And so i return.
It seems a fitting time, too, with the beginning of a year. This is where i was last year.
2013 brought the following things for me:
*My name is no longer Jennifer Olson. i am now, officially and legally, JENNIFER WADSWORTH ::grin::
*i attended the temple once a week for 52 weeks. Every week the entire year of 2013. This has brought me a grounding and a peace beyond measure.
*Writing out my story was one of the most cathartic things i did all year. It enabled me to remember the good times, cry over the bad times, and review the divorce and why i made the decisions that i did. It solidified in my mind that i did all i could, made good choices and am on the path i should be on. It helped me to move on.
*i am a runner. There is a phrase in a song which says "It took a while for her to figure out she could run...but when she did, she was long gone." Applicable on many levels to me! i started running for many emotional reasons. i keep running because i love it and because i am good at it. i run almost 30 miles a week now with "short runs" being 5 miles and long runs at 11 miles. i don't have to run away from my past any more, nor am i trying to run to the future. As i stride out the miles, i enjoy the present: the burn in my legs, the pound of my heart, my steady breath and the knowledge that i do hard things every single day.
*Closure. Hurrah for absolute and utter closure. i still struggle with trust issues and triggering, but i feel like the chapter of my life with my first marriage is completely closed. In September when iOS7 came out from Apple, i rejoiced at the ability to block texts and calls from specific numbers on my iPhone. It has been a relief to not worry about when i would get a text or a call from the ex to stir up my emotions. Even so, the email i received on Thanksgiving from him gave me a jolt for about 30 mins and then it was over. No regrets.
*The Togetherness Project that i attended changed my viewpoint on my past experiences. It helped me to realize the magnitude of the trauma i went through. The conference gave me tools and ideas on how to heal and prepare for the future, and gave me hope and comfort in my life.
*In November a friend contacted me. She was dealing with some life problems. Heavy heavy life problems. Problems that i struggled with when i was with the ex. Problems that practically broke me; that destroyed my life. When i was dealing with these problems i would kneel down and cry to my God saying "WHY? Why me? i can't deal with this. No one should have to deal with this!" She reached out to me after having struggled by herself for so many months. She talked and i listened. i talked a little and she said, "I KNEW that you would understand! i am so glad that you are here. I had no one who I could turn to before." When our conversation was over, i curled up on the ground and bawled. i cried for her because i know how it hurts; i remember the pain and i remember the brutality of it. i cried because i was grateful; i survived and now i could help others. And then i knelt down on my knees and sobbed to my God saying, "THANK YOU. Thank you for what i have been through. Thank you for helping me deal with that so that i can help someone else. Thank you for that trial." i can truly say i am grateful.
*i have a guy friend ::giggle:: If you follow me on instagram you will have seen his face there. i suppose it's time to introduce him to the blog. i will have to write more about serious dating post divorce (different than i ever thought it would be). For now, let's just say that he is a good guy and i think i will keep him around for a bit.
But much has changed since last year. i have accepted my reality. And i am ok with it. In fact, i LOVE it! i love who i am. i love where i am. i am grateful for my life, for my trials, for this past year.
Last year my motto was from President Hinckley "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured."
This year i am double-mottoing it. The first is once again from Hinckley, "Try a little harder to be a little better." The second from Aristotle, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit."
Here's to 2014!