28 October 2012


The last few days, I have spent some time reflecting on my "firsts."

*First time my hand was held--Freshman year. Harrison Reynolds. i had crushed on him forever (along with every other Mormon girl in my class). i thought my whole stomach had turned into butterflies when he grabbed my hand.

*First kiss- Junior year. Josh Staples. I actually waited until i was 16 (go me!) even though his mom thought i looked like i was 13. I thought the stud in his ear was so sexy. We were in his den working on chemistry homework. Seriously. His tutoring was the only reason i passed that class. Fitting, eh? :)

*First love- Senior year. Ryan Bob. Good times. Good man. While dating him i really found my testimony...and his started. He'll always hold a special place in my heart. And very few things in life give me the same amount of true, selfless joy as thinking about his eternal  family. I guess i also think of him as "my first convert."

There were other guys in and out (flies on my windshield?)

Then there was Jacob. My Jacob Olson. Met him sophomore year of college. i thought he was going to be the last. And for the first time, i was ok with that. i didn't think i would ever want anybody else. He was everything on my list and more. i couldn't imagine life without him; i thought i never would have to! Eternity didn't seem long enough.

As of October 26th we are legally divorced.

*First husband- Jacob Olson. Eight lovely years together. Lots of good memories...a bit tainted now. Worst heartache i have ever felt. Since i couldn't imagine life without him, i thought would die when he told me he was done with us.

i'm still alive. i don't know how, but i am. But i am so changed (and still changing) i feel as if i am living a different life. As if everything in my life before he asked for a divorce flowed in a relatively straight line...it made sense. One thing followed the next fairly logically. Then, the train jumped the track. i'm on a completely different ride, a different path, maybe no track at all anymore.

And i feel like i have a whole new set of "firsts" in front of me now.





26 October 2012

October Love: Part Five

i despise horror movies. They make my skin crawl, they give me nightmares and they chase the Spirit away. Even thrillers or intense movies i end up watching through my fingers with my hands up over my face. Even so, i quite enjoy much of "Halloween Media."

This month i have seen the following movies:
Corpse Bride
The Birds
Arsenic and Old Lace
Sweeney Todd

I have listened to these soundtracks several times:
Little Shop of Horrors
Sweeney Todd
Jekyll and Hyde

And this month i have read the following Halloween-ish type books:
"The Graveyard Book" Neil Gaiman
"Something Wicked This Way Comes" Ray Bradbury
"Dracula" Bram Stoker
"Phantom Tollbooth" Norton Juster (there really was nothing Halloweeny about this except the title)
"Witch of Blackbird Pond" Elizabeth George Speare

AND...my ring tone is the theme song from Harry Potter. Sometimes i don't want to answer my phone because i just want to listen to it ring...

22 October 2012

October Love: Part Four

"...i recall Central Park in fall..."

The last picture i took looking out of my bedroom window where i spent my last two nights in the Big Apple.

14 October 2012

October Love: Part 3

We started off October with the Texas State Fair!!

Wandering through the animals made my night. They had tons of baby animals including a giraffe, zebras, llamas, alpacas, porcupines, goats, camels, sheep, a bull calf; they were all in pens so you could reach in and pet the babies. Here are Erika and i with the bull calf, goats, and camels:

The fair is the Fried Food Capitol of Texas (and perhaps the U.S.A.) In one evening we consumed:

*Fried Mac and Cheese Sliders
*Fried PB&J sandwiches
*Fried jambalaya
*Fried oreos
*Fried pineapple upside down cake
*Fried chocolate covered strawberries
*Fried grilled cheese sandwiches
*Fried samoas

Impressive, eh?

To finish off the evening, Chad and i rode one of the big rides...175 feet tall flinging you over 70mph. i am going to pretend that i wasn't nervous at all :) It really was a rush and i am glad i ignored my shaking knees and got on.

11 October 2012

October Love: Part Two

I am obssessed with Halloween decorations. Every year I always buy more! This year I decided to make a few:

Some of my decorations went out into the living room. Some decorate my shelf in my bedroom:

Owls, pumpkins, spiders!! Love. Love. Love.

08 October 2012

October Love

i am not going to mope through my October. Instead i am going to share all the reasons i love it...probably with way too many instagrams (because i love them too).

October brings General Conference. My conference weekend consisted of:
*a sweet remembrance that God knows who i am and what i am going through
*gentle promptings on what i need to do to improve
*fall weather :)
*snuggling up in blankets and cuddles with my birds
*Stephen's hot chocolate
*home made chicken noodle soup (my bro-in-law even made the noodles from scratch. yum)
*Pei Wei Chinese at a girls' night out during priesthood session
*lots of naps, reading and being lazy
*a soak in the hot tub

i live for Autumn

04 October 2012

"But I miss you most of all, my darling, when Autumn leaves start to fall"

Forgive me one more emotional/slightly depressing post, but I have to throw this out there.

I love Autumn. Something about it speaks to my soul: the colors, smells, food, weather. Crunching leaves, baking, wearing scarves and sweaters.

I met Jake in the fall (8 years ago this month). It seemed fitting.

Last night I had a very vivid dream that Jake and I were yelling at each other. As I drifted awake, I didn't know where I was or why Jake wasn't next to me. I remembered I was at Erika's without Jake. Literally reaching for my phone, I groggily thought, "I need to call him and tell him I love him." Then it hit me all of the sudden. I am not here on vacation. Jake is divorcing me. That feeling of wanting to say "I love you" and despair at realizing I can't anymore lingers...

I miss you. Especially in the fall.