07 November 2013

Goal Update

There is something innately satisfying about seeing progression. Here is what i have worked toward in the last month.

#1: Get Completely Out of Debt
i spent the whole month religiously recording my expenses. My spreadsheet is simple, but effective. i love having it saved on my Google Drive so that i can access it wherever i am.

#4: Run a marathon
i love running. LOVE it! It is empowering! i'm slowly but surely creeping on up! Four days a week i pound the pavement and it's hard not to run the other three days. None of my runs are less than three miles now. My long runs are up to eight and i complete them easily; it's time to up it again! i transitioned to minimalist running shoes which i adore. The snow has made some appearances, so i invested in some warm running gear; the winter won't slow me down!

#5: Forgive Jacob
i kept looking at this goal and struggled with where to start. i didn't feel angry toward the ex (usually). But i still feel hurt. How do i define "forgiveness?"

About three weeks ago i had a bit of a revelation. i attended a conference for women who have spouses or ex spouses with sex and pornography addictions. Wow. I will have to write more about what i learned. One thing that hit me was that i do not have to be completely healed to forgive. i can still hurt or still know that what i went through was tramatic. Forgiving him does not mean that what he did was "ok" or that my pain was (and is) any less intense. It doesn't mean that i am excusing his behavior.

John Gray said "To forgive is to release another from being responsible for how we feel." This rings true to me. i can feel whatever i want to feel. Not forgiving the ex is using him as an excuse, a validation or justification for letting myself feel angry or lonely or depressed. Forgiving him may not take away those feelings, but it makes ME responsible for them! i have to own up to my own feelings.

With AMAZING Jacy, the organizer of the
Togetherness Project
Why do i love this? Because that means he has NO CONTROL over anything in my life. And THAT feels GOOD! i don't want to blame anything on him because i don't want him to be part of my life anymore. i am in control--of the good and the bad. Ok, so i'm not quite taking complete ownership yet, but i am getting closer!

i am also trying to keep a spiritual perspective on forgiveness. In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ taught "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." To be honest, i have never tried praying for somebody to whom i felt resentment. i would pray for MYSELF to be more compassionate or to have more charity. So i started praying for the ex, by name. i also try to keep his name on the Rexburg temple prayer roll. Sometimes i feel like my prayer is not as sincere as it could be...that i am just praying for him because i am supposed to. But that is changing. i am getting closer to forgiveness.

#9: Read 100 Novels
My reading has been woeful, but i did finish "Stargirl" by Jerry Spinelli

#11: Take the GRE
i started researching study guides to help me prep. A couple are added to my Amazon Wish List.

#13: Read Bible from cover to cover/#16: Scripture study nightly for 1 year
Plugging my way through Deuteronomy!

#18: Get down to 125 pounds
While i'm not there yet, i'm dropping. Since i am at a pretty healthy weight, i have to fight for every pound. i am right at 128. However, i am still losing inches. i am down to a size 4 pant size and not very many of my clothes fit me anymore. i feel pleased with how i look!

#22: Master Making a White Sauce
Done!!! The first thing i can check off. My mom gave me advice over the phone and my peas and potatoes turned out perfectly. i have done it a couple of times since and feel confident in my skills :)

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