An unexpected ally perceived a little deeper into my situation. She directed me to a myriad of blogs written by women who have ended up where i am. As i read through blog after blog and entry after entry, i found myself overwhelmed...it was like reading my own journal. Someone else knows about this emotional rollercoaster!
i also realized the pressure that i have felt to "be fine" or "over it" or "happy" already....that if i published anything that i was REALLY going through, like these women had, or told people, or acted the way i was feeling, "the world" would judge me or think i was dwelling on my situation instead of moving on.
To be honest, i feel like other people expect me to be strong, in control, pulled together. That i'm allowed to be emotional, lightly and for just a moment, and then i should get over it. Besides, no one really wants to talk about it; it makes them uncomfortable. So they say, "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to" and then we ignore the elephant in the room. Apparently, it shouldn't be in the room anymore. After all, hasn't it already been three months since he asked for a divorce? And not only that, hasn't it been 10 months since the problems started creeping in? That's how i feel that other people think. Am i projecting my own expectations on them? Perhaps. Probably. Either way....i'm struggling to meet them.
The truth is, i'm still struggling to get out of bed, to get dressed, to care about doing anything. i'm still fighting to put on a fake smile, to socialize with others, to look forward to anything, to post happy things on my blog. i still cry. And when i'm not crying, i usually feel like crying. Everything inside me is screaming and crying and falling apart.
i was driving home from yoga two days ago. i had a great session; i felt limber and loose. i wasn't thinking about anything, just driving along and all the sudden, there i was bawling to Beethoven's 2nd symphony.
It wasn't a pretty cry, either. You know, the ones where a person's eyes get all glisteny and moisture beads preciously on their bottom lashes. They reach up one dainty finger to whisk the dew drop away or, even better, one silent tear streaks down their face.
This was an ugly cry. The kind where my eyes puff up and my face turns blotchy and my nose turns red. My tears and my snot all mix together and run in droves down my face and chin, making my mascara smear all over my eyelids. The kind where i gulp air in raspy breaths in order to sustain the wailing; where my whole body shakes and my mouth gets dried out and cottony from the air shooting in and out. The kind where even after i stop crying, i keep shuddering and whimpering for several minutes. A good solid ugly cry.
My counselor told me today, "It's ok not to be ok." Whew. That's probably why i go see her. It's somewhere that i don't have to pretend to be alright...and that's alright. She said that what i am feeling is normal. She explained that other people are uncomfortable knowing that i am not ok; it is easier for them to think that i am fine because then they don't have to worry about me...or they don't feel guilty when they realize that they haven't worried about me and maybe they should have. That, yes, the world will expect me to present myself as better than i am...and that's probably what i will continue to do. But i'm allowed to fall apart too....or to not even be pulled together enough to fall apart. Her words made me hopeful.
I'm not saying the pain is gone, but i got a glimmer of light in the middle of brokeness.
And i thought of this song from "Smash"
"Tears don't mean you're losing
Just be true to who you are."
Listen to it...it's worth two minutes of your life. i promise.