30 August 2010
Mr. Jacob Olson
Head of Household
Olson Family Corp
Re: Bed-sharing Terms and Conditions
Dear Mr. Olson,
On the 15th of August, 2008 we entered into a contract which enabled us to merge our separate assets and liabilities to form our familial corporation. Although we took the obvious financial, mental and emotional risk that all partners take upon entering into such a contract, I believe that up to this point our endeavors have been mostly successful. However, due to recent activities which have severely disturbed my sleep, I would ask you to once again review the Terms and Conditions of sharing the bed (see enclosed).
I feel confident that if we both comply with these rules and regulations, our further association will remain strong and we will be successful in obtaining the proper amount of sleep.
Mrs. Jennifer Olson
Terms and Conditions
1. Under no circumstances should your feet ever touch any part of my body. It would behoove you to keep them at least 6 inches away from me at all times.
2. The bed is not divided in half--it is divided into thirds. The “thirds” on the edges of the bed belong to each of us respectively. The middle third is neutral territory. Whoever can gain, and hold, this ground has fair claim. Any snuggling can only happen on this neutral ground. No part of the others’ body should cross onto their spouses’ claimed third, thus enabling a retreat if one party desires to evade snuggling maneuvers.
3. The blankets are mine. If I choose to share them, I am being generous. Chances are you’d get too hot with them anyway.
4. Snoring is not permitted. Period. Once you snore, you forfeit your third of the bed to invasion. In other words, your spouse now has the right to use whatever means necessary to stop your snoring. This includes, but is not limited to, poking, kicking, wet willies, pillows in the face, and shoving off the bed.
5. Talking in the sleep is acceptable only if you are spouting hilarious phrases, revealing embarrassing personal facts about yourself, or mumbling sweet somethings quietly.
6. Pillows are sacred. I will not drool on yours, you may not drool on mine.
7. The last person out of the bed has the duty to make it. This includes all replacement of discarded blankets and decorative pillows.
8. While a “goodnight” kiss is expected and often appreciated, a “good morning” kiss is rarely desired (morning breath being one of the foulest of odors). A pleasant greeting in the morning is contingent on your keeping very potent mints on the bedside table or taking a moment to cleanse your mouth before attempting to breathe even in the general direction of the other side of the bed.
9. Please note that we do not have to go to bed and most definitely do not have to wake up together each day. Consider this when turning lights on and off, moving around in the bedroom, listening to music and hitting the snooze button.