26 March 2014

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"


Life is difficult. Sometimes life is lonely. There is no “happy ending” to this story. But there is no “sad ending” either. Jacob wants to get back together, but although that may seem perfectly romantic and a perfect dramatic final chapter,  here is the truth.
I don't want Jacob. I don't want a fairy tale. i don't want a romantic comedy. I don't want to be swept away with love notes, promises, roses and grand gestures. I don't want dramatic reunions in airports and public displays of affection. I don't want the past. I don't want a "happy ending" because I don't believe in the kind of endings that come in movies and books...in "happily ever afters."
I would like to be whole and happy in and of myself. I have hope. Hope that I can fully recover. Hope that I will be better next time. Hope that life can and will still be beautiful. Hope that, as Tolkien said, ‘You can only come to morning through the shadows.’ The last few years I have been through some very dark shadows; there were times that I thought if I felt any more pain I would die. I did not care if it was in a dramatic or exciting way, I just wanted it to be over and the pain to stop. But I am still alive. A very bright morning sun has risen on my horizon.
Some people say ‘I do not know how you do it! I would not be able to!’ I did not know that I ever had another option-- I just keep breathing and my life continues. Often I hear the statement, ‘I can not believe what Jake put you through.’ But I can not look at things that way-- as something that he put me through. Instead, I try to think of it as something that I am going through. It is hard not to be bitter and angry and sad. Sometimes I am bitter and angry and sad. I do not let the feelings linger; that shows animosity to my God. I believe that God did not “let this happen to me” and that this is not a trial He has given me. He loves me and never wanted me to suffer.  Suffering just happens with life. 

Would I have married Jacob if I knew what was going to come? It is irrelevant. I can not change the past. I married him. I believe that I made the best possible choice at that time with the information that I had. I loved him. I saw him as a good man. Back then, I could not imagine that he would ever choose what he did. Back then, I believed that life was and would be perfect. I learned. And that is alright, because I got smarter. I gained some important knowledge about myself and about life.
I know that life is hard; it's not a fairy tale. It's not all picnics and vacations and sunshine and snuggling and picture perfect movie moments.

I know who I am and I know what I am capable of doing.
Those who know me know that I have always been a hopeless romantic. Part of me still is. I may be a romantic, but I am also strong. Stronger than I ever knew.
In the end, I don't want a romantic story. I want reality.

After all, this is not just a novel; this is my life.

And this is not the end. This is just the beginning.
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