28 October 2012

Firsts

The last few days, I have spent some time reflecting on my "firsts."

*First time my hand was held--Freshman year. Harrison Reynolds. i had crushed on him forever (along with every other Mormon girl in my class). i thought my whole stomach had turned into butterflies when he grabbed my hand.

*First kiss- Junior year. Josh Staples. I actually waited until i was 16 (go me!) even though his mom thought i looked like i was 13. I thought the stud in his ear was so sexy. We were in his den working on chemistry homework. Seriously. His tutoring was the only reason i passed that class. Fitting, eh? :)

*First love- Senior year. Ryan Bob. Good times. Good man. While dating him i really found my testimony...and his started. He'll always hold a special place in my heart. And very few things in life give me the same amount of true, selfless joy as thinking about his eternal  family. I guess i also think of him as "my first convert."

There were other guys in and out (flies on my windshield?)

Then there was Jacob. My Jacob Olson. Met him sophomore year of college. i thought he was going to be the last. And for the first time, i was ok with that. i didn't think i would ever want anybody else. He was everything on my list and more. i couldn't imagine life without him; i thought i never would have to! Eternity didn't seem long enough.

As of October 26th we are legally divorced.

*First husband- Jacob Olson. Eight lovely years together. Lots of good memories...a bit tainted now. Worst heartache i have ever felt. Since i couldn't imagine life without him, i thought would die when he told me he was done with us.

i'm still alive. i don't know how, but i am. But i am so changed (and still changing) i feel as if i am living a different life. As if everything in my life before he asked for a divorce flowed in a relatively straight line...it made sense. One thing followed the next fairly logically. Then, the train jumped the track. i'm on a completely different ride, a different path, maybe no track at all anymore.

And i feel like i have a whole new set of "firsts" in front of me now.

Scary.

Exciting?

Heartbreaking.

Terrifying.
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