Running through the Fall

i know it's not October yet, but yesterday was the first day of Autumn. My favorite season. It's still a little warm here (although we have had a day or two where i wore leggings and drank hot chocolate) but i know the fall will be over all too soon.

"Fall has always been my favorite season. The time when everything bursts with its last beauty, as if nature had been saving up all year for the grand finale." -Lauren DeStefano


i had one last summer race before Autumn arrived. And it was a big one. My second Ragnar of the year.

Ragnar Napa Valley: From San Fransisco to Calistoga. 205 mile relay race. i only knew one person on the team and she ended up in the other van, so it was an adventure and a perfect opportunity to make some brand new friends.

i got all "dolled up" for the race.

After driving all day on Thursday and sleeping for about 5 hours in a hotel that night, my team met up at the start line in San Fransisco to send off runner #1.

i was in van #2 which means that we had about 6 hours to wait until we sent our runner off. It also meant that my first leg was in the blazing heat of the afternoon. i got to run 6.6 miles up a very long hill with no shade and no way for my van to stop and assist me. i was sweaty and overheated, but happy to be out and running.

By the time our last runner finished, the sun was setting and we decided to try to get some sleep before our legs in the middle of the night. We pushed all the seats down in the van and thought we would all be able to sleep on the floor. It wasn't the most comfortable and all of us slept except for most of us. i don't think i even got 30 mins of rest.

After not sleeping, our van took over the middle of the night shifts. My second leg started around 3am. i wish i had gotten some sort of photo documentation, but i was honestly too tired to think about it. It was a stunning run. i ran 8.3 miles through a heavy fog. It was dark and the roads were deserted. The leg started in Santa Rosa and ran out into the country. Even though i could see very little, my head lamp illuminated the way enough that i could tell i was running down tree lined lanes with vines dripping down into the road. When i finished, i was soaked to the bone and unable to tell what was sweat and what was dampness from the humid humid air.

Once our final runner finished, we were all struggling to keep our eyes open (and some runners had completely given up). The last runner finished as the sun rose and we knew we had to sleep before the third round of legs. So we found a field at our next exchange point where many other Ragnarians were spread out sleeping. i never thought that i would be so happy to plop my sleeping down in the middle of the dirt. i got about 2 stunningly beautiful hours of sleep.

My third leg was brutal. It started at 2 in the afternoon. There was a 100 degree heat index. i was running through the rolling vineyards of Napa Valley which offered very little shade. And once again, because of the course, my van was unable to support me. It is one thing to run 11.4 miles, but quite another to do it in the heat of a California day with only 16 ounces of water, after very little sleep and having already run so many miles. My van passed me when i was about 2 miles in and i hollered at them to chuck me a water bottle to dump over my head. i was already burning up. But the landscape was absolutely stunning and the other runners on the road were so supportive. They helped keep me going.

 

i have never been as happy to see a sign in my life

When i reached the exchange and sent off the next runner, i started to cry. i had never had a more physically demanding task in my life. i was so overcome that i had finished and so grateful and so emotionally and physically exhausted. Ragnar volunteers handed each runner finishing that leg a present. It was a sweat band with embroidery that said "Ragnar Napa Valley. Leg 34- 11.4 miles. Eternal Glory!" Maybe it was just a little thing, but i was so grateful that they acknowledged how hard that last run really was.

After running 26.3 miles in about 26 hours

Our team of pretty amateur runners didn't do so bad! We finished in 35:08:15.7 In other words, 35 hours, 8 minutes and 15.7 seconds.

We pretty much felt like rockstars

When i finished i was trying to figure out why the races aren't getting easier! i mean, i'm running so many miles and yet every time i compete, i feel like it's the hardest thing i've done! Then i realized it's because i keep pushing myself. Faster, longer, harder in each race. i am getting stronger. And the training continues. 

i don't have a race in October because MONEY, but i am looking forward to some LONG Autumn runs through my cool and flat Idaho.

Run Jennifer Run

Well, friends. i have run 161 miles this month. "I run because somehow exhausting myself is the most relaxing part of my day."

i have also competed in 4 races over the last 3 months.

Here is a photo journey of my races:

RAGNAR (end of June)

This is a 200 mile race (from Logan, UT to Park City, UT) over the mountains. There are 12 runners and two vans per team. Two days and one night...always with someone on the move. Each runner completes three legs. There is something completely insane about Ragnar and i instantly fell in love. i had convinced my boss to sponsor a team which means we rode around in style. Our team finished in 34 hours and 40 minutes.

With my co-captain

My van at the start line

Our sweet ride

After finishing my three legs

Our whole team at the end!

Swag

COLOR RUN (beginning of July)

After such an intense race, a 5k was perfect for my next event. Not only that, but my guy was able to run it with me! He has been dealing with IT band problems so running longer distances at the moment is not possible. Plus, getting plastered with color was so much fun.

At the start line

At the finish line

Before and after

Colorful Pavement

R.A.T. RELAY (end of July)

One of my teammates from Ragnar contacted me about this race last minute. It was a relay from Mesa Falls to Rexburg. The best part is that it was Run And Turn (runners AND bikers). Each member had two legs, alternating between a runner and a biker. Since my guy is first and foremost a biker (road and mountain) he was stoked to be able to compete again with me....with each of us doing what we love most. The race was around 80 miles long. We finished in about 4 hours and 25 minutes.

My guy crossing some gorgeous country

He is happy to be competing!

Starting the team off with a trail run

Finished!

Two bikers and me

Long, hard, beautiful race

TOP OF UTAH HALF MARATHON (end of August)

i was so excited for this race. Since i had been building up miles all month, only running 13 on a Saturday was a nice break for me. Except i pushed myself SO HARD. i have never felt so empowered on a run before. i didn't once feel the need to stop, rest, walk or slow down. My phone battery was almost dead when i started, so i ran the first 10 miles in silence. When i hit mile 10, i pushed play and felt a SURGE of energy rush through me as the music blared. So, i picked up the pace. When i hit mile 12 i realized that i would still be able to keep running after i crossed the finish line...so i picked up the pace even more. About a half a mile from the end, i could see the finishers arch....so i started to sprint. And that is how i crossed the finish line...running as hard as i could, grinning from ear to ear, music blasting in my ears and full of fire. 

i finished in 2hours3mins35secs.

More race swag

  "I always loved running...it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power. You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs." -Jesse Owens

Celebrations

i like celebrating other people's birthdays because i am so happy that they were born and i love letting them know this.

Yesterday was my birthday. My friends, coworkers and family made me feel so very loved.
 
Nothing really huge happened, either. It was the little things that made the day so nice: coming to work to find my office decorated, employees who brought in sweets, a package from my mom, lunch with my coworkers, my guy taking the day off to come all the way up from Utah just to hang out with me for a day, friends from different areas of my life coming together for ice cream, calls from my family, dinner left in my fridge from my lovely neighbor, texts from old and far away friends, being serenaded by my brother, and a silly plastic crown to announce that it was my birthday. And, oh my, there were so many smiles and laughs and hugs.

i guess this post really is to say two things:

1- i have the best people in my life.
2- Today i am happy i was born too.

Introspective

This post has been knocking around in my brain for about a month now and it's time to solidify the thoughts in published words. i have continued to hesitate posting, for one, because this topic leaves me very vulnerable. It is something that i struggle with and always have. i would like to think that i will overcome my insecurities (after all, i know all the right answers) but internalizing truth and eliminating my faulty core beliefs proves to be a difficult task. i know that i am far from the only person to struggle with this, but i can only speak from my personal experience.

i don't like my body. When i look at it, all i see are my faults. i think "if i can just lose x amount of pounds" or "if i was one cup size bigger" or "if i could tan just a little more" or "if my hair was a little more red or a little longer" THEN i would be happy.

i know that's not true. i KNOW. But believing it? That's the hard part.

Here is the thing...i have always struggled with body image (don't most people?) and some of the trauma that i have experienced solidified in my soul the belief that if i don't look a certain way, i won't be loved. Every time my spouse acted out, i believed somewhere inside that it was because i wasn't good enough or sexy enough or beautiful enough. i craved for the compliments from those around me...and especially from my significant other.

Now i know it didn't have to do with me. But it wasn't until recently that i realized i still believe that it did. That it was somehow and on some level my fault. Also, that the compliments of others won't help me with my self worth. Unless i feel good about myself, i will minimize any compliments i receive. And if i do feel good about myself (real, true, deep worth) it is not going to come from compliments.

A friend that i have been hanging out with since about March asked me the other day "How many dress sizes have you dropped since i met you?" i was shocked! That SAME DAY i had looked in the mirror and thought "When did i get so chunky? i have never been bigger."

Sometimes i am able to detach my worth from my physical appearance. But when that happens, i usually automatically attach it to something else: my ability to run, finishing a big work project, or having a beautifully clean home.

As a divorced person, i also go through periods of thinking that i am lesser because i do not have a happy marriage and beautiful littles. Or i swing the other way and see these amazing divorced women who are going back to school for higher degrees, living all over the world as volunteers, starting their own business or charities and touching thousands of peoples lives. i feel lesser because i do not have those goals....that my desire is just to be me...just a little bit better. And somewhere along the way i have lost the feeling that it's ok to just be me.

In my definition, true self worth would be to look in the mirror and be able to accept myself...just as i am. Whether i'm 5 pounds heavier or two dress sizes smaller. Whether i ran a marathon or whether i took a week break from getting any miles. Whether i am wearing makeup or not. Whether i am almost 30 or whether someone tells me that they don't believe i am any older than 23. Whether i have 3 children or whether i am single. Whether i am traveling all over the world, or whether i stay right here in Idaho. Inside and out, i want to be able to accept who i am and know that i am beautiful. That is my worth.

So here is the question....WHERE DOES SELF WORTH COME FROM?

And that is what i am working on. My sponsor and my therapist have given me some assignments: Every night i am on my knees pleading with my Higher Power for the ability to see myself as He sees me. Every time i look into a mirror i say "You are beautiful." Every night i stand in front of a full length mirror and look at myself and thank my body for what it does for me and tell myself that i deserve someone who loves me for everything that is in the mirror and everything that is inside me. (That someone is not ONLY a significant other...but also MYSELF).

i am also changing one of my 30 before 30 goals. Number 18 said: "Get down to 125 pounds." It will now read "Accept myself no matter what my weight is." That is healthy. It will also help me to reach #30 "Learn how to take a compliment" because once i can accept myself, there will be no need for me to minimize or put too much stock into what others say to me.

In order to succeed, i not only am disposing of my bathroom scale, i have pulled myself off Instagram. i recognize that social media for me is poison. i do not deny that it can be used for good and sometimes i miss staying in touch with others, but i find that it is too hard for me not to compare myself to others. The comparison is toxic and therefore, at least for now, Instagram will be like Facebook to me--nonexistent.

This is not me digging for compliments. This is not me saying that i can't (or don't want to improve). This is just some emotional honesty and a whole lot of vulnerability.

How my run is just like my recovery journey

Last Friday i worked a ten or more hour day. Even after i arrived home, i had to sign on and work some more. Because of work i didn't get to bed until 11:30. i  had to resolve some major issues in the middle of the night and i was up before 5am.

i was anxious, wound up and everything before i even started my half marathon. i had missed packet pick up the night before (because of work) so i felt flustered and unprepared. i hadn't been running as much (barely at all) because of my foot issues. i even told my guy the morning of the race that i wish i felt better about running that day.

We started at 7:30am. It was cold and windy.. i realized right as the race started that i was alone. i looked at my guy waving me on from the side. My coach wasn't with me. The friends i like to run with weren't with me. It was just me and the pavement.

No one was depending on me to finish or push me. There was no one there judging the pace i set. i could walk or stop and not feel bad. This was about me.

About 2.5 miles in, i was looking ahead and all along this gorgeous country road as far as i could see there was a line of neon colored people. They were all there, like me, pushing themselves to do something hard--fighting the same battle as me, just them and the pavement.

It was beautiful and inspiring. i was alone...but i was NOT alone. We were in this together.

Around mile 4, my foot began to hurt. By mile 7 it was completely numb. But i just ran and ran. i ran through the pain. And it hurt, but it was worth it. By the time i hit mile 9, i forgot about it. i'm sure the pain was still there, but it didn't matter anymore. i had the strength to endure it.

There was a really long slow climb for about 4.5 miles with little reprieve. We were running into a 10mph head wind. It was tough. i didn't walk at all. Not for the whole 13.1 miles. i didn't have to pause to retie my shoe a few times, but i just kept running.

When i hit mile 12, i picked up the pace. The last .5 miles were hell. i had absolutely nothing left to give. At the home stretch, i could barely move...so i sprinted.

i saw Ian standing with a camera...doing a two finger whistle and grinning. i couldn't help but start grinning and laughing back. As soon as i crossed the finish line, my guy was standing there with my medallion.

i was exhausted, chaffed, overwhelmed, sore and so so so proud.

In fact, i ran my guts out. i have never gone that far without walking or stopping for a bathroom. And i beat my last time by over 6 minutes.

After the race my body went into shock because i pushed myself so very hard. i might have felt pretty crappy physically, but otherwise i felt amazing.

i gave it everything i had. There wasn't one moment where i could have gone faster or harder than i did.

Goal Update

Maybe you think i have forgotten about my 30 before 30?

Not even close!

Here is what i have been up to:

#1- Get Completely Out of Debt: i have been adhering to a tight budget still and have not put anything on a credit card in almost a year!

#4- Run a Marathon: Running is pretty much a constant in my life now. Lately i have had some foot issues that are very disconcerting and have slowed my progress down immensely. i would hit about 4 miles into my runs and get a sharp shooting pain on the top of my right foot. Then my toes would go completely numb.

After trying to get help from a doctor (FAIL!) i finally self diagnosed and believe that i am struggling with extensor tendonitis. From what i can tell, the best thing to do was to purchase new shoes and rotate the shoes in which i run. Unfortunately, shoes are expensive, so their purchase didn't help much with goal #1, but such is life.

i will be running the Teton Dam half marathon next Saturday (wish two halves equaled a whole!) and then Ragnar at the end of June. Hopefully in August i will be running another half as well. Yay for summer races!

#7- Finish a Twin Sized Quilt: While i took a break temporarily from running, i pulled out the sewing machine. My quilt will be nine rows of nine squares...over the last two weeks, i sewed enough blocks for a row.

#9- Read and Keep an Accounting of 100 Novels: i am done with 25 books and half way through my 26th and 27th.

#10- Grow my Hair to Mermaid Lengths: It's getting pretty long over here!

Running outside also makes my freckles more pronounced :)

#13- Read the Bible from Cover to Cover: i will finish up 2 Chronicles this week.

#16- Scripture Study Every Night for a Year: The only night i have missed since i announced my goals was Thanksgiving.

#23- Clean and Organize Everything in my House: This week i have done my guest closet and my bedroom closet. Here we go....i LOVE organizing :)

#24- Snowshoe: DONE!!

Out and about at Island Park

Some pretty hi-tech snow shoes

#29- See a Great Concert: This is a summer of concerts for me...i have tickets for one in June, July and August.

Moab

Last weekend i went on an adventure. My guy took me to Moab with his family.

i was terrified to go. i did not have good in-law experiences in my past. But even before we left, his family had already been so kind--planning the vacation around my work schedule, emailing me information, texting me and asking for my opinions, etc.

Going was the best decision. i felt included, loved, not judged, accepted and appreciated. i felt like they WANTED me there and liked the idea of me being a part of their family. It was natural.

And i absolutely adored Moab.

i couldn't get enough of the red rocks. All of the plants were green and many of them were flowering, even the cacti. The arches and rock formations took my breath away. My camera was constantly clicking because i wanted to take it all home with me. Enjoy the picture dump!

On the top of a fin

Rafting the Colorado River

i like his face ::handsome::

Drying off after the rapids

In front of delicate arch

Look at us out there in Delicate Arch

Landscape Arch

Perfectly framed

Hiking through the Fiery Furnace

i'm in double arch

That's me! Run, jennifer, run!

Morning run around Moab to Arches

Me at the bottom of Double O Arch

My guy in the middle of Double O Arch

Both of us at the top of Double O

Such gorgeous views

Soaking in the sun. These colors are for real.