Uncertain

I've been baffled as to what to do with this blogging space of mine. During my morning runs, I write and rewrite posts in my head. Then, later, I either decide that I didn't have enough oxygen when composing, or I just don't take the time to actually type it.

Consequently, I get behind on the things that I want to share, which means I don't post about the things happening NOW because I really DO want to post about all the things that happened last week, and last month, and the month before that.

For example, I haven't shared about our adventures to Zion and hiking Angel's Landing:

Or when my nephew came to play with me:

I didn't share anything about our latest trip to Yellowstone:

Then there was the day my niece and I had matching hair:

And now I have a NEW niece and nephews with whom to go adventuring:

+

Even though we haven't hiked as much, we made it to the top of Table Mountain, up by the Tetons:

And even though we haven't raced as much, we did get handed medals by Storm Troopers at the end of our last half marathon:

Not to mention, I now have our ENTIRE honeymoon, loads of wedding pictures (and I never even shared all of my favorite engagement pictures!)

So where do I go from here? What do YOU want to see? Honeymoon? Wedding? Confessions of an adjusting new (and older) wife? What's going on with our new house? Links to my favorite finds around the web?

Mr. and Mrs. B.

I got married. It actually happened. 

Just like with almost all big changes, I still look around and think "Is this really happening? Is this my life?" Like when I was unpacking and moving into his our house, and I put our little ring dish on the bathroom counter and realized "I'm a Mrs! I'm married!"

"How's married life?" is the question we get asked many many times a day lately.

There are so many layers and so many emotions that I wasn't expecting. And while a huge part of me wants to share, I refrain because I am still processing and it's too raw and too disorganized...and too personal. 

(Another side of me wants to respond with something snarky like "There is a lot more nudity" or "Worst decision of my life" or "My marriage is just fine. How's yours?")

But what i will say in response to "How's married life?":

*I have a sweet husband (but I already knew I was marrying a sweet man)

* I love waking up to his face every morning

*I'm really excited to see where life goes with my Mr. B.

3 Days

i don't even know what to say. i am feeling all of the feelings. 

Am i scared?

Terrified.

But i am also so confident in my decision. This marriage is a choice. Loving Mr B is a choice. I choose to love him and he chooses to love me. We choose one another and choose to commit to our family.

Some one asked Mr B, "When did you know that Jennifer was the one?" He responded, "It's not a matter of knowing, it is a matter of choosing."

Our favorite quote, one that we believe deeply, is by Lynn G. Robbins:

"True love is not something you fall in, but grow in. It is not happenstance as much as something you control, choose and act upon."

We have spent the last one and a half years growing our roots. Now that they are established and ever deepening, we are ready to start this family and see our love grow into a something beautiful. We know that if we continue to choose and act, we will see the fruits, like love, joy, and peace.

Thus we move forward with faith in the face of fear. We try to be realistic wrapped up in hope and faith. And i am pleased to start this adventure with such a strong, pure, selfless, gentle, GOOD man.

i can't keep my fingers out of those curls

#5 in my 5th in under 5

i'm not bragging when i tell you how many miles i ran. It's just so you don't judge me when i devour a whole pizza.


On Saturday i ran my 5th marathon. i had bib #5. Aaaaand, it was my absolute hardest and slowest marathon. i thought that in order to keep up with my 5, 5, 5 thing, it would mean i would finish 5th. Hahaha. i did keep up with it...by barely squeaking by in under 5 hours.

i learned the hard way that it might not be the best idea to run a marathon 20 days before getting married. On top of all of the wedding/marriage/moving stress, it was one of the most stressful work weeks i've had in a very long time. Then, when adding the physical and emotional and mental stress of a marathon, a complete meltdown ensues.

i started off just fine! i was running the Teton Dam Marathon, commemorating the 40th anniversary of the Teton Dam breaking. When it broke, it flooded the towns of Teton, Newdale, Sugar City and Rexburg. So, us runners were "flooding" the streets of those same towns. We started up at the old Teton Dam site.

Before we started running, i stripped down to my tank and shorts....and i wasn't even a little bit chilly. i hadn't started running, wasn't in the sun and it was 6:15am. i knew right then that i was in trouble.

i ran the first 10 miles or so with an amazing gentleman from Australia (who also happened to be a "marathon man" and was therefore running in a super hero costume, complete with blue spandex and red cape). He took these shots of me as we ran and talked our way through the countryside.

By the time i parted ways with him, i could feel my face totally flushed already and realized that i had been chatting more than paying attention to hydrating. i knew that i needed to drink water at every subsequent aid station.

Once i hit mile 15, there was a four mile stretch with no water. i was all a mess from there. When i hit mile 21, i didn't think i was going to be able to finish. i had already been running for just under 4 hours with not enough water and in full sun in mid-70 degree weather with no breeze.

Like i said,  the physical, emotion and mental stress finally became unbearable. i fell apart. This is what it looked like:

1- Texting Mr B at mile 23 (TWENTY THREE! Just 3 miles to go!) begging for him to come get me because i couldn't finish.

2- When i finally did finish, curling up in a ball on the grass and sobbing because i finished much slower than last time and WAY slower than my fastest time. So that must mean that i'm fat and lazy and a snail could have beaten me.

3- Throwing a temper tantrum when Mr B wouldn't let me eat the ENTIRE extra large pizza (even though i had just burned over 3,000 calories!), but made me stop at half.

This is me pretending that i'm happy i ran all those miles:

This is me pretending that i'm not furious at Mr B that 

1- He made me finish

2- He got 3rd place in his age category in the half marathon when i felt like i failed

Once i got lots of water and some food in me, got out of my running shoes, took a bath and a short nap, i was feeling much more reasonable.

i realized that i was so glad for Mr B for helping to get me across the finish line. Sure, he didn't pick me up in his car like i wanted, but he was right there with me the last three miles, driving alongside, giving me water and telling me that he was proud of me. He told me it was ok if i had to walk. He supported me in all the best ways.

i also am super proud of him for placing! He ran hard and it was hot. His success doesn't make my race any more or less. 

i know that i'm not lazy or fat (although i was slow) and i know it was not a failure. As one of my running buddies said "Running a marathon is never ever failing. It is a huge accomplishment and it never ceases to be a huge feat, emotionally and physically." i just needed to redefine what success for me was. i can learn from this race and improve. Even if my TIME doesn't improve, my attitude sure could :) 

Lastly, i DID eat more pizza....but i am glad i waited a bit (because of Mr B) and let some of it settle. i probably would have made myself sick otherwise. 

And so i survived that dam marathon. Good riddance. 

Get Real

My amazing sister did our engagement shoot. Before she had all the pictures uploaded, she sent me a text with this teaser:

i automatically forwarded it to a ton of my friends. Of course, their responses were mostly the same.

Heart eye emojis
"I love it!"
"So beautiful!"
"So perfect for the two of you!"
"OMgoodness!"

And lots of exclamation marks.

This is exactly the response that i was looking and hoping for. Much validation that we looked amazing. Which means we are going to be just fine, right?

However, one of my friends and i had a little bit of a different conversation. It started the same--i sent her the picture, lots of exclamations of joy followed, etc. For some reason, i didn't just leave it at a "thanks!" response back. Maybe it is because i know she is going through a hard time and i didn't want to shove my "joy" in her face (hypothetically speaking). But i think the actual reason is that part of me was aching to just be real--to explain a little about what i was feeling.

So i responded: "What the picture doesn't show was Mr B whispering in my ear, 'I'm kind of freaking out.' And me saying, 'Me too. Just remember to breathe.' And him saying 'We can do this, right?' And me responding, 'I'm not sure but i hope so!'"

My friend texted back "I love the truth of all that! That's real life!"

In that moment it really hit me. How when you see a "perfect" picture, you have no idea what is really going on. i'm not saying that the emotions in my engagement shoot (or in anyone's happy pictures) are not genuine. In fact, i think the reason i love the photos so much is that they genuinely captured us. What i am saying is that there are so many layers, complexities and situations that are not visible at a quick glance--or without being told.

Sometimes we tell the stories behind the pictures. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we feel like we need the validation more than we need the connection of understanding. But real validation comes from real connection which stems from vulnerability.

Some people have earned the right to our vulnerability and some haven't.

i suppose that is why i struggle with social media mediums--it feels like it's either very shallow, or the dirty laundry is hanging out on the line for everyone to see. There are a very few people, i feel, that have found a healthy balance in being real without floodlighting their followers.

Here is me trying to find that balance. Let me get real. i love Mr B. i am excited to marry him. i thank God every night that my life moved in unexpected ways so that i could have the chance to be his wife.

i'm scared. i'm afraid that i will be hurt again. i sometimes have minor meltdowns which end in me bawling on the floor because i'm scared Mr B will leave me--all the while he is standing there watching with wide eyes saying, "I'm right here. And I'm going to be here tomorrow." i'm afraid that i will love and give my all and that it won't be enough.

And yet...i'm plunging in because this is what life is all about. We have agreed to take it one day at a time--even one moment at a time when necessary.

"TRUST the wait. EMBRACE the uncertainty. ENJOY the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, ANYTHING is possible."

Dear Weekend,

i like you.


Love,

me

Hiking begins

A couple of weekends ago, Mr B and i ventured into Grand Teton National Park for the first time this year. Many of the roads were still closed due to snow, but we decided to do one quick 3 mile hike to Taggart Lake, which neither of us had ever visited before.

The hike started out just fine with the trail a little muddy, and some patches of snow off on the sides, but the signs of Spring all around us.

Within .5 miles, we were walking on quite a bit of snow. By the time we were a mile in, we were precariously walking across deep packed snow. If we stepped wrong, we ended up in snow up past our knees. i dissolved into giggles when Mr B had to pull me out of a snow bank.

Neither of us were expecting to find the lake still almost completely frozen over.

 The solitude and quiet was stunning.

On the way back, the clouds cleared out enough for us to get a great view of the Tetons. 

Here's to the first hike of the season with many many more miles to come.