Celebrations

i like celebrating other people's birthdays because i am so happy that they were born and i love letting them know this.

Yesterday was my birthday. My friends, coworkers and family made me feel so very loved.
 
Nothing really huge happened, either. It was the little things that made the day so nice: coming to work to find my office decorated, employees who brought in sweets, a package from my mom, lunch with my coworkers, my guy taking the day off to come all the way up from Utah just to hang out with me for a day, friends from different areas of my life coming together for ice cream, calls from my family, dinner left in my fridge from my lovely neighbor, texts from old and far away friends, being serenaded by my brother, and a silly plastic crown to announce that it was my birthday. And, oh my, there were so many smiles and laughs and hugs.

i guess this post really is to say two things:

1- i have the best people in my life.
2- Today i am happy i was born too.

Introspective

This post has been knocking around in my brain for about a month now and it's time to solidify the thoughts in published words. i have continued to hesitate posting, for one, because this topic leaves me very vulnerable. It is something that i struggle with and always have. i would like to think that i will overcome my insecurities (after all, i know all the right answers) but internalizing truth and eliminating my faulty core beliefs proves to be a difficult task. i know that i am far from the only person to struggle with this, but i can only speak from my personal experience.

i don't like my body. When i look at it, all i see are my faults. i think "if i can just lose x amount of pounds" or "if i was one cup size bigger" or "if i could tan just a little more" or "if my hair was a little more red or a little longer" THEN i would be happy.

i know that's not true. i KNOW. But believing it? That's the hard part.

Here is the thing...i have always struggled with body image (don't most people?) and some of the trauma that i have experienced solidified in my soul the belief that if i don't look a certain way, i won't be loved. Every time my spouse acted out, i believed somewhere inside that it was because i wasn't good enough or sexy enough or beautiful enough. i craved for the compliments from those around me...and especially from my significant other.

Now i know it didn't have to do with me. But it wasn't until recently that i realized i still believe that it did. That it was somehow and on some level my fault. Also, that the compliments of others won't help me with my self worth. Unless i feel good about myself, i will minimize any compliments i receive. And if i do feel good about myself (real, true, deep worth) it is not going to come from compliments.

A friend that i have been hanging out with since about March asked me the other day "How many dress sizes have you dropped since i met you?" i was shocked! That SAME DAY i had looked in the mirror and thought "When did i get so chunky? i have never been bigger."

Sometimes i am able to detach my worth from my physical appearance. But when that happens, i usually automatically attach it to something else: my ability to run, finishing a big work project, or having a beautifully clean home.

As a divorced person, i also go through periods of thinking that i am lesser because i do not have a happy marriage and beautiful littles. Or i swing the other way and see these amazing divorced women who are going back to school for higher degrees, living all over the world as volunteers, starting their own business or charities and touching thousands of peoples lives. i feel lesser because i do not have those goals....that my desire is just to be me...just a little bit better. And somewhere along the way i have lost the feeling that it's ok to just be me.

In my definition, true self worth would be to look in the mirror and be able to accept myself...just as i am. Whether i'm 5 pounds heavier or two dress sizes smaller. Whether i ran a marathon or whether i took a week break from getting any miles. Whether i am wearing makeup or not. Whether i am almost 30 or whether someone tells me that they don't believe i am any older than 23. Whether i have 3 children or whether i am single. Whether i am traveling all over the world, or whether i stay right here in Idaho. Inside and out, i want to be able to accept who i am and know that i am beautiful. That is my worth.

So here is the question....WHERE DOES SELF WORTH COME FROM?

And that is what i am working on. My sponsor and my therapist have given me some assignments: Every night i am on my knees pleading with my Higher Power for the ability to see myself as He sees me. Every time i look into a mirror i say "You are beautiful." Every night i stand in front of a full length mirror and look at myself and thank my body for what it does for me and tell myself that i deserve someone who loves me for everything that is in the mirror and everything that is inside me. (That someone is not ONLY a significant other...but also MYSELF).

i am also changing one of my 30 before 30 goals. Number 18 said: "Get down to 125 pounds." It will now read "Accept myself no matter what my weight is." That is healthy. It will also help me to reach #30 "Learn how to take a compliment" because once i can accept myself, there will be no need for me to minimize or put too much stock into what others say to me.

In order to succeed, i not only am disposing of my bathroom scale, i have pulled myself off Instagram. i recognize that social media for me is poison. i do not deny that it can be used for good and sometimes i miss staying in touch with others, but i find that it is too hard for me not to compare myself to others. The comparison is toxic and therefore, at least for now, Instagram will be like Facebook to me--nonexistent.

This is not me digging for compliments. This is not me saying that i can't (or don't want to improve). This is just some emotional honesty and a whole lot of vulnerability.

How my run is just like my recovery journey

Last Friday i worked a ten or more hour day. Even after i arrived home, i had to sign on and work some more. Because of work i didn't get to bed until 11:30. i  had to resolve some major issues in the middle of the night and i was up before 5am.

i was anxious, wound up and everything before i even started my half marathon. i had missed packet pick up the night before (because of work) so i felt flustered and unprepared. i hadn't been running as much (barely at all) because of my foot issues. i even told my guy the morning of the race that i wish i felt better about running that day.

We started at 7:30am. It was cold and windy.. i realized right as the race started that i was alone. i looked at my guy waving me on from the side. My coach wasn't with me. The friends i like to run with weren't with me. It was just me and the pavement.

No one was depending on me to finish or push me. There was no one there judging the pace i set. i could walk or stop and not feel bad. This was about me.

About 2.5 miles in, i was looking ahead and all along this gorgeous country road as far as i could see there was a line of neon colored people. They were all there, like me, pushing themselves to do something hard--fighting the same battle as me, just them and the pavement.

It was beautiful and inspiring. i was alone...but i was NOT alone. We were in this together.

Around mile 4, my foot began to hurt. By mile 7 it was completely numb. But i just ran and ran. i ran through the pain. And it hurt, but it was worth it. By the time i hit mile 9, i forgot about it. i'm sure the pain was still there, but it didn't matter anymore. i had the strength to endure it.

There was a really long slow climb for about 4.5 miles with little reprieve. We were running into a 10mph head wind. It was tough. i didn't walk at all. Not for the whole 13.1 miles. i didn't have to pause to retie my shoe a few times, but i just kept running.

When i hit mile 12, i picked up the pace. The last .5 miles were hell. i had absolutely nothing left to give. At the home stretch, i could barely move...so i sprinted.

i saw Ian standing with a camera...doing a two finger whistle and grinning. i couldn't help but start grinning and laughing back. As soon as i crossed the finish line, my guy was standing there with my medallion.

i was exhausted, chaffed, overwhelmed, sore and so so so proud.

In fact, i ran my guts out. i have never gone that far without walking or stopping for a bathroom. And i beat my last time by over 6 minutes.

After the race my body went into shock because i pushed myself so very hard. i might have felt pretty crappy physically, but otherwise i felt amazing.

i gave it everything i had. There wasn't one moment where i could have gone faster or harder than i did.

Goal Update

Maybe you think i have forgotten about my 30 before 30?

Not even close!

Here is what i have been up to:

#1- Get Completely Out of Debt: i have been adhering to a tight budget still and have not put anything on a credit card in almost a year!

#4- Run a Marathon: Running is pretty much a constant in my life now. Lately i have had some foot issues that are very disconcerting and have slowed my progress down immensely. i would hit about 4 miles into my runs and get a sharp shooting pain on the top of my right foot. Then my toes would go completely numb.

After trying to get help from a doctor (FAIL!) i finally self diagnosed and believe that i am struggling with extensor tendonitis. From what i can tell, the best thing to do was to purchase new shoes and rotate the shoes in which i run. Unfortunately, shoes are expensive, so their purchase didn't help much with goal #1, but such is life.

i will be running the Teton Dam half marathon next Saturday (wish two halves equaled a whole!) and then Ragnar at the end of June. Hopefully in August i will be running another half as well. Yay for summer races!

#7- Finish a Twin Sized Quilt: While i took a break temporarily from running, i pulled out the sewing machine. My quilt will be nine rows of nine squares...over the last two weeks, i sewed enough blocks for a row.

#9- Read and Keep an Accounting of 100 Novels: i am done with 25 books and half way through my 26th and 27th.

#10- Grow my Hair to Mermaid Lengths: It's getting pretty long over here!

Running outside also makes my freckles more pronounced :)

#13- Read the Bible from Cover to Cover: i will finish up 2 Chronicles this week.

#16- Scripture Study Every Night for a Year: The only night i have missed since i announced my goals was Thanksgiving.

#23- Clean and Organize Everything in my House: This week i have done my guest closet and my bedroom closet. Here we go....i LOVE organizing :)

#24- Snowshoe: DONE!!

Out and about at Island Park

Some pretty hi-tech snow shoes

#29- See a Great Concert: This is a summer of concerts for me...i have tickets for one in June, July and August.

Moab

Last weekend i went on an adventure. My guy took me to Moab with his family.

i was terrified to go. i did not have good in-law experiences in my past. But even before we left, his family had already been so kind--planning the vacation around my work schedule, emailing me information, texting me and asking for my opinions, etc.

Going was the best decision. i felt included, loved, not judged, accepted and appreciated. i felt like they WANTED me there and liked the idea of me being a part of their family. It was natural.

And i absolutely adored Moab.

i couldn't get enough of the red rocks. All of the plants were green and many of them were flowering, even the cacti. The arches and rock formations took my breath away. My camera was constantly clicking because i wanted to take it all home with me. Enjoy the picture dump!

On the top of a fin

Rafting the Colorado River

i like his face ::handsome::

Drying off after the rapids

In front of delicate arch

Look at us out there in Delicate Arch

Landscape Arch

Perfectly framed

Hiking through the Fiery Furnace

i'm in double arch

That's me! Run, jennifer, run!

Morning run around Moab to Arches

Me at the bottom of Double O Arch

My guy in the middle of Double O Arch

Both of us at the top of Double O

Such gorgeous views

Soaking in the sun. These colors are for real.

Transparency

Remember in this article when i talked about transparency? Transparency and emotional honesty are not as easy as they sound. Of course, how simple is it to say, "i want you to be perfectly honest with me about how you feel, what you think, your bad habits, your past, everything." Then the truth comes and all the sudden i am left having to process all the information for which i asked.

It can be overwhelming; it is hard to hear the honesty of someone else. Part of my recovery is learning how to process the honesty of others, along with the emotions that it invokes in me, in a healthy manner.

 i have discovered how hard it is to be emotionally honest with others. Even though i want to talk about the hard stuff, it makes me very vulnerable. People do judge--or i feel like they are judging. All the sudden my emotions are right out there, to potentially be trampled on, contradicted or dismissed. Not hiding behind a facade is terrifying. Have you ever tried just being REAL? i didn't realize how much i either dramatized or minimized my life until working hard on emotional honesty. My ability to trust others was greatly damaged in the last 2.5 years and letting myself be transparent takes work and effort. Maya Angelou's words resonate with me, "“Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you.”

However, the most surprising thing has been to discover the difficulty of being honest with MYSELF. As Alan Moore wrote, "You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it." My sponsor has had me work on several inventories about my strengths and weaknesses, my fears and the shame messages that i tell myself. Brutal. It has been one of the hardest things to admit to myself my imperfections and yet even harder to admit to myself my worth.

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
  -Barbara De Angelis

Carnage and Barbie Bandaids

A few weeks ago i bought a package of Barbie Band-aids. Happiness! Little did i know the trauma that i would go through because of my impractical purchase.

i thought i was still an adult even with these band-aids

Two days ago, i almost sliced my finger off washing a knife. It was a bad cut. My father had given me some very expensive (and very sharp) knives for Christmas. The cleaver slid right through my index finger with no problem at all. i didn't even realize i was cut until my sink started filling with blood.

i bled all over my kitchen. 

And then i passed out.

Then i panicked because all i had were the damn Barbie Band-aids.

Luckily, after about five minutes, i got a hold of myself enough to run to my darling downstairs neighbor. She saved my life. Or at least my finger.

Grown-up bandages

It probably would have been better to just have headed down to her in the first place instead of running in circles dripping blood and hyperventilating.

Sweet Mercy.

Barbie had me fooled! All this time i thought she was a nurse and really she was just dressing up as one.


....i hope this doesn't mean that i have to get rid of my Minion band-aids and the My Little Pony band-aids too.

"Bottom" teehee hee hee

 

(Shout out to Laural for the title)