is screaming and crying and falling apart.

i was driving home from yoga two days ago. i had a great session; i felt limber and loose. i wasn't thinking about anything, just driving along and all the sudden, there i was bawling to Beethoven's 2nd symphony.

It wasn't a pretty cry, either. You know, the ones where a person's eyes get all glisteny and moisture beads preciously on their bottom lashes. They reach up one dainty finger to whisk the dew drop away or, even better, one silent tear streaks down their face.

This was an ugly cry. The kind where my eyes puff up and my face turns blotchy and my nose turns red. My tears and my snot all mix together and run in droves down my face and chin, making my mascara smear all over my eyelids. The kind where i gulp air in raspy breaths in order to sustain the wailing; where my whole body shakes and my mouth gets dried out and cottony from the air shooting in and out. The kind where even after i stop crying, i keep shuddering and whimpering for several minutes. A good solid ugly cry.

My counselor told me today, "It's ok not to be ok." Whew. That's probably why i go see her. It's somewhere that i don't have to pretend to be alright...and that's alright. She said that what i am feeling is normal. She explained that other people are uncomfortable knowing that i am not ok; it is easier for them to think that i am fine because then they don't have to worry about me...or they don't feel guilty when they realize that they haven't worried about me and maybe they should have. That, yes, the world will expect me to present myself as better than i am...and that's probably what i will continue to do. But i'm allowed to fall apart too....or to not even be pulled together enough to fall apart. Her words made me hopeful.

I'm not saying the pain is gone, but i got a glimmer of light in the middle of brokeness.

And i thought of  this song from "Smash"
"Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are."

Listen to it...it's worth two minutes of your life. i promise.

October Love: Final Installment

There was no big Halloween party for me to attend or throw this year  ::disappointment:: so i didn't come up with a whole new exciting costume. But i couldn't let the season pass and NOT dress up. Therefore, i went to the ward "trunk or treat" with a little fairy sparkle.

Beedle dee dee dee dee...Two Faires

The pictures are of me by myself because, although my sister had a BRILLIANT costume (Juno), she is opposed to anyone seeing pictures of her while she is pregnant. At least i stole someone else's baby for one picture :)