10 September 2013

You are irreplaceable

Today is National Suicide Awareness Day.

Throughout the teen years, when so many people feel angst and depression, i was gratefully spared. i couldn't comprehend why ANYONE would ever even CONSIDER suicide. The idea was foreign, unattractive and frightening to me. i never expected to ever view death as an alluring option.

Then my world shattered. i got lost. i had been living for my husband and he didn't want me anymore. i didn't know what to do with myself. All at once i felt like i had no purpose to existing and that i was completely on my own. i felt unloved and useless.

i never really wanted to kill myself, but i wanted to die. As i drove to work i thought, "If i just fell asleep right now, i would get in an accident and never wake up." i thought about how nice it would be to stop hurting. Sitting alone in my apartment i would plead with God, "Please please let someone just call me or text me right now. i need to know that i matter to SOMEBODY."

One night i remember curling up in bed in the tightest ball possible with my blankets pulled all the way up over my head. Laying there trembling, i felt like the darkness was sinking in and suffocating me and that the weight of the world was crashing down and i couldn't breath. All i could do was pray to survive the night; i honestly felt like i couldn't.

But i did survive. Even if no one called me. And i am finding myself again; i am finding purpose again. Discouragement still finds me, but i am no longer paralyzed with that deepest despair. The days go by, the weeks go by, the months go by and soon the years will go by. Here i am. Healing and becoming a better person. And i can honestly say that i am happier here single on my own than i was the last 6 months that i was married.

However, i don't think i will ever forget how i felt during those times; the horrible that it is to believe i was utterly worthless. That is why i love the push that To Write Love On Her Arms is doing for National Suicide Prevention Week this year: You Cannot be Replaced. They challenge us to write about our worth and share a reason why we can't be replaced, as well as telling others why they are irreplaceable. So here i go.


*No one else could make "geek" look as classy as i can.

*Who else would be able to tell my story?

*i'm the only "Bennski" my dad has.

Please know that i love you and that you cannot be replaced. If you need a reason, ask me and i will tell you why you are irreplaceable in my life.
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