09 February 2017

You're not a mess....You are brave for trying

This is a slight brain dump. But I have had these thoughts ping ponging around me since the beginning of the year and it's time to spew them out, even if it is word vomit.

People ask me all the time how I'm doing. Sometimes it's a stranger/acquaintance in passing or to be polite. Sometimes it's a coworker or friend that does care, but doesn't really want to get into anything in depth. Once in a while it's a family member or old friend who really wants to know. When it's more than a passing "hey, how are you?" I have always struggled with knowing how to share or how much to share.

Because, really, I am fine...I think. And I am happy...mostly. And things are great...almost. 

When I came across this quote by Joan Bauer, I related to it way more than I wanted to:

"Almost. It's a big word for me. I feel it everywhere. Almost home. Almost happy. Almost changed. Almost, but not quite. Not yet. Soon, maybe. I'm hoping for that."

THIS IS TRUE FOR ME! How sad is that? It's horrible! I have an amazing husband, but I'm still "almost happy." We own an amazing town-home and I'm all moved in but I still feel like I'm "almost home." It's not my circumstances keeping me from being happy or feeling like I'm not home. 

It's ME. I want to be better or at least striving to be better. I want to be growing and improving. But I'm not. I'm "almost changed" into that better person I want to be, but not quite. And I haven't been trying to get there either!

I don't want to be almost...I want to be THERE! But apparently, I didn't want it bad enough for a long while-- because even though I have had thoughts about goals lurking in my brain, I haven't done anything about them. WHY??

Well, I think it's because I am afraid to fail. Because I feel like I'm just a mess. Part of me worries that I will attempt to change and attempt to improve and not attain my goal and then I will feel worse off. Like I'm still "almost" and this time it will just be because I'm "not enough."

It's time for action. No more letting fear hold me back. I came across two things that pushed me to move forward. This:

And This:

So I decided to step forward, to go after what I want, to CHANGE SOMETHING. I sat down and started writing down where I want to be and brainstorming the goals that will get me there. It's still in diagram form, but over the next few days, they will turn into S.M.A.R.T. goals--steps building me up to where and who I want to be.

I might feel like a mess along the way, but I'm not a mess. I'm brave for trying. 

Will I fail? Probably in many ways. And if that happens, I will get up and try again. Either way, I will be better off than I am right now. Enough with "almost." It's time to "Be."

Credit to my dear friend Laural for this one

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