Year End

It is painful to reflect on 2012. i can't think about where i was, but i can reflect on where i am now and where i want to be at the end of 2013.

Where am i? i am in an absolutely beautiful apartment. It feels like...me...my own, my home. i have never had a place before that shouted so completely: JENNIFER! i am in a solid job with an amazing boss and incredible employees under me. i am surrounded by friends who are surprisingly insightful, thoughtful and loving. i am in a family ward that has done a decent job so far of accepting my unique circumstance. i have space to set my own schedule...or not. i am in counseling to help me to heal and learn and grow. i am coming to terms with my new reality and with myself. i am a mess...but i'm an optimistic mess.

At first thought, the only "goal" i wanted to put on my list of resolutions was "2014." That still is something i would like to do...to survive the coming year. But as i've said before, i also want to ENJOY. i am laughing more these days. i smile easier. And it feels good! i want to give myself more reasons to smile, laugh and be happy.

Several weeks ago in a Sunday School lesson, the teacher asked about the purpose of life. i felt that the purpose of life was to be perfected--to become more like Christ. The only way to be perfected is to go through trials that will strengthen me. In other words, my life will mostly be going through trials so that i can improve.

While i still believe this, last week in the temple i received an overwhelming feeling that my Father in Heaven wants me to feel joy. Yes, i am here to learn and grow, but it's not all about the trials. God wants me to have happiness and enjoy my life as well.

That feeling has prompted me to make only one resolution for 2013. In two words:

LOVE LIFE

i am still allowed to mourn sometimes. Or be angry. Or cry. But it will be the exception, not the rule.

Is anyone else done with 2012??? Bring on the New Year!

"It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last..." -Counting Crows

Productivity

Awhile ago i posted about my bucket list. Since then, i have actually crossed a couple things off. Man, does it feel good! :)

This is what i've accomplished.

*Get Scuba Certified

That's Maui. That's me scuba diving. That's a sea turtle. That's right. :)

*Beat Jacob at Texas Hold 'Em
Little did i know how hard checking this off would be. Little did i know what an amazing bluffer he was...a pro, really. Little did i know that i would be dealt a royal flush. But when all the cards were on the table and there were no secrets anymore, it turned out that he lost--big time. And i'm still standing, so i guess that means i beat him. Game Over.

*See a show on Broadway

I actually saw two shows! i went to "Evita" by myself and then "Peter and the Starcatchers" with my cousin, Leon. It was hard to choose what to see but both performances were phenomenal. Oh the voices some people have!

*Have a follower on my blog that i've never met
Welcome, friends! When i, in desperation to find someone who understood my situation, reached out to others, they reached back out to me. Amazing.

*Go to a midnight premier of a movie

My friend, Benjamin took me to see Peter Jackson's version of Tolkien's "The Hobbit." It was amusing to see people in costume (especially with bare hobbit feet when it was so very cold outside!). The  movie was....interesting. i'll have to give it a second go, i think. Mostly i was really sleepy but enjoyed the experience nonetheless.

*Museum hop in New York
MoMA (Museum of Modern Art):

 

Guggenheim:

 



Metropolitan Museum of Art:

And they were lovely.

 

 

The world didn't end yesterday as predicted. Part of me was a little bummed...after all life can be exhausting. But then again, it would be a shame not to put a check next to every item on my list. And who knows what's next? Peru? Petra? Possibly!!

 

 





Fading

It's been over five months since i've seen him. i'm starting to forget. You know, the little things like the exact way his laugh sounds, the way it feels to have our fingers intertwined, the way he smells, the exact color of his eyes. And i can't flip through pictures to remind myself...it would completely undo me. It's like looking back at our life through a dirty window; the images are still there but not very clear anymore.



i don't want to remember. i don't want to forget.

It hurts.

Oh, it hurts so exquisitely.

This is why we are friends

i recently reconnected at the home of one of my mission buddies. It had been a long time since we had seen each other and much had changed...in both of our lives. Although some of the conversation was somber as we discussed the difficulties of life, we also spent a good long time laughing at mission memories. Some of my favorites happened with this companion.

For example, there was the time i took my nylons off in the middle of the street, or the time we were talking to a bus driver and made him run into a pole, or the time i accidentally kicked some stray dog's fresh droppings on the back of her skirt.

During our conversation, her cute little weiner dog ran into the room, clearly excited to see company. He jumped up on the couch in order to get a better look at me and say hello. Within seconds he had rolled onto his back for a belly scratch. As soon as i stretched out my hand to rub his stomach, he began to piddle...all over my hand and my leg.

When i arrived back home, the following text conversation ensued:

Me:
"i have to say--
1-It was wonderful to see you.
2- i can't believe your dog peed on me and i think you put him up to it as revenge for the poop kicking incident
3-i still love you"

Her:
"Jennifer, I have three things to say to you:
1- Likewise
2- Damn straight--you know you deserved that &
3-No, I haven't taken up swearing. I just felt like making you smile and thought profanity might do the trick"

It worked. i laughed for at least 5 minutes. i love you, Hermanita!

It was one of those nights...

 

 

i slept so incredible, it knocked my socks off.

Freedom

i was speaking with a new friend the other day who has been divorced for about a year (and is entertainingly pro-divorce). As he talked about the different stages he went through, he concluded with "Divorce is just so liberating!!" While i do not necessarily agree (or disagree) with his statement, it got me thinking...about freedom, free agency and the control that i have over my own life.

When all this began, i was completely hung up on the fact that events were out of my control; i didn't want a divorce, i couldn't fix his problems, i couldn't save my marriage and i wasn't even given a chance to try. i had no choice in the matter and it made me feel angry and panicked and sick.

On my first day in NYC i was determined to leave it all behind me. i was by myself and ready to lose myself in the city. i was standing in the middle of Grand Central Station...the first landmark i stopped at in NYC...when i received an emotionally draining phone call. In fact, it left me standing there, on the phone bawling my eyes out (and also thinking, "This is unreal! Like a scene from a movie! Please tell me this stuff happens to other people!") This phone call gave me, for the first time i felt, some choice in what was happening in my life. And surprisingly, my initial reaction was "i don't want to make that decision!! Why do i have to choose?"

The rest of that day in NYC i spent by myself, wandering around, crying, smiling, forgetting everything, thinking of everything; i realized that i had been playing the victim card. i decided it wasn't what i wanted to do. Sure, i had been hurt. Sure, i had no control over many many things. But i realized i still had control of my own life and my own actions. Not only that, i DID want to be able to choose. And i have surprised myself with the tough choices that i have been able to make.

i am so grateful on this Thanksgiving Eve for my free agency. i am grateful that when things spin out of control, i am still free to choose what new path to take. i am grateful for the liberating freedom in looking out for myself and choosing to stay on a path i didn't originally choose, but that i hope will ultimately bring me peace.

You know what this means?

That's right! i moved...again.

I sent my stuff ahead of me on a truck and my mom came and helped me drive my little car to our destination. (It's somewhat depressing when your whole life fits in 5.5 feet and a mini coooper).

Here are some stats from our trip:

States: 7
Miles: 1,441
Hours: 25
Bathroom Breaks: 8 (plus one stay in a hotel overnight)
Puking birds: 2 (they actually did WAY better then when i moved to Texas)
High Wind warnings: 2
Heavy Rains: 1
Live Deer spotted: 5
Roadkill spotted:
*Dead deer: 21
*Armadillos: 8
*Skunks: 5
*Raccoons: 4
*Other critters (including porcupines, cats, foxes and other unidentifiable squished things): 15

Where i ended up is seriously the last place on Earth i ever thought i would be.

Rexburg, Idaho.

i know. i don't know what i was thinking either. My old boss called me and told me that he wanted me back. He made me an offer i couldn't refuse. And besides, i think it's part of me...southeastern Idaho. After all its been my home for about 9 years now.

It's hard to be here, of course, in our old stomping grounds and right in the exes backyard. There are so many triggers that i walk around constantly feeling like i am going to vomit. And i have had to make some really hard decisions about contact (or the lack there of) since i've been here too. But it's my time now. Time to heal. Time to focus on me. Time to stop surviving and start living again. Time to really start over and make some new memories to flush out the old ones.

My coworkers and friends have been amazing. Even though i have no family here, i have yet to spend an entire evening alone because someone pops by or invites me to hang out. i have more invitations to Thanksgiving dinner than i ever imagined i would receive (some from people i have barely met who just don't want me to be alone). i've painted everything in my living room and dining room (yellow, sage green and plum) and i am working on decorating the most airy, light and feminine bedroom you've ever seen. :)

Wish me luck on my new adventure. Someday i will be strong again. It starts here....