You're not a mess....You are brave for trying

This is a slight brain dump. But I have had these thoughts ping ponging around me since the beginning of the year and it's time to spew them out, even if it is word vomit.

People ask me all the time how I'm doing. Sometimes it's a stranger/acquaintance in passing or to be polite. Sometimes it's a coworker or friend that does care, but doesn't really want to get into anything in depth. Once in a while it's a family member or old friend who really wants to know. When it's more than a passing "hey, how are you?" I have always struggled with knowing how to share or how much to share.

Because, really, I am fine...I think. And I am happy...mostly. And things are great...almost. 

When I came across this quote by Joan Bauer, I related to it way more than I wanted to:

"Almost. It's a big word for me. I feel it everywhere. Almost home. Almost happy. Almost changed. Almost, but not quite. Not yet. Soon, maybe. I'm hoping for that."

THIS IS TRUE FOR ME! How sad is that? It's horrible! I have an amazing husband, but I'm still "almost happy." We own an amazing town-home and I'm all moved in but I still feel like I'm "almost home." It's not my circumstances keeping me from being happy or feeling like I'm not home. 

It's ME. I want to be better or at least striving to be better. I want to be growing and improving. But I'm not. I'm "almost changed" into that better person I want to be, but not quite. And I haven't been trying to get there either!

I don't want to be almost...I want to be THERE! But apparently, I didn't want it bad enough for a long while-- because even though I have had thoughts about goals lurking in my brain, I haven't done anything about them. WHY??

Well, I think it's because I am afraid to fail. Because I feel like I'm just a mess. Part of me worries that I will attempt to change and attempt to improve and not attain my goal and then I will feel worse off. Like I'm still "almost" and this time it will just be because I'm "not enough."

It's time for action. No more letting fear hold me back. I came across two things that pushed me to move forward. This:

And This:

So I decided to step forward, to go after what I want, to CHANGE SOMETHING. I sat down and started writing down where I want to be and brainstorming the goals that will get me there. It's still in diagram form, but over the next few days, they will turn into S.M.A.R.T. goals--steps building me up to where and who I want to be.

I might feel like a mess along the way, but I'm not a mess. I'm brave for trying. 

Will I fail? Probably in many ways. And if that happens, I will get up and try again. Either way, I will be better off than I am right now. Enough with "almost." It's time to "Be."

Credit to my dear friend Laural for this one

My 2016 Letter: With a few updates and way more pictures

This year: I read 55 books. I took 8 business trips to St George. I ran my fourth, fifth and sixth marathons.

I started obsessively using essential oils. I spent massive amounts of time FaceTiming with my long distance family.

I did a meditation exercise for 38 days in a row before missing a day (it was a 40 day challenge and I decided not to restart it). I went to Canada for the first time.

I started using Instagram again. I became the Regional Manager for the customer service centers at work. I celebrated my bird's 8th hatch day.

I expanded my reservation center and subsequently moved into a new office. I saw fireflies for the first time. I applied for a new job and cried when it didn’t work out.  I went to an Ingrid Michaelson concert with my dad.

I ran through 8 miles of sand in the middle of a marathon.

I hired and trained 40 employees (more than double the amount I trained last year). I did work in the St George, Washington DC, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City and Rexburg temples. I ran over 1,000 miles.

I ate massive amounts of tacos. I saw a couple of my closest friends have babies. I ran a marathon 20 days before getting married (that may have been a mistake).

I didn’t slip on the ice once. I explored Mt Vernon in Virginia. I geeked out over the Summer Olympics. I attended my 9th Salt Lake Express Christmas party. I ran 1,256 laps on the indoor track--which is equivalent to around 220 miles (which is from Rexburg all the way to Salt Lake City!)

I competed in a trail relay race, in which I ran up a mountain in the Tetons.

I opened and staffed a new call center in St George.

The biggest thing this year? “I” became part of a “we.”

WE got married.

We got the worse case of food poisoning ever. We swam at Lava Hot Springs. We got called to be Gospel Doctrine teachers. We hiked along a portion of the Appalachian trail. We got handed medals from Storm Troopers at the end of one of our half marathons.

We voted. We traveled through 16 states. We ate two pounds of blueberries in two days that we picked ourselves in New Hampshire.

We counted glaciers through both Jasper and Banff National Parks in Canada. We made peach and apple fruit leather.
We hiked Angel’s landing in Zion National Park. 

We went to a Red Sox game at Fenway Park in Boston. 

We saw a great production of “Midsummer Night’s Dream” and “Peter and the Starcatchers.” We went covered bridge hunting in Amish country in Lancaster County, PA. We soaked in hot springs at the base of a waterfall. 

We dealt with car problems in the middle of nowhere Southern Utah. We went snowmobiling through Yellowstone National Park in the winter.

We made and canned pickles, pickled beets, chokecherry syrup, strawberry jam, peach jam, and chokecherry jelly.

We hiked around the turquoise waters of Lake Louise in Canada.

We bought maple syrup from a sugar house in Vermont. We hiked Table Mountain in the Tetons.

We did either a major hike or a race every Saturday for 7 weeks in a row in the summer. 

We cut down our own Christmas tree.

We ran a race through Monument Valley, Arizona in the middle of the Navajo Nation.

We didn’t dress up for Halloween. We read Shel Silverstein and A. A. Milne together. We canoed down Big Springs with our niece and nephew.

We explored the National Mall in Washington DC.

We went waterfall chasing in Yellowstone.

We watched the sunset on Cape Cod.

We did a two night, three day backpacking trip through Glacier National Park (in which we dealt with mud, snow, rain, wind, cold and the stomach flu and still made it over the mountain).

We got two flat tires. We ate Philly cheesesteaks in Philadelphia. We went cross country skiing.

Behind all of the adventuring, the backside is good too. It’s not as exciting and it’s not as scenic. Instead of stellar views, there are peaceful evenings reading. There are mountains of laundry and dishes in place of real peaks to scale. Instead of sore muscles, there are the bruises of combining the lives of two very stubborn and very different people. But the payoff of a happy home exceeds that of even the most gorgeous waterfall--even if it takes just as much or more effort to get there.

I consider us insanely blessed on so many levels. We are blessed to have good, steady jobs, we have a lovely home, we have good health and the chance to serve in our ward. Most of all, we are blessed in our relationship. I am blessed to have a strong, selfless, pure, gentle and good husband. Of all the stunningly beautiful sites throughout this past year, our favorite is seeing the start of our own little family of two.

“That’s the most beautiful thing in the world: when two people become fluent in choosing one another.” - Hannah Brencher

Lyrics that speak to me

When I heard Hilary Weeks perform this song a couple of weeks ago, I had tears streaming down my face. I imagined myself when I was 19 and first met my ex and how I thought I knew where my life would go from there. I imagined myself when I was 27 and going through a divorce and how I thought I knew where my life would go from THERE. And then I looked around at where I was NOW....and I understood exactly what this song meant:

"I had it all mapped out in front of me, knew just where I wanted to go.
But life decided to change my plans and I found a mountain in the middle of my road.
I knew there was no way to move it, so I searched for a way around.
Broken-hearted I started climbing and at the top I found-- 

Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view:

Now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.
I used to pray He'd take it all away but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it and I thought about turning around.
But Heaven has shown me miracles I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine because there's one thing that I know--He picks up the pieces along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view:

Now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.
I used to pray He'd take it all away but instead it became
A beautiful heartbreak"
(listen to the song here)

3 Days

i don't even know what to say. i am feeling all of the feelings. 

Am i scared?

Terrified.

But i am also so confident in my decision. This marriage is a choice. Loving Mr B is a choice. I choose to love him and he chooses to love me. We choose one another and choose to commit to our family.

Some one asked Mr B, "When did you know that Jennifer was the one?" He responded, "It's not a matter of knowing, it is a matter of choosing."

Our favorite quote, one that we believe deeply, is by Lynn G. Robbins:

"True love is not something you fall in, but grow in. It is not happenstance as much as something you control, choose and act upon."

We have spent the last one and a half years growing our roots. Now that they are established and ever deepening, we are ready to start this family and see our love grow into a something beautiful. We know that if we continue to choose and act, we will see the fruits, like love, joy, and peace.

Thus we move forward with faith in the face of fear. We try to be realistic wrapped up in hope and faith. And i am pleased to start this adventure with such a strong, pure, selfless, gentle, GOOD man.

i can't keep my fingers out of those curls

To B or Not to B

He asked me.

i said yes.

The future Mr and Mrs B

And then there was William

i thought i couldn't love another little human being as much as i love my niece. Apparently, my new nephew is an exception. 

i got to drive up to Montana to meet him before he was even three weeks old. i cannot wait until January when they move just a little bit closer to me.

The drive up

My first time holding William 

"Get out of my face, Aunt Jennifer!" 

"Oh my heck...I have to put up with her my whole life??"

William curled up in my lap

Morning time cuddles

Handsome little man

Baby wearing

Sister+baby+cinnamon icecream=Happy Jennifer

Up at 1am because i wanted to watch him sleep

i love these people. i'm glad they are mine. 

He's pretty much my favorite little goober of a boy ever. i am grateful that he is in my life.