Resolutioners

New Year's Day is a fun holiday--an excuse to stay up late and play, a day to look forward to after the post-Christmas slump, a great chance to get new calendars, a perfect time to reminisce and a great opportunity to look towards exciting things coming up in the year.

But then there are the resolutions...which i despise. As you can see on my past "New Year's posts" (here, here and here) i'm not one for setting a long list of resolutions. i'm certainly not opposed to setting goals and making lists of them (my 30 in 30 which i'm still working on!) But there is something specifically about New Year's resolutions that irks me. Perhaps it is the connotation surrounding them of never following through and setting the same goals year after year. And that feeling of "Dammit! i just swore. i guess i will have to wait until next year to remake the resolution "Thou shalt not swear.'"

What i hate the most about resolutions are the "resolutioners." These are the people who clog up the indoor track all day long for the first three weeks of January. They are resolved to "lose that weight...even if it means sacrificing sleep!" Blah blah blah.

i just want to tell them all to give up and go home now because they won't make it anyway and will give up themselves not too long from now. All they are doing is making it hard for those of us to whom running ISN'T a resolution but a way of life. i have had to dodge them all 26 miles that i have run on the track since January 1st.

Hurrah for yesterday and a stint of warmer (36 degree!!) weather that enabled me to get in my miles outside with no resolutioners in the way. And i had the most gorgeous end to my run.

no filter needed

"Keep your head up and your heart open" -Melody Beattie

i just finished "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brene Brown. i was floored by this book; it was incredible.

A brief blurb on her book from Amazon: "Brené Brown, a leading expert on shame, authenticity, and belonging, shares ten guideposts on the power of Wholehearted living—a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness."

Brene talks of the power of connection and how in order to connect, we need to be vulnerable and not hide behind shame. So i am going to be vulnerable today and talk about my fear of vulnerability...

i am working on processing my ability and willingness to be vulnerable. Last week was choked full of anxiety--i fought it fiercely. In looking back, much of it came because i was struggling with being vulnerable. Part of me still believes that if i am vulnerable then i am not strong or independent. If i am vulnerable then i have to open the door to being hurt or feeling pain. When i feel pain, i feel weak.

And when i am vulnerable and someone hurts me, my self worth becomes shaky. Shame comes in and says "You aren't worthy of Love! You aren't good enough!" So my default is to throw up a thick wall in order to avoid the hurt. The problem is that when the wall is there, there can be no connection either.

Saturday night, after an incredibly hard work day, i opened up, was brave enough to be vulnerable and i was shot down. In the aftermath of the pain and craziness of the day, i took some time for me and "stillness."

i sat on my living room floor with all the lights off except for my Christmas tree. Some quiet music was playing. i was in leggings and a sweatshirt with no makeup and my wet hair pulled up in a top knot. My Belle bird was cuddled against my neck for comfort.

i just started crying.

As i looked at the lights through my tears, i had the overwhelming feeling that my Heavenly Father thought i was beautiful. In fact, that i had never been more beautiful in my life as i was in that moment after opening my heart...even if it meant that i had been hurt. And that the light within me was shining so bright, it outshone my tree.

i received a confirmation that i was loved and worthy of it...that it was ok for me to be vulnerable and ok for me to hurt and cry. The tears did not make me weak. On the contrary, it took much more strength to do what i had done than to avoid the pain completely.

"Yes, i am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that i am also brave and worthy of love and belonging." -Brene Brown

Looking back at my year

In 2014:

i read 45 novels. i got a nickname from my niece. i watched my little sister get married. i fell in love. i fell out of love. i flipped a snowmobile over...twice. i ran through Logan canyon, Ogden canyon, Provo canyon, Red Rock canyon (NV), and Big Cottonwood canyon. i didn't miss a single night of scripture reading. i remembered how much more i love sunrises than sunsets. i learned how to set and keep boundaries. i ate more HBCs at Zupas than i can count. i found three new running buddies. i discovered the 12-step program. i killed four hobo spiders in my house. i slipped on the ice twice. i had my best roommate ever. i went to three great concerts. i hiked through Moab, Utah.

i gained a social life and a group of new and amazing friends. i sent out Christmas cards for the first time ever. i lost three toenails. i redefined my relationship with God. i finished decorating my office. i removed instagram from my life. i learned how to make beautiful snowflakes. i completely restaffed my reservation center. i developed a strong relationship with my little brother. i talked my dad into going to Jordan and Israel with me. i religiously watched every episode of "So You Think You Can Dance." i wore out three pairs of running shoes. i finished an embroidery project i started last year.

i developed a love for houseplants. i became reliant upon a sponsor. i competed in 11 races. i got addicted to Spotify. i started dating healthy men. i experienced trail running for the first time. i watched a pro baseball game in Arlington. i became obsessed with "Lake Street Dive." i bowled my best game ever.  i attended the funerals of both of my grandmothers. i journaled religiously. i had two life changing experiences. i ran more than 1,000 miles. i wandered through Yellowstone National Park. i found a photo of my paternal grandfather when he was a kid. i went to zoos in two different states.

i spoke at a recovery conference for those affected by sex addition or betrayal trauma. i wrote 31 blog posts. i didn't cut my hair once. i burned all my letters from "he who must not be named." i got caught on the security camera at work falling flat on my face. i celebrated when the cheesy bean and rice burrito ended back on the Taco Bell menu.  i decorated two Christmas trees. i had two Russian teenagers live at my house for a week. i ran through the vineyards in California. i made my dad proud. i grew to appreciate what i see when i look in the mirror.

i had a good year.

And i have this feeling that 2015 will be even better.

To my someone

Dear Someone,

i miss you today. Not in the sad i-wish-i-had-a-shoulder-to-cry-on sort of way. Rather, it's in the i-have-had-a-great-day-and-want-to-share-this-feeling-with-my-someone kind of way. It's when i want to show you my new manicure, and tell you about the baby bird that i'm babysitting, and watch the snow fall with you, and feel this serenity together.

Yesterday i was watching a movie with a girlfriend and, at the very end, the protagonist looks at his wife with all the love showing in his face. It was all i could do not to rewind and watch that 5 seconds over and over.

i know (oh so clearly) that life is not like a move with perfect endings, love at first sight and grand romantic gestures overcoming all the problems in a relationship. i've said many times that i don't believe in fairy tales or "romantic comedies."

But i do believe in true love.

And some day i want to look across the room and see that same look in your eyes and on your face. A look of deep and lasting love. A look that will only come from you when you see me as i really am. My deep beauty, not the surface stuff. A look that means you love everything you see.

i can't wait to see it,

jennifer

Thankfulness

i got to spend a week in Las Vegas with my family over Thanksgiving. i enjoyed the incredible weather which provided me with some gorgeous runs (including my first 20 miler!). But mostly it was about the family.

Here is what i did:

*Lots of hide and seek with Jane

Always hiding with "grandpapa"

* Spent time outside (walks, parks, baseball, running)

Spinning with Mom

Pushing Jane. She yells "Higher! Higher!"

 

Yes, this is how i catch a baseball

Jane would stop, get lined up and say "Ready, Set, Go!"

* Made and ate a lot of food

i was in charge of the veggie tray

Baking with Jane and Erika

She did an excellent job stirring

*Put up lights both inside and outside

Working with Dad to get things just right

Lighting the palms with Ian

Finished product

*Tried as hard as i could to get enough snuggles and tickles and kisses and hugs from my niece to make it all the way until Christmas.

::squish::

i hope your holiday season is full of many happy moments.

Captain's Log, We Run This City, (RagLV-2014)

Ragnar Las Vegas. My third of the year. The last race of the season.

Van 1 at the start line

You know the story at this point: 200ish miles, 12 friends, 2 vans, 3 legs for each runner.

i was the captain of our team "We Run This City." i had run a Ragnar with almost every person in my van already this year. This might have been one of the best teams that i have had. My abs hurt from laughing almost as much as my legs ached from running.

These are my people...crazy like me.

We started up at Mt Charleston ski resort and then ran down off the mountain and along I95 into Las Vegas. The route had the team loop all around Vegas, up to Blue Diamond and then out to Henderson and back over to the southwest of the city, ending only minutes from my parent's house.

Brice meant business!

One of the things that made this team amazing was how supportive the runners were of each other. There was much cheering and encouraging and water-giving and tunnel-making.

Supporting Anna through some nasty desert

My first leg was nasty. Really nasty. It was hot and sunny with no clouds and no shade. i was running along I95. Yes. Right along the highway. That was strange for me. There was a lane closed down for runners but my van couldn't stop and support me because of the route. So i was carrying my own water. The sun blasted off of the pavement and there was a 9.5 mile, straight, ugly shot in front of me. i was getting over a cold and my lungs rejected the fact that i was asking them to work extra hard. It was pretty slow going for me and i was ECSTATIC to see my team waiting for me at the end.

The best part about running in Vegas? Sleeping in a house between legs! After we all finished our first leg, we went back to the 'rents to regroup, nap, eat and get ready for our night runs.

My Dad came to see us off!

i have never in my life had a run like my second leg. i was a little worried since i had been coughing like nobody's business since i finished my first run. But my Dad was there and my team was encouraging so i put on my tough face and got ready to go.

My run started with a lovely downhill. As i bolted along, my dad, on his way home, drive up alongside me and threw me a few words of encouragement. Before i knew it, the first mile was over and my running app told me that i finished it in 8:30. Fast for me. The road flattened out and my core temperature rose enough that i started stripping layers...without stopping. And i started passing people. Mile two hit and i finished in 8:25. i told myself i had to slow down or i would be trashed before the end of the leg. After briefly stopping to pee behind a bush, i took off again.

The moon was out and almost full. i was outside of the city, running through the desert with the moon and my headlamp to light the way. The music was blasting in my ears. My heart was beating with the pace of my feet. i was FLYING. i couldn't slow down. i was passing runners like crazy. 5, 10, 15 people. i flew past the water station. Miles passed and even with my potty break i kept it right at 8:30 mins/mile. In the distance, the lights of the city came into view.

Coming to the end of my 5.5 miles, i didn't want to stop!! i was on the highest of runner's highs. i was exhilarated and bouncing with energy. i had never run so fast for so long before. My own personal record.

high on running flying

After our round of night legs, we once again hit the house for rest. When i woke up the team to leave for our last leg, there was much grumbling. But by the time we got to the exchange and got our runner ready to go, we were back on track and ready to run!

Van 2 coming in to pass off to Van 1

We decided that we were going to "go thoroughbred" on our last legs!

My last run was an interesting one. i was walking pretty stiff because of pushing myself so hard during leg 2 and i was tired from not sleeping because of coughing. But once i got started, i just kept plugging along. My training kicked in and i settled into my long distance pace, even though i wasn't covering nearly the miles that i normally do on a "long run." It was my longest leg at 10.2 miles but it wasn't as hard as my first leg. It was cooler and at least i was zigzagging through some trails and different city streets.

Such a happy sign

Not only that, but my van was there to support me (they were a lovely sight every two miles) and even my dad showed up to leapfrog support and cheer me into my personal finish line.

25 miles, baby!!

i was so proud of my team and the runners that pushed themselves as hard as they possibly could!

The whole team

One of the fun parts about this race was that EVERYONE in my van got a double medal (one for running Las Vegas Ragnar and one for doing two Ragnars in the same year).

BLING BLING

 But since i did THREE this year, i got three! 

Woot!

The best part of Ragnar? Having an amazing team.

WHAT i LEARNED FROM THREE RAGNARS

My body will try to turn on me, but my mind is much stronger.

Sometimes the most encouraging thing is a kind "you got this!"

Having other people rely on me isn't as scary as it used to be.

i really am a runner.

Tough

I can do hard things.

Nothing motivates me more than wanting to make my father proud.

AND

Chasing tail lights in the distance is the best way to spend a sleepless night.

With Jane

Moments captured at my little sister's wedding.