12 June 2011

Oh Baby

Maybe it's my age, maybe it's because most of my friends are Mormon or maybe i'm just surrounded by extremely fertile people, but it seems that a plethora of people around me (and those i communicate with via technology) are reproducing rather rapidly. It seems to come in waves...this is the second or third wave since i've been off my mission. With the flux in pregnant women or recent new parents surrounding me, my conversations (and therefore my thoughts) have focused on children, pregancy and babies.

This is how i really feel.

i'm happy for people that want babies and have them. i'm sad for people that want babies and don't have them. i don't like to entertain the thought of people that don't want babies and have them.

Hearing about pregnancy grosses me out. There is nothing magical or inviting when i hear about elbows in ribs, peeing when you sneeze, stretch marks and morning sickness. And everytime i hear someone whine about it, i want to refer them to the curse that God placed upon Eve and say "What did you expect...a walk in the park?"

Hearing about child birth (in any of its forms) gives me anxiety attacks. There is nothing at all remotely ok in my mind with the words bloody show, mucus plug or afterbirth. Everytime i see the word "dilate" in a facebook status, i scream out loud. Literally.

i hate holding babies. i used to blame it on the mother's hovering over me…or their floppy heads…or that they are so fragile…or that i might make them cry. But the truth is that i am quite comfortable holding a baby in and of itself…i really don't mind if it fusses and i know how to keep their heads steady. The real issue is what people say when i hold a baby. They spout off things like "You are a natural!" or "You look so good with that baby!" or "You'll make an excellent mother!" or "Doesn't that make you want to have a baby?" Now i feel like i can't even LOOK at a child for fear of these comments coming my way and having to refute them. Can't i enjoy someone else's child without yearning for one of my own?

It's very discouraging when people ask if i am pregnant. Just because i wear an empire waist one day doesn't mean i'm pregnant. Just because i have to use the bathroom multiple times doesn't mean i'm pregnant (i just drank a lot of water). Just because i think a baby outfit is cute doesn't mean i'm pregant. And it doesn't mean i'm pregnant if i say i'm not feeling well, or get emotional during a movie, or crave something salty, or say that i didn't sleep well the night before. Please, stop asking. It's quite damaging to my self esteem and may make me believe i'm obese which would lead to anorexia (i couldn't result to bulemia because then they would cry "Morning sickness!")

The absolute worst is when people ask me when i am going to start trying to have children. They just assume that since i've been married for 2.5 years i'm itching for posterity. i want to shout out "It's none of your business!" Sometimes i have to bite my tongue hard in order to keep from uttering a completely inappropriate comment such as "Well, we are trying really hard, but for some reason my birth control keeps me from getting knocked up!"

So, for the present, let me set some ground rules. Don't ask me if i'm preggo and don't ask me about reproducing. Although i love you dearly, please don't be offended if i make faces and moan in pain and complain of my ears bleeding if you choose to speak to me about your birthing experience or the "joys" of pregnancy. And, if you include any details of the above topics in your "status," the comment "UUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!" is probably from me :)
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