You're not a mess....You are brave for trying

This is a slight brain dump. But I have had these thoughts ping ponging around me since the beginning of the year and it's time to spew them out, even if it is word vomit.

People ask me all the time how I'm doing. Sometimes it's a stranger/acquaintance in passing or to be polite. Sometimes it's a coworker or friend that does care, but doesn't really want to get into anything in depth. Once in a while it's a family member or old friend who really wants to know. When it's more than a passing "hey, how are you?" I have always struggled with knowing how to share or how much to share.

Because, really, I am fine...I think. And I am happy...mostly. And things are great...almost. 

When I came across this quote by Joan Bauer, I related to it way more than I wanted to:

"Almost. It's a big word for me. I feel it everywhere. Almost home. Almost happy. Almost changed. Almost, but not quite. Not yet. Soon, maybe. I'm hoping for that."

THIS IS TRUE FOR ME! How sad is that? It's horrible! I have an amazing husband, but I'm still "almost happy." We own an amazing town-home and I'm all moved in but I still feel like I'm "almost home." It's not my circumstances keeping me from being happy or feeling like I'm not home. 

It's ME. I want to be better or at least striving to be better. I want to be growing and improving. But I'm not. I'm "almost changed" into that better person I want to be, but not quite. And I haven't been trying to get there either!

I don't want to be almost...I want to be THERE! But apparently, I didn't want it bad enough for a long while-- because even though I have had thoughts about goals lurking in my brain, I haven't done anything about them. WHY??

Well, I think it's because I am afraid to fail. Because I feel like I'm just a mess. Part of me worries that I will attempt to change and attempt to improve and not attain my goal and then I will feel worse off. Like I'm still "almost" and this time it will just be because I'm "not enough."

It's time for action. No more letting fear hold me back. I came across two things that pushed me to move forward. This:

And This:

So I decided to step forward, to go after what I want, to CHANGE SOMETHING. I sat down and started writing down where I want to be and brainstorming the goals that will get me there. It's still in diagram form, but over the next few days, they will turn into S.M.A.R.T. goals--steps building me up to where and who I want to be.

I might feel like a mess along the way, but I'm not a mess. I'm brave for trying. 

Will I fail? Probably in many ways. And if that happens, I will get up and try again. Either way, I will be better off than I am right now. Enough with "almost." It's time to "Be."

Credit to my dear friend Laural for this one

In the bleak mid-winter

Today is the exact middle of winter--half way between the winter solstice and the spring equinox.

Winter is a harder season for me because of the following:
1- Since I work transportation, winter brings massive amount of people moving during the holidays. It's also when all of my employees want time off. So in the busiest time of the year, I am working with the least amount of support.
2- With the snow comes bad roads. With bad roads come delayed buses. Also stressful at work.
3- I can't run outside in the winter. Which puts me in circles on the track.
4- Mr B and I can't camp or hike mountains this time of year.
5- I don't get my fix of vitamin D.

My list of what's "killing me" right now could go on and on. This winter has been the hardest one I have lived through in a long time.

But I will instead take inspiration from my favorite blogger and focus on the list of what is saving me right now. These are the little things that keep me going through the cold days.

What is saving me right now:
1- My Erin Condren Lifeplanner. Maybe it shows the geekiness in me, but the bright happy colors, my name on the front, fun stickers and even a meal planner dashboard get me super excited. I take it with me wherever I go. I write everything down. I check things off. I actually remember birthdays. I love it.

2- Trying new recipes with Mr B. I love my "Our Best Bites" cookbooks and have used them for quite a few years. But, like most people, I go back to the recipes that I love over and over. Mr B and I decided to go through them and make a list of the ones we wanted to try. Every week we've been making a new-to-us meal together. It makes meal planning and prepping much more fun. Especially because we are doing it together. And the food is delicious.

3- Winterish Essential Oils. I have been diffusing pine, sandalwood, fir, cinnamon, grapefruit, clove, vanilla, peppermint, orange and all sorts of combinations of these scents throughout my house. It helps me appreciate those winter smells.

4- Books. Books always save me. I read constantly. But especially in the winter, curling up with a good books makes me feel better about not being outside. And lately Mr B has picked up a series (Harry Potter...again) that he can't put down. This had led to some lovely evenings curled up together with tea, cookies, blankets and books.

5- Cross Country Skiing. We have tried to go at least every other week. It gets us outside and moving. We can work up a sweat in negative 0 degree weather. It makes me appreciate the snow. It helps me soak in the little sun we have had. And we have seen some beautiful landscapes and fun animals on our adventures. We head out again on Saturday.

6- Deleting Instagram from my phone. I still have an instagram account...but when I have to access it from a computer, I am on it A LOT less. I already knew that social media was hard for me. That's why I don't have Facebook and was off of insta for over a year. I realized in the last 6 months of using it again that I was getting sucked down into comparison and time wasting. Not mindlessly checking it all the time helps.

7- Fresh Citrus. We have kept our fridge stocked with oranges and grapefruits while they are in season and on sale and tasting amazing. A grapefruit a day keeps the grouchiness away.

8- Cuddling. One of my two top "love languages" is touch (unusual for a girl, but true for me). We've discovered that I am much happier in the morning if before anything else, I get a little cuddle. So we set the alarm 10 mins before we have to get up and I get at least one blissful "snooze rotation" to curl up with Mr B before attacking the day.

9- "Do Not Disturb" on my phone. After the insanity that was my holiday season (in which I was working graveyard shifts and then taking calls all day long) I was completely burnt out with work. I had been on call 24/7 for 6 years and haven't had a Christmas in 9 years where I didn't have to deal with a work issue. After a conversation with my boss (that I honestly was going to result in me job searching) he actually agreed to pull me off call! Now, for the fist time in 6 years, I can ignore my phone. I find myself delighting in putting my phone on "Do Not Disturb" during movies, concerts, ski trips, date night, when I take a bubble bath, or when I go to bed.

10- My conure. I've always loved my bird. But lately I have found her to be so delightful. Maybe it's because Mr B has never lived with a bird before, so I'm watching him see all of her eccentricities and remember the joy of when I discovered them the first time.

My 2016 Letter: With a few updates and way more pictures

This year: I read 55 books. I took 8 business trips to St George. I ran my fourth, fifth and sixth marathons.

I started obsessively using essential oils. I spent massive amounts of time FaceTiming with my long distance family.

I did a meditation exercise for 38 days in a row before missing a day (it was a 40 day challenge and I decided not to restart it). I went to Canada for the first time.

I started using Instagram again. I became the Regional Manager for the customer service centers at work. I celebrated my bird's 8th hatch day.

I expanded my reservation center and subsequently moved into a new office. I saw fireflies for the first time. I applied for a new job and cried when it didn’t work out.  I went to an Ingrid Michaelson concert with my dad.

I ran through 8 miles of sand in the middle of a marathon.

I hired and trained 40 employees (more than double the amount I trained last year). I did work in the St George, Washington DC, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City and Rexburg temples. I ran over 1,000 miles.

I ate massive amounts of tacos. I saw a couple of my closest friends have babies. I ran a marathon 20 days before getting married (that may have been a mistake).

I didn’t slip on the ice once. I explored Mt Vernon in Virginia. I geeked out over the Summer Olympics. I attended my 9th Salt Lake Express Christmas party. I ran 1,256 laps on the indoor track--which is equivalent to around 220 miles (which is from Rexburg all the way to Salt Lake City!)

I competed in a trail relay race, in which I ran up a mountain in the Tetons.

I opened and staffed a new call center in St George.

The biggest thing this year? “I” became part of a “we.”

WE got married.

We got the worse case of food poisoning ever. We swam at Lava Hot Springs. We got called to be Gospel Doctrine teachers. We hiked along a portion of the Appalachian trail. We got handed medals from Storm Troopers at the end of one of our half marathons.

We voted. We traveled through 16 states. We ate two pounds of blueberries in two days that we picked ourselves in New Hampshire.

We counted glaciers through both Jasper and Banff National Parks in Canada. We made peach and apple fruit leather.
We hiked Angel’s landing in Zion National Park. 

We went to a Red Sox game at Fenway Park in Boston. 

We saw a great production of “Midsummer Night’s Dream” and “Peter and the Starcatchers.” We went covered bridge hunting in Amish country in Lancaster County, PA. We soaked in hot springs at the base of a waterfall. 

We dealt with car problems in the middle of nowhere Southern Utah. We went snowmobiling through Yellowstone National Park in the winter.

We made and canned pickles, pickled beets, chokecherry syrup, strawberry jam, peach jam, and chokecherry jelly.

We hiked around the turquoise waters of Lake Louise in Canada.

We bought maple syrup from a sugar house in Vermont. We hiked Table Mountain in the Tetons.

We did either a major hike or a race every Saturday for 7 weeks in a row in the summer. 

We cut down our own Christmas tree.

We ran a race through Monument Valley, Arizona in the middle of the Navajo Nation.

We didn’t dress up for Halloween. We read Shel Silverstein and A. A. Milne together. We canoed down Big Springs with our niece and nephew.

We explored the National Mall in Washington DC.

We went waterfall chasing in Yellowstone.

We watched the sunset on Cape Cod.

We did a two night, three day backpacking trip through Glacier National Park (in which we dealt with mud, snow, rain, wind, cold and the stomach flu and still made it over the mountain).

We got two flat tires. We ate Philly cheesesteaks in Philadelphia. We went cross country skiing.

Behind all of the adventuring, the backside is good too. It’s not as exciting and it’s not as scenic. Instead of stellar views, there are peaceful evenings reading. There are mountains of laundry and dishes in place of real peaks to scale. Instead of sore muscles, there are the bruises of combining the lives of two very stubborn and very different people. But the payoff of a happy home exceeds that of even the most gorgeous waterfall--even if it takes just as much or more effort to get there.

I consider us insanely blessed on so many levels. We are blessed to have good, steady jobs, we have a lovely home, we have good health and the chance to serve in our ward. Most of all, we are blessed in our relationship. I am blessed to have a strong, selfless, pure, gentle and good husband. Of all the stunningly beautiful sites throughout this past year, our favorite is seeing the start of our own little family of two.

“That’s the most beautiful thing in the world: when two people become fluent in choosing one another.” - Hannah Brencher

A Quarter of a Year

We just hit 3 months married.

 

I also just finished rereading "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy. These things are connected because of this amazing quote from the book that quite accurately describes where I am at:

"Levin had been married three months. He was happy, but not at all in the way he had expected to be. At every step he found his former dreams disappointed, and new, unexpected surprises of happiness. He was happy; but on entering upon family life he saw at every step that it was utterly different from what he had imagined. At every step he experienced what a man would experience who, after admiring the smooth, happy course of a little boat on a lake, should get himself into that little boat. He saw that it was not all sitting still, floating smoothly; that one had to think too, not for an instant to forget where one was floating; and that there was water under one, and that one must row; and that his unaccustomed hands would be sore; and that it was only to look at it that was easy; but that doing it, though very delightful, was very difficult."

Anger

Things that make me instantly irate:

*Over sexualized hamburger commercials.

*Someone tailgating me (especially when I'm not going under the speed limit).

*When customers are rude and entitled--and especially when they don't treat me like a human being.

*When I get my orange all peeled and it smells SO good, and then I bite into it and it's dry and unflavorful.

*When people name their children stupid, made up names or spell normal name retarded.

*When I get half way through dinner and realize that even with meal planning and grocery shopping, I forgot an essential ingredient.

*Hearing a song on the radio that I love and when I pull it up on Spotify to add to my playlist, I find out it has the "f" word in it (which was edited out on the radio).

*After saying "Hi, I'm Jennifer!" the person responds by automatically calling me "Jenn."

*Stubbing my toe.

*Waking up 20 mins before my alarm goes off.

Lyrics that speak to me

When I heard Hilary Weeks perform this song a couple of weeks ago, I had tears streaming down my face. I imagined myself when I was 19 and first met my ex and how I thought I knew where my life would go from there. I imagined myself when I was 27 and going through a divorce and how I thought I knew where my life would go from THERE. And then I looked around at where I was NOW....and I understood exactly what this song meant:

"I had it all mapped out in front of me, knew just where I wanted to go.
But life decided to change my plans and I found a mountain in the middle of my road.
I knew there was no way to move it, so I searched for a way around.
Broken-hearted I started climbing and at the top I found-- 

Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view:

Now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.
I used to pray He'd take it all away but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I never dreamed my heart would make it and I thought about turning around.
But Heaven has shown me miracles I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine because there's one thing that I know--He picks up the pieces along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view:

Now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.
I used to pray He'd take it all away but instead it became
A beautiful heartbreak"
(listen to the song here)

Splash of color

Saturday I finally moved my stuff into what was Mr B's kitchen and is now OUR kitchen. (Don't judge that it took me so long!)

A pattern soon became apparent as my stuff ended up next to his.

Guess which casserole dish is mine?

And which stack of towels?

Picking up on the pattern?

I know which plates that *I* would grab :)

Apparently, SOMEONE had to add some color to Mr B's plain white world.

I'm so glad that someone is me.