Attn: Mr. Jacob Olson

30 August 2010

Mr. Jacob Olson
Head of Household
Olson Family Corp
Rexburg, Idaho

Re: Bed-sharing Terms and Conditions

Dear Mr. Olson,

On the 15th of August, 2008 we entered into a contract which enabled us to merge our separate assets and liabilities to form our familial corporation. Although we took the obvious financial, mental and emotional risk that all partners take upon entering into such a contract, I believe that up to this point our endeavors have been mostly successful. However, due to recent activities which have severely disturbed my sleep, I would ask you to once again review the Terms and Conditions of sharing the bed (see enclosed).

I feel confident that if we both comply with these rules and regulations, our further association will remain strong and we will be successful in obtaining the proper amount of sleep.

Sincerely yours,

Mrs. Jennifer Olson





Terms and Conditions

1. Under no circumstances should your feet ever touch any part of my body. It would behoove you to keep them at least 6 inches away from me at all times.
2. The bed is not divided in half--it is divided into thirds. The “thirds” on the edges of the bed belong to each of us respectively. The middle third is neutral territory. Whoever can gain, and hold, this ground has fair claim. Any snuggling can only happen on this neutral ground. No part of the others’ body should cross onto their spouses’ claimed third, thus enabling a retreat if one party desires to evade snuggling maneuvers.
3. The blankets are mine. If I choose to share them, I am being generous. Chances are you’d get too hot with them anyway.
4. Snoring is not permitted. Period. Once you snore, you forfeit your third of the bed to invasion. In other words, your spouse now has the right to use whatever means necessary to stop your snoring. This includes, but is not limited to, poking, kicking, wet willies, pillows in the face, and shoving off the bed.
5. Talking in the sleep is acceptable only if you are spouting hilarious phrases, revealing embarrassing personal facts about yourself, or mumbling sweet somethings quietly.
6. Pillows are sacred. I will not drool on yours, you may not drool on mine.
7. The last person out of the bed has the duty to make it. This includes all replacement of discarded blankets and decorative pillows.
8. While a “goodnight” kiss is expected and often appreciated, a “good morning” kiss is rarely desired (morning breath being one of the foulest of odors). A pleasant greeting in the morning is contingent on your keeping very potent mints on the bedside table or taking a moment to cleanse your mouth before attempting to breathe even in the general direction of the other side of the bed.
9. Please note that we do not have to go to bed and most definitely do not have to wake up together each day. Consider this when turning lights on and off, moving around in the bedroom, listening to music and hitting the snooze button.

...and so it begins

I don’t know what I am doing, really. And I have no idea what this blog will turn into. But sometimes I question the point of my education, my classes, my writing assignments, my degree, if I’m not writing and then sharing what I have written. However, I feel the need to write a disclaimer so that my readers (if I actually accumulate followers) know what they are—and what they aren’t –getting themselves into.

*I like to make lists. I am an obsessive lister. Even in my daily conversations I am listing. In fact, my little 3 year old neighbor picked up a phrase from me, “First of all…..” As such, my blog will most likely be chocked full of lists.

*I am NOT a blogger; I am a writer. Ok, so maybe calling myself a writer is stretching things a bit. The point I am trying to make is that I don’t know how to make my blog “cutesy.” Besides the basics, I have no clue how to mess with my headers and footers and sidebars. I don’t take creative pictures of all the things I’m doing, edit them to make them look amazing, and post them mixed in with clever quotes, etc. Sorry. If that’s what you are looking for, you are in the wrong place. I imagine that 90% of this will be words.

*If you are going to be offended, don’t read my blog. When I write, I tend to do one of two things: tell things the way they are or greatly exaggerate the situation. Unfortunately, both of these situations tend to offend the people I write about (and I may write about anyone I come in contact with). People either don’t want to face the truth about themselves or they cannot understand my gross exaggeration. My intention is not to lose friends over my blog and I also don’t want to spend time “explaining” or apologizing for what I write. Therefore, if your feelings would be hurt, refrain from reading :)

*I am not expecting that this will turn into a chronological account of what is happening in my life. Maybe. I’m sure I’ll post some of that type of information. But I’m mostly thinking that I’ll blog what I am writing—whether it’s about something in my past, present or future. Anyhow, this definitely will not be a “journal,” from my journal or anything that I usually write in my journal.

My disclaimer sounds as if my blog is going to be sarcastic, cynical and a bit of a downer. That’s not my intent in the least. I hope that it will be amusing, upbeat and a place where someone can go to get a good laugh and feel better about life.

Welcome. Read. Laugh. Comment. Enjoy!