Love, Love, Love

"I love you without knowing how, or when or from where.


I love you simply, without problems or pride:



I love you in this way because i do not know any other way but this,


in which there is not I or you,


so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,


so intimate that when I fall asleep, your eyes close."



-Pablo Neruda

Pictures by Stephanie Patterson Photography

Fortunately, Unfortunately

When i was younger, Erika and i had this tape we always checked out of the library with silly songs, ridiculous stories and goofy jokes. One of the stories/jokes on this tape has been repeating itself in my brain lately. As well as i can remember, it goes something like this:

A man fell from a plane.
Fortunately, he was wearing a parachute.
Unfortunately, the parachute didn't open.
Fortunately, he fell from the plane over a large haystack.
Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the haystack.
Fortunately, he missed the pitchfork.
Unfortunately, he missed the haystack.

Why has this been on my mind? For the following reason:

i moved to Pocatello.
Fortunately, i already had a job.
Unfortunately, it was a 3 hour commute.
Fortunately, i worked for a shuttle company.
Unfortunately, the shuttle i rode to work was canceled.
Fortunately, i was given a company vehicle.
Unfortunately, this vehicle is a Mini Van.

Yes, you read that correctly. I now drive a bloody mini-van to work ::sigh:: (Fortunately, i can still drive my Mini Cooper on the weekends).

Another example?

I got a calling.
Fortunately, it is in Young Women's
Unfortunately, it is the Young Women's PRESIDENT.
Fortunately, it is not Primary.
Unfortunately, i can only have one counselor.
Fortunately, my counselor is amazing.
Unfortunately, she is still over scouts as well.

Yup...no 2nd counselor. No secretary. No advisors. Me+Elizabeth=the whole Young Women's leadership...camp, Sundays, meetings, lessons, mutual, budget...everything.

However, in the midst of all this seeming negativity i have to stop and count my blessings. The truth is that people all around me at the moment are going through some very trying times. REALLY hard things. Divorce, brain surgeries, breast cancer, tumors, sick loved ones, struggling with finances...so many trials in the small bubble of people surrounding me. In comparison, a difficult calling and a mini-van don't seem so bad...especially since both really are blessings in their own way. So, i have included pictures of the "fortunatelys" in my life...more things that make me happy.

I love reading Harry Potter to Jacob, especially when we are driving.



It's even more amazing when i find a TYPO in Harry Potter.



How incredible to have a gorgeous arrangement of roses and lilies delivered to work.


...and sometimes a $5 bouquet bought from a market is just as good!



We never manage to behave properly...even when we are all dressed up for tea.



Best street name ever!



i love watching Jacob fish.




It's even better when i have a gorgeous sunset to watch as well and a good book to keep me company.




How fun to get all dolled up and go out on a weekend.




But tonight...even better to stay in with oreos and a book to read together.




Hope you have a fortunate weekend!

Do spiders die when you suck them up in the vacuum?

They’d better! And even if they don’t, please tell me that they are dead. Because I vacuumed up three of them yesterday evening. And now I’m terrified they will emerge.

I find all of this somewhat amusing as I am not even afraid of spiders. Sure, I’ll scream if one catches me off guard (for example, when I find them in my bed or that time I realized I was showering with one) and their sticky webs gross me out. But usually I can grab a tissue, squish the spider and get rid of it without drama. In fact, if I see the webs in my living space, I will deep clean them, even if it means leaving the spiders homeless and thus causing them to wander around the house. When I was in Chile, I moved into one apartment that had complexes of webs under the stairs. On my first cleaning day there, I attacked with a vengeance. For the next week we found spiders crawling all over the house. My companion said she had never seen any until I destroyed their living space. It was worth it; I couldn’t stand knowing they were there.

These three, however, looked extra threatening. As I stood there with my tissue, preparing to squish them, I could not force my hand to reach out and grab their hairy little bodies. I imagined their little beady eyes glaring at me and their bodies crunching under my fingers. Or worse, somehow not crunching them enough and having them run crawling up my arm and into my hair. I was paralyzed.

I finally narrowed my options down to the following:
1- Ignore them until Jacob gets home on Friday.
2- Call my neighbor over to kill the spiders.
3- Spray them with bleach (which would run down the wall onto my carpet and I wasn’t sure it would kill them anyway).
4- Spend 45 mins to go into town and buy Raid.
5- Squish them with a shoe and then have to clean spider guts off the walls.
6- Vacuum them up.

Perhaps there were more options, but at the moment, that’s all my brain processed. Since I couldn’t stand to let them live and found it too humiliating to ask for help, the vacuum seemed like the easiest way to kill them. So I used it. Then came the nightmares. Last night as I slept, I saw them coming out of the vacuum cleaner, revengeful, to hunt me down for destroying their webs. So, please assure me that they are undoubtedly dead. I am feeling a disturbing affinity to Ronald Weasley that I’d rather avoid. (I’d much prefer relating to Fred and George, thank you very much!)

Wish I still had the courage as I did as a little girl to belt out the song my mother taught me:

We are the spider fighters! We use our flash-a-lighters. We track them all around. We trap them to the ground. We pull off all their legs, and gather all their eggs. We get a great big bunch. They make a dandy lunch. Crunch, Crunch!

Birthday Boy

"You know how to be silly. That's why I like you. Boy are you ever silly. I never met anyone sillier than me till I met you. I like you because you know when it's time to stop being silly. Maybe day after tomorrow. Maybe never.



Oops too late it's quarter past silly"


Who says that just 'cause you get older, you have to act like a grown up all the time?

I'm glad you are still silly...even when you are a year older.

Te re amo.

Quote from I Like You by Sandol Stoddard

Pictures byStephanie

Don't worry, Be happy

Life can get depressing. The deeper into it that i get, the more i realize that it's not easy and it's probably not going to get any easier. There is always something to worry about...and i tend to worry a bit too much. In fact, i get myself all tied up in nervous knots about money or school or work or lack of time. And if i don't have anything in my life going on, i worry about my loved one's lives. Sometimes i feel exhausted and quite often exclaim "i don't want to do it anymore!" (It meaning anything and everything). Jacob is constantly having to reassure me by saying "Everything is going to be ok."

Is it? Probably. But most of the time i just feel overwhelmed.

As the spring lingered colder, wetter and longer than usual (or so i thought) i vowed to myself that if the sun would just come out and the weather warm up, i would be perfectly content. Well, come the sun did, but my happiness did not come with it...at least, not without a little effort. As the summer moved in, i decided to try harder to be happier. This is what i did:

*Read my scriptures more faithfully. Amazing what peace that brings into life.
*Planted flowers.
*Read Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury. NOTHING makes me realize the beauty in the world and the beauty in living as much as that book does. It brings me back to earth. And it fills my heart and head with poetry. In fact, i might have to read it every month this summer.

And, i started taking pictures when i felt happy (and consciously realized it) of what was making me happy. i was surprised how fast i filled my iPhone with pictures...and how flipping through them later made me just as happy as i felt in that moment. i was also surprised at the simplicity of the cause of my happiness. In other words, i found joy in the little things going on in my life: our garden, the birds, being with Jacob, driving in the car together, fresh laundry on the line, and the beautiful country in which we live.

It's kind of a picture overload, but here are some of my favorite snapshots over the last couple of weeks.

The little things that keep me amused

Sometimes happiness at work is:

*A fun new gel highlighter

*Suddenly realizing the day is over and it has flown by

*A voicemail from a driver panicking because he'd lost his pants on a shuttle {and it wasn't even a prank call!}

*Building the perfect rubberband ball

*Decorating the boss' desk with Justin Bieber memorabilia

*Finally filing something that has been previously unresolved for months

*Accordian Post-It notes

*Making the perfect "That's what she said" joke in front of the whole shop

*Someone bringing in food to share

*Laughing with the other girls at the names of the passengers {think Chlorine, Zsolt and TyRay}

*When someone besides me falls on the stairs

*Fridays :D

Have a wonderful Friday tomorrow and an amazing weekend. I'm sure I will!

Oh Baby

Maybe it's my age, maybe it's because most of my friends are Mormon or maybe i'm just surrounded by extremely fertile people, but it seems that a plethora of people around me (and those i communicate with via technology) are reproducing rather rapidly. It seems to come in waves...this is the second or third wave since i've been off my mission. With the flux in pregnant women or recent new parents surrounding me, my conversations (and therefore my thoughts) have focused on children, pregancy and babies.

This is how i really feel.

i'm happy for people that want babies and have them. i'm sad for people that want babies and don't have them. i don't like to entertain the thought of people that don't want babies and have them.

Hearing about pregnancy grosses me out. There is nothing magical or inviting when i hear about elbows in ribs, peeing when you sneeze, stretch marks and morning sickness. And everytime i hear someone whine about it, i want to refer them to the curse that God placed upon Eve and say "What did you expect...a walk in the park?"

Hearing about child birth (in any of its forms) gives me anxiety attacks. There is nothing at all remotely ok in my mind with the words bloody show, mucus plug or afterbirth. Everytime i see the word "dilate" in a facebook status, i scream out loud. Literally.

i hate holding babies. i used to blame it on the mother's hovering over me…or their floppy heads…or that they are so fragile…or that i might make them cry. But the truth is that i am quite comfortable holding a baby in and of itself…i really don't mind if it fusses and i know how to keep their heads steady. The real issue is what people say when i hold a baby. They spout off things like "You are a natural!" or "You look so good with that baby!" or "You'll make an excellent mother!" or "Doesn't that make you want to have a baby?" Now i feel like i can't even LOOK at a child for fear of these comments coming my way and having to refute them. Can't i enjoy someone else's child without yearning for one of my own?

It's very discouraging when people ask if i am pregnant. Just because i wear an empire waist one day doesn't mean i'm pregnant. Just because i have to use the bathroom multiple times doesn't mean i'm pregnant (i just drank a lot of water). Just because i think a baby outfit is cute doesn't mean i'm pregant. And it doesn't mean i'm pregnant if i say i'm not feeling well, or get emotional during a movie, or crave something salty, or say that i didn't sleep well the night before. Please, stop asking. It's quite damaging to my self esteem and may make me believe i'm obese which would lead to anorexia (i couldn't result to bulemia because then they would cry "Morning sickness!")

The absolute worst is when people ask me when i am going to start trying to have children. They just assume that since i've been married for 2.5 years i'm itching for posterity. i want to shout out "It's none of your business!" Sometimes i have to bite my tongue hard in order to keep from uttering a completely inappropriate comment such as "Well, we are trying really hard, but for some reason my birth control keeps me from getting knocked up!"

So, for the present, let me set some ground rules. Don't ask me if i'm preggo and don't ask me about reproducing. Although i love you dearly, please don't be offended if i make faces and moan in pain and complain of my ears bleeding if you choose to speak to me about your birthing experience or the "joys" of pregnancy. And, if you include any details of the above topics in your "status," the comment "UUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!" is probably from me :)