Being 30 is like being 29...but older

Last week i left my twenties behind me.

A few months ago, i imagined a huge birthday bash with massive amounts of my friends. But as it grew closer, i realized that what i really loved (and wanted) was to share it with just those few people in Rexburg that are always there for me...and to spoil myself doing the things that i love the most.

So, of course, i started the day with a run. Mr B joined me and we watched the sun rise as we ran through the rolling farmland just east of town. On our way back to town, he stopped to pick me a birthday bouquet of wildflowers.

Instead of rushing into the office, i took the time to soak in the bubble bath and whittle away on the stack of books i'm currently reading. It was a relaxing morning.

Per their usual, my employees had gone all out for my birthday. My office was calf-high in balloons, there were streamers every which way, and the desk was covered in ribbons and cards. Not only that, but they had organized a potluck lunch with delicious food and a decadent chocolate fudge and strawberry cake.

i received so many texts and calls from my friends and family who live far away. Even my nephew (who is *almost* here) sent well wishes! This snapchat makes me ridiculously happy:

{i think she is the cutest pregnant lady ever}

After work i curled up on my floor in the patch of sun shining through my sliding door and read and napped until dinner time. Then it was time to head to Mr B's. And i was greeted with this view on the grill:

He is the grillmaster

We put on my Spotify "Happy" playlist and worked together to prepare some delicious peach-kissed burgers to go along with the jalapeno poppers, corn on the cob and pineapple that were already on the grill.

A few more of our closest friends came to enjoy dinner, games and the delicious cake that Mr B prepared.

Nice candle placement :)

After cake, i opened a stack of cards from my family and Mr B's family and giggled my way through a book that my girlfriend picked up for me when she was in England last month.

The night ended curled up on the couch next to Mr B, reveling in the day, making hiking plans for the weekend, laughing and enjoying one another's company.


A friend asked me how i felt about turning 30. After much thought i realized that i am in better shape physically, emotionally, and spiritually than i ever have been. If that's how i'm starting my third decade of life, then i say...


BRING ON THE THIRTIES

i ran a marathon

On Saturday i ran the SLC, UT full marathon. 

It was an unbelievably emotional experience. i didn't know if i could really do it. Somewhere deep inside me i was still telling myself that i wasn't tough enough or strong enough or brave enough to really finish. i wasn't a REAL runner. 

The half marathon and the full started at the same place and time so i hung out with my runner friends at the start line--one doing the half and the other the full.

It was way colder than it looks. My legs turned purple.

At mile 9 there was a huge sign on the course that said "Half--run straight. Full--turn left." i felt myself choke up as i approached the sign. i was turning left. i was actually running a full!

i have been having major knee pain for about a month now, and there was no respite for the race. My knee almost took me down at mile 10. i didn't let it. But it made for a very long last 16.2 miles.

Throughout the entire race, my older sister sent me funny memes and encouraging texts. She kept me laughing even as the pain became intense. There were also SO MANY supporters there to cheer the runners on. i honestly don't think i went more than a 1/4 of a mile the entire race without someone clapping or holding up a sign or shouting out encouragement. Sometimes their signs made me smile. A few brought tears to my eyes, like the one that said "You are amazing" and the man who said "You are going to be a marathon finisher today!"

Just before mile 17, i saw my little brother and my friend, Mr B, at the corner. Ian shouted encouragement and asked how i was doing. Mr B had his running shoes on. He jumped onto the course and ran with me until mile 21. The whole time he told me how amazing i was, how much courage i had and how he knew i could do this. As he veered off the course, he shouted "I'm proud of you always!" Those words, followed shortly by a text from my sister that said "The miracle isn't that I finished, it is that I had the courage to start" once again got my emotions flowing. 

There were only five miles to go. i was hurting and kept thinking, "Pain. Pain. Pain." But i wasn't alone. My girlfriend had finished her half and started sending encouraging messages, including sending prayers my way. Other friends texted me their support. The other runners were there with me. Supporters offered popsicles, gummy bears and even bacon. i got this picture of my mom, sister and niece cheering me on from home (with the caption "Go Gigi!"):

You guessed it...more tears when i saw it

And then i was almost there. i could hear the band playing at the end. i could see the finish line. i knew that my groupies would be there waiting for me.

Coming into the final stretch

As i entered the final shoot, i ran as fast as i could make my body move. Mr B was waiting at the side and run along with me from behind the spectators.

Right before i crossed the finish line, i couldn't contain the emotions anymore and i threw my hands in the air and screamed as loud as i could.

Screaming for pure joy

i did it!!!!!

Then i had a medal around my neck. And Ian was there hugging me. And then the tears started. i did it. For the next few minutes, i just cried. When i thought i was done, my girlfriend hugged me and the tears continued. Then Mr B was there and i cried some more. And then my sis sent me the inspiration below and i cried some more.

When the tears stopped, all i could feel was gratitude. i am so grateful for my family who supported me from near and far. i am so grateful for my friends who prayed for me, texted me, ran with me and drove all the way down from Idaho to hug me at the finish line. i am so grateful for my body and the ability that i have to run so hard and so far. i am grateful for my legs that pushed through the pain and helped me to fly.

"Fly"

20 months ago i ran my first mile. After all of those months of running four days a week, five pairs of running shoes, so many early mornings, hundreds of laps on the track, suffering through muscle cramps, losing toenails and popping blisters, and THOUSANDS of miles, i did what i thought was the impossible for me. 

i ran a marathon.

 "Would the marathon runner feel the triumph of finishing the race had she not felt the pain of the hours of pushing against her limits?" -Dieter F Uchtdorf

Introspective

This post has been knocking around in my brain for about a month now and it's time to solidify the thoughts in published words. i have continued to hesitate posting, for one, because this topic leaves me very vulnerable. It is something that i struggle with and always have. i would like to think that i will overcome my insecurities (after all, i know all the right answers) but internalizing truth and eliminating my faulty core beliefs proves to be a difficult task. i know that i am far from the only person to struggle with this, but i can only speak from my personal experience.

i don't like my body. When i look at it, all i see are my faults. i think "if i can just lose x amount of pounds" or "if i was one cup size bigger" or "if i could tan just a little more" or "if my hair was a little more red or a little longer" THEN i would be happy.

i know that's not true. i KNOW. But believing it? That's the hard part.

Here is the thing...i have always struggled with body image (don't most people?) and some of the trauma that i have experienced solidified in my soul the belief that if i don't look a certain way, i won't be loved. Every time my spouse acted out, i believed somewhere inside that it was because i wasn't good enough or sexy enough or beautiful enough. i craved for the compliments from those around me...and especially from my significant other.

Now i know it didn't have to do with me. But it wasn't until recently that i realized i still believe that it did. That it was somehow and on some level my fault. Also, that the compliments of others won't help me with my self worth. Unless i feel good about myself, i will minimize any compliments i receive. And if i do feel good about myself (real, true, deep worth) it is not going to come from compliments.

A friend that i have been hanging out with since about March asked me the other day "How many dress sizes have you dropped since i met you?" i was shocked! That SAME DAY i had looked in the mirror and thought "When did i get so chunky? i have never been bigger."

Sometimes i am able to detach my worth from my physical appearance. But when that happens, i usually automatically attach it to something else: my ability to run, finishing a big work project, or having a beautifully clean home.

As a divorced person, i also go through periods of thinking that i am lesser because i do not have a happy marriage and beautiful littles. Or i swing the other way and see these amazing divorced women who are going back to school for higher degrees, living all over the world as volunteers, starting their own business or charities and touching thousands of peoples lives. i feel lesser because i do not have those goals....that my desire is just to be me...just a little bit better. And somewhere along the way i have lost the feeling that it's ok to just be me.

In my definition, true self worth would be to look in the mirror and be able to accept myself...just as i am. Whether i'm 5 pounds heavier or two dress sizes smaller. Whether i ran a marathon or whether i took a week break from getting any miles. Whether i am wearing makeup or not. Whether i am almost 30 or whether someone tells me that they don't believe i am any older than 23. Whether i have 3 children or whether i am single. Whether i am traveling all over the world, or whether i stay right here in Idaho. Inside and out, i want to be able to accept who i am and know that i am beautiful. That is my worth.

So here is the question....WHERE DOES SELF WORTH COME FROM?

And that is what i am working on. My sponsor and my therapist have given me some assignments: Every night i am on my knees pleading with my Higher Power for the ability to see myself as He sees me. Every time i look into a mirror i say "You are beautiful." Every night i stand in front of a full length mirror and look at myself and thank my body for what it does for me and tell myself that i deserve someone who loves me for everything that is in the mirror and everything that is inside me. (That someone is not ONLY a significant other...but also MYSELF).

i am also changing one of my 30 before 30 goals. Number 18 said: "Get down to 125 pounds." It will now read "Accept myself no matter what my weight is." That is healthy. It will also help me to reach #30 "Learn how to take a compliment" because once i can accept myself, there will be no need for me to minimize or put too much stock into what others say to me.

In order to succeed, i not only am disposing of my bathroom scale, i have pulled myself off Instagram. i recognize that social media for me is poison. i do not deny that it can be used for good and sometimes i miss staying in touch with others, but i find that it is too hard for me not to compare myself to others. The comparison is toxic and therefore, at least for now, Instagram will be like Facebook to me--nonexistent.

This is not me digging for compliments. This is not me saying that i can't (or don't want to improve). This is just some emotional honesty and a whole lot of vulnerability.

Goal Update

Maybe you think i have forgotten about my 30 before 30?

Not even close!

Here is what i have been up to:

#1- Get Completely Out of Debt: i have been adhering to a tight budget still and have not put anything on a credit card in almost a year!

#4- Run a Marathon: Running is pretty much a constant in my life now. Lately i have had some foot issues that are very disconcerting and have slowed my progress down immensely. i would hit about 4 miles into my runs and get a sharp shooting pain on the top of my right foot. Then my toes would go completely numb.

After trying to get help from a doctor (FAIL!) i finally self diagnosed and believe that i am struggling with extensor tendonitis. From what i can tell, the best thing to do was to purchase new shoes and rotate the shoes in which i run. Unfortunately, shoes are expensive, so their purchase didn't help much with goal #1, but such is life.

i will be running the Teton Dam half marathon next Saturday (wish two halves equaled a whole!) and then Ragnar at the end of June. Hopefully in August i will be running another half as well. Yay for summer races!

#7- Finish a Twin Sized Quilt: While i took a break temporarily from running, i pulled out the sewing machine. My quilt will be nine rows of nine squares...over the last two weeks, i sewed enough blocks for a row.

#9- Read and Keep an Accounting of 100 Novels: i am done with 25 books and half way through my 26th and 27th.

#10- Grow my Hair to Mermaid Lengths: It's getting pretty long over here!

Running outside also makes my freckles more pronounced :)

#13- Read the Bible from Cover to Cover: i will finish up 2 Chronicles this week.

#16- Scripture Study Every Night for a Year: The only night i have missed since i announced my goals was Thanksgiving.

#23- Clean and Organize Everything in my House: This week i have done my guest closet and my bedroom closet. Here we go....i LOVE organizing :)

#24- Snowshoe: DONE!!

Out and about at Island Park

Some pretty hi-tech snow shoes

#29- See a Great Concert: This is a summer of concerts for me...i have tickets for one in June, July and August.

Goal Update

There is something innately satisfying about seeing progression. Here is what i have worked toward in the last month.

#1: Get Completely Out of Debt
i spent the whole month religiously recording my expenses. My spreadsheet is simple, but effective. i love having it saved on my Google Drive so that i can access it wherever i am.

#4: Run a marathon
i love running. LOVE it! It is empowering! i'm slowly but surely creeping on up! Four days a week i pound the pavement and it's hard not to run the other three days. None of my runs are less than three miles now. My long runs are up to eight and i complete them easily; it's time to up it again! i transitioned to minimalist running shoes which i adore. The snow has made some appearances, so i invested in some warm running gear; the winter won't slow me down!

#5: Forgive Jacob
i kept looking at this goal and struggled with where to start. i didn't feel angry toward the ex (usually). But i still feel hurt. How do i define "forgiveness?"

About three weeks ago i had a bit of a revelation. i attended a conference for women who have spouses or ex spouses with sex and pornography addictions. Wow. I will have to write more about what i learned. One thing that hit me was that i do not have to be completely healed to forgive. i can still hurt or still know that what i went through was tramatic. Forgiving him does not mean that what he did was "ok" or that my pain was (and is) any less intense. It doesn't mean that i am excusing his behavior.

John Gray said "To forgive is to release another from being responsible for how we feel." This rings true to me. i can feel whatever i want to feel. Not forgiving the ex is using him as an excuse, a validation or justification for letting myself feel angry or lonely or depressed. Forgiving him may not take away those feelings, but it makes ME responsible for them! i have to own up to my own feelings.

With AMAZING Jacy, the organizer of the
Togetherness Project

Why do i love this? Because that means he has NO CONTROL over anything in my life. And THAT feels GOOD! i don't want to blame anything on him because i don't want him to be part of my life anymore. i am in control--of the good and the bad. Ok, so i'm not quite taking complete ownership yet, but i am getting closer!

i am also trying to keep a spiritual perspective on forgiveness. In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ taught "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." To be honest, i have never tried praying for somebody to whom i felt resentment. i would pray for MYSELF to be more compassionate or to have more charity. So i started praying for the ex, by name. i also try to keep his name on the Rexburg temple prayer roll. Sometimes i feel like my prayer is not as sincere as it could be...that i am just praying for him because i am supposed to. But that is changing. i am getting closer to forgiveness.

#9: Read 100 Novels
My reading has been woeful, but i did finish "Stargirl" by Jerry Spinelli

#11: Take the GRE
i started researching study guides to help me prep. A couple are added to my Amazon Wish List.

#13: Read Bible from cover to cover/#16: Scripture study nightly for 1 year

Plugging my way through Deuteronomy!

#18: Get down to 125 pounds

While i'm not there yet, i'm dropping. Since i am at a pretty healthy weight, i have to fight for every pound. i am right at 128. However, i am still losing inches. i am down to a size 4 pant size and not very many of my clothes fit me anymore. i feel pleased with how i look!

#22: Master Making a White Sauce

Done!!! The first thing i can check off. My mom gave me advice over the phone and my peas and potatoes turned out perfectly. i have done it a couple of times since and feel confident in my skills :)



30 before 30: One Month Update

It's been just over one month since my birthday and when i posted the goals i have before i turn 30.

i keep a little moleskine notebook in which, at the end of every day, i have written what i accomplished that day to help me reach my goals. Here is what i have accomplished towards meeting those goals so far:

#1: Get completely out of debt

i cut up my credit card. i figured out exactly how much debt i had (including my car) and made a plan to pay it off as soon as possible. i set up a budget and updated it several times a week. At the end of September, i had lived below my budgeted amount and had a *small* amount extra to put into savings.

#4: Run a Marathon

Starting in June, i have followed a very strict running schedule. i run four days a week. i am addicted. Last Saturday i competed in my first race. It was a temple to temple marathon--a team of eight people that relayed from the Rexburg Temple to the Idaho Falls temple. The shortest leg was 2.6 miles and the longest leg was 7.2 miles. My leg was 6.5 miles. It was invigorating and empowering...even though i ran against 20-25mph head winds!

#7 Finish a twin sized quilt

My fabric is all cut out and organized. Last week i sewed the first square.

#9: Read 100 Novels

Finished: "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card
Working on: "The Silmarillion" by JRR Tolkien
and "The Pipwick Papers" by Charles Dickens

#13: Read Bible from cover to cover and #16: Scripture studay nightly for 1 year

i haven't missed a night and i am almost through with Leviticus

#17: Do a yoga headstand

This was attempted. Much laughter ensued. Downstairs neighbor came rushing upstairs to make sure i was ok (she heard massive bangs, one after another on her ceiling). Someday...

30 before 30

i turned 28 on Monday. It was an incredible day. But that's a different story...

i've always been a fan of bucket lists. A way to dream and wish and imagine. Some things will get crossed off and some ideas are far-fetched. It's fun to believe that some day i will complete every thing on my bucket list.

This is not a bucket list. This is a "To-Do" list. As in, i MUST do these things. And there is a time limit; i have two years (less two days). They are in no particular order. i will post developments as i go.

30 BEFORE 30
1- Get completely out of debt
2- Visit one place on my bucket list in country
3- Visit one place on my bucket list out of country
4- Run a marathon
5- Forgive Jacob
6- Go fly fishing
7- Finish a twin sized quilt
8- Master making delicious sushi
9- Read and keep an accounting of 100 novels
10- Grow my hair to mermaid lengths
11- Take the GRE
12- Go skydiving
13- Read the Bible from cover to cover
14- Go vegetarian for a month
15- Transfer my entire music collection to digital format
16- Scripture study every night for an entire year
17- Do a yoga headstand
18- (Originally: Get down to 125 pounds) Accept myself no matter what my weight is
19- Become an ordinance worker
20- Print out a copy of my novel
21- Go scuba diving somewhere new
22- Master making a white sauce
23- Clean and organize every drawer, every cupboard and every box in my house
24- Snowshoe
25- Get rid of gossiping
26- Learn to do a loud two finger whistle
27- Read all 7 Harry Potter books again
28- Make an origami paper crane
29- See a great concert
30- Learn how to take a compliment

What would you have on your list?