When all this began, i was completely hung up on the fact that events were out of my control; i didn't want a divorce, i couldn't fix his problems, i couldn't save my marriage and i wasn't even given a chance to try. i had no choice in the matter and it made me feel angry and panicked and sick.
On my first day in NYC i was determined to leave it all behind me. i was by myself and ready to lose myself in the city. i was standing in the middle of Grand Central Station...the first landmark i stopped at in NYC...when i received an emotionally draining phone call. In fact, it left me standing there, on the phone bawling my eyes out (and also thinking, "This is unreal! Like a scene from a movie! Please tell me this stuff happens to other people!") This phone call gave me, for the first time i felt, some choice in what was happening in my life. And surprisingly, my initial reaction was "i don't want to make that decision!! Why do i have to choose?"
The rest of that day in NYC i spent by myself, wandering around, crying, smiling, forgetting everything, thinking of everything; i realized that i had been playing the victim card. i decided it wasn't what i wanted to do. Sure, i had been hurt. Sure, i had no control over many many things. But i realized i still had control of my own life and my own actions. Not only that, i DID want to be able to choose. And i have surprised myself with the tough choices that i have been able to make.
i am so grateful on this Thanksgiving Eve for my free agency. i am grateful that when things spin out of control, i am still free to choose what new path to take. i am grateful for the liberating freedom in looking out for myself and choosing to stay on a path i didn't originally choose, but that i hope will ultimately bring me peace.
3 comments:
You're amazing Jennifer! I hope you are liking your new place!
You are my hero, er, heroine. It would be so much easier to play the victim, but not only do you choose not to, you forge ahead and face what you need to. <3
Sometimes fate makes one choice easier than another, but it's always our choice to accept it or not. I'm glad you hit that eddy in Grand Central so that you could see you WERE paddling and steering your life, not just letting the current direct you. You have great strength, and because you have a habit of making righteous decisions, some of them will look like they are making themselves without you trying.
I love what you did with that photo series. Very nice.
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