05 January 2015

"Keep your head up and your heart open" -Melody Beattie

i just finished "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brene Brown. i was floored by this book; it was incredible.

A brief blurb on her book from Amazon: "BrenĂ© Brown, a leading expert on shame, authenticity, and belonging, shares ten guideposts on the power of Wholehearted living—a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness."

Brene talks of the power of connection and how in order to connect, we need to be vulnerable and not hide behind shame. So i am going to be vulnerable today and talk about my fear of vulnerability...

i am working on processing my ability and willingness to be vulnerable. Last week was choked full of anxiety--i fought it fiercely. In looking back, much of it came because i was struggling with being vulnerable. Part of me still believes that if i am vulnerable then i am not strong or independent. If i am vulnerable then i have to open the door to being hurt or feeling pain. When i feel pain, i feel weak.

And when i am vulnerable and someone hurts me, my self worth becomes shaky. Shame comes in and says "You aren't worthy of Love! You aren't good enough!" So my default is to throw up a thick wall in order to avoid the hurt. The problem is that when the wall is there, there can be no connection either.

Saturday night, after an incredibly hard work day, i opened up, was brave enough to be vulnerable and i was shot down. In the aftermath of the pain and craziness of the day, i took some time for me and "stillness."

i sat on my living room floor with all the lights off except for my Christmas tree. Some quiet music was playing. i was in leggings and a sweatshirt with no makeup and my wet hair pulled up in a top knot. My Belle bird was cuddled against my neck for comfort.

i just started crying.

As i looked at the lights through my tears, i had the overwhelming feeling that my Heavenly Father thought i was beautiful. In fact, that i had never been more beautiful in my life as i was in that moment after opening my heart...even if it meant that i had been hurt. And that the light within me was shining so bright, it outshone my tree.

i received a confirmation that i was loved and worthy of it...that it was ok for me to be vulnerable and ok for me to hurt and cry. The tears did not make me weak. On the contrary, it took much more strength to do what i had done than to avoid the pain completely.

"Yes, i am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that i am also brave and worthy of love and belonging." -Brene Brown

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