12 November 2013

Living Alone

Let me tell you about why i love living alone:

* The whole closet is MINE!
* i can take as long of showers as i want without feeling guilty. No one is there judging me, no one else needs the hot water and no one else is paying the bill for it.
* i only have to clean up after myself.
* i don't have to worry about finding the oreo package empty when i get home from work.
* No one stinks up the bathroom right before i have to get ready for the day.
* Things stay exactly where i leave them.
* My bedroom can be decorated super girly.
* i never have to shut any doors in my house.

However, a couple incidents have happened (always at night) that have made me jump so high i had to scrape myself off the ceiling afterwards.

*For a time during the summer, i had no screen door on my slider. i still opened my slider wide once i was in bed to let in the cool breeze. One evening i was lounging and reading in bed when a cat jumped on my bed. i don't have a cat. Terrifying.

*As the fall weather started, i loved sleeping with the cool night air drifting through my house. i slept with all my doors and windows open and my house would smell so clean. i would kick all the blankets off of my bed and leave only a sheet thrown across me. In the middle of such an autumn night a storm swept in while i was sound asleep, turning the gentle breeze into a fierce wind. One gust flew through my house, slammed my bedroom door while simultaneously blowing the sheet off of me. Scariest way to wake up...ever.

*Just the other night i came home from a long exhausting day, didn't even turn the lights on in my kitchen or living room, went straight back to my room and climbed under my covers to get lost in a novel. In the beautiful stillness of my house, a digital watch beeped the hour. i don't own a watch. i knew someone was in my house. Holy Crap. Turns out one of my friends had left his wristwatch in my living room the evening before. But it was a horrible ten minutes until i discovered that.

That will get your heart pumping. No need for cardio those days! Haha!

07 November 2013

Goal Update

There is something innately satisfying about seeing progression. Here is what i have worked toward in the last month.

#1: Get Completely Out of Debt
i spent the whole month religiously recording my expenses. My spreadsheet is simple, but effective. i love having it saved on my Google Drive so that i can access it wherever i am.

#4: Run a marathon
i love running. LOVE it! It is empowering! i'm slowly but surely creeping on up! Four days a week i pound the pavement and it's hard not to run the other three days. None of my runs are less than three miles now. My long runs are up to eight and i complete them easily; it's time to up it again! i transitioned to minimalist running shoes which i adore. The snow has made some appearances, so i invested in some warm running gear; the winter won't slow me down!

#5: Forgive Jacob
i kept looking at this goal and struggled with where to start. i didn't feel angry toward the ex (usually). But i still feel hurt. How do i define "forgiveness?"

About three weeks ago i had a bit of a revelation. i attended a conference for women who have spouses or ex spouses with sex and pornography addictions. Wow. I will have to write more about what i learned. One thing that hit me was that i do not have to be completely healed to forgive. i can still hurt or still know that what i went through was tramatic. Forgiving him does not mean that what he did was "ok" or that my pain was (and is) any less intense. It doesn't mean that i am excusing his behavior.

John Gray said "To forgive is to release another from being responsible for how we feel." This rings true to me. i can feel whatever i want to feel. Not forgiving the ex is using him as an excuse, a validation or justification for letting myself feel angry or lonely or depressed. Forgiving him may not take away those feelings, but it makes ME responsible for them! i have to own up to my own feelings.

With AMAZING Jacy, the organizer of the
Togetherness Project
Why do i love this? Because that means he has NO CONTROL over anything in my life. And THAT feels GOOD! i don't want to blame anything on him because i don't want him to be part of my life anymore. i am in control--of the good and the bad. Ok, so i'm not quite taking complete ownership yet, but i am getting closer!

i am also trying to keep a spiritual perspective on forgiveness. In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ taught "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." To be honest, i have never tried praying for somebody to whom i felt resentment. i would pray for MYSELF to be more compassionate or to have more charity. So i started praying for the ex, by name. i also try to keep his name on the Rexburg temple prayer roll. Sometimes i feel like my prayer is not as sincere as it could be...that i am just praying for him because i am supposed to. But that is changing. i am getting closer to forgiveness.

#9: Read 100 Novels
My reading has been woeful, but i did finish "Stargirl" by Jerry Spinelli

#11: Take the GRE
i started researching study guides to help me prep. A couple are added to my Amazon Wish List.

#13: Read Bible from cover to cover/#16: Scripture study nightly for 1 year
Plugging my way through Deuteronomy!

#18: Get down to 125 pounds
While i'm not there yet, i'm dropping. Since i am at a pretty healthy weight, i have to fight for every pound. i am right at 128. However, i am still losing inches. i am down to a size 4 pant size and not very many of my clothes fit me anymore. i feel pleased with how i look!

#22: Master Making a White Sauce
Done!!! The first thing i can check off. My mom gave me advice over the phone and my peas and potatoes turned out perfectly. i have done it a couple of times since and feel confident in my skills :)

01 November 2013

Goodbye, October

It was a divine month. Halloween feels to me like the last parting shot. And my family goes all out. Here we are:

Charlie Brown Dad
"I got a rock."
Ariel Stephanie
Guest starring Flounder and Sebastian

Mad Scientist Erika

Angelic Jennifer


BO as Snow White
Cutest Jane Princess EVER!