How my run is just like my recovery journey

Last Friday i worked a ten or more hour day. Even after i arrived home, i had to sign on and work some more. Because of work i didn't get to bed until 11:30. i  had to resolve some major issues in the middle of the night and i was up before 5am.

i was anxious, wound up and everything before i even started my half marathon. i had missed packet pick up the night before (because of work) so i felt flustered and unprepared. i hadn't been running as much (barely at all) because of my foot issues. i even told my guy the morning of the race that i wish i felt better about running that day.

We started at 7:30am. It was cold and windy.. i realized right as the race started that i was alone. i looked at my guy waving me on from the side. My coach wasn't with me. The friends i like to run with weren't with me. It was just me and the pavement.

No one was depending on me to finish or push me. There was no one there judging the pace i set. i could walk or stop and not feel bad. This was about me.

About 2.5 miles in, i was looking ahead and all along this gorgeous country road as far as i could see there was a line of neon colored people. They were all there, like me, pushing themselves to do something hard--fighting the same battle as me, just them and the pavement.

It was beautiful and inspiring. i was alone...but i was NOT alone. We were in this together.

Around mile 4, my foot began to hurt. By mile 7 it was completely numb. But i just ran and ran. i ran through the pain. And it hurt, but it was worth it. By the time i hit mile 9, i forgot about it. i'm sure the pain was still there, but it didn't matter anymore. i had the strength to endure it.

There was a really long slow climb for about 4.5 miles with little reprieve. We were running into a 10mph head wind. It was tough. i didn't walk at all. Not for the whole 13.1 miles. i didn't have to pause to retie my shoe a few times, but i just kept running.

When i hit mile 12, i picked up the pace. The last .5 miles were hell. i had absolutely nothing left to give. At the home stretch, i could barely move...so i sprinted.

i saw Ian standing with a camera...doing a two finger whistle and grinning. i couldn't help but start grinning and laughing back. As soon as i crossed the finish line, my guy was standing there with my medallion.

i was exhausted, chaffed, overwhelmed, sore and so so so proud.

In fact, i ran my guts out. i have never gone that far without walking or stopping for a bathroom. And i beat my last time by over 6 minutes.

After the race my body went into shock because i pushed myself so very hard. i might have felt pretty crappy physically, but otherwise i felt amazing.

i gave it everything i had. There wasn't one moment where i could have gone faster or harder than i did.

Goal Update

Maybe you think i have forgotten about my 30 before 30?

Not even close!

Here is what i have been up to:

#1- Get Completely Out of Debt: i have been adhering to a tight budget still and have not put anything on a credit card in almost a year!

#4- Run a Marathon: Running is pretty much a constant in my life now. Lately i have had some foot issues that are very disconcerting and have slowed my progress down immensely. i would hit about 4 miles into my runs and get a sharp shooting pain on the top of my right foot. Then my toes would go completely numb.

After trying to get help from a doctor (FAIL!) i finally self diagnosed and believe that i am struggling with extensor tendonitis. From what i can tell, the best thing to do was to purchase new shoes and rotate the shoes in which i run. Unfortunately, shoes are expensive, so their purchase didn't help much with goal #1, but such is life.

i will be running the Teton Dam half marathon next Saturday (wish two halves equaled a whole!) and then Ragnar at the end of June. Hopefully in August i will be running another half as well. Yay for summer races!

#7- Finish a Twin Sized Quilt: While i took a break temporarily from running, i pulled out the sewing machine. My quilt will be nine rows of nine squares...over the last two weeks, i sewed enough blocks for a row.

#9- Read and Keep an Accounting of 100 Novels: i am done with 25 books and half way through my 26th and 27th.

#10- Grow my Hair to Mermaid Lengths: It's getting pretty long over here!

Running outside also makes my freckles more pronounced :)

#13- Read the Bible from Cover to Cover: i will finish up 2 Chronicles this week.

#16- Scripture Study Every Night for a Year: The only night i have missed since i announced my goals was Thanksgiving.

#23- Clean and Organize Everything in my House: This week i have done my guest closet and my bedroom closet. Here we go....i LOVE organizing :)

#24- Snowshoe: DONE!!

Out and about at Island Park

Some pretty hi-tech snow shoes

#29- See a Great Concert: This is a summer of concerts for me...i have tickets for one in June, July and August.

Moab

Last weekend i went on an adventure. My guy took me to Moab with his family.

i was terrified to go. i did not have good in-law experiences in my past. But even before we left, his family had already been so kind--planning the vacation around my work schedule, emailing me information, texting me and asking for my opinions, etc.

Going was the best decision. i felt included, loved, not judged, accepted and appreciated. i felt like they WANTED me there and liked the idea of me being a part of their family. It was natural.

And i absolutely adored Moab.

i couldn't get enough of the red rocks. All of the plants were green and many of them were flowering, even the cacti. The arches and rock formations took my breath away. My camera was constantly clicking because i wanted to take it all home with me. Enjoy the picture dump!

On the top of a fin

Rafting the Colorado River

i like his face ::handsome::

Drying off after the rapids

In front of delicate arch

Look at us out there in Delicate Arch

Landscape Arch

Perfectly framed

Hiking through the Fiery Furnace

i'm in double arch

That's me! Run, jennifer, run!

Morning run around Moab to Arches

Me at the bottom of Double O Arch

My guy in the middle of Double O Arch

Both of us at the top of Double O

Such gorgeous views

Soaking in the sun. These colors are for real.

Transparency

Remember in this article when i talked about transparency? Transparency and emotional honesty are not as easy as they sound. Of course, how simple is it to say, "i want you to be perfectly honest with me about how you feel, what you think, your bad habits, your past, everything." Then the truth comes and all the sudden i am left having to process all the information for which i asked.

It can be overwhelming; it is hard to hear the honesty of someone else. Part of my recovery is learning how to process the honesty of others, along with the emotions that it invokes in me, in a healthy manner.

 i have discovered how hard it is to be emotionally honest with others. Even though i want to talk about the hard stuff, it makes me very vulnerable. People do judge--or i feel like they are judging. All the sudden my emotions are right out there, to potentially be trampled on, contradicted or dismissed. Not hiding behind a facade is terrifying. Have you ever tried just being REAL? i didn't realize how much i either dramatized or minimized my life until working hard on emotional honesty. My ability to trust others was greatly damaged in the last 2.5 years and letting myself be transparent takes work and effort. Maya Angelou's words resonate with me, "“Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you.”

However, the most surprising thing has been to discover the difficulty of being honest with MYSELF. As Alan Moore wrote, "You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it." My sponsor has had me work on several inventories about my strengths and weaknesses, my fears and the shame messages that i tell myself. Brutal. It has been one of the hardest things to admit to myself my imperfections and yet even harder to admit to myself my worth.

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
  -Barbara De Angelis

Carnage and Barbie Bandaids

A few weeks ago i bought a package of Barbie Band-aids. Happiness! Little did i know the trauma that i would go through because of my impractical purchase.

i thought i was still an adult even with these band-aids

Two days ago, i almost sliced my finger off washing a knife. It was a bad cut. My father had given me some very expensive (and very sharp) knives for Christmas. The cleaver slid right through my index finger with no problem at all. i didn't even realize i was cut until my sink started filling with blood.

i bled all over my kitchen. 

And then i passed out.

Then i panicked because all i had were the damn Barbie Band-aids.

Luckily, after about five minutes, i got a hold of myself enough to run to my darling downstairs neighbor. She saved my life. Or at least my finger.

Grown-up bandages

It probably would have been better to just have headed down to her in the first place instead of running in circles dripping blood and hyperventilating.

Sweet Mercy.

Barbie had me fooled! All this time i thought she was a nurse and really she was just dressing up as one.


....i hope this doesn't mean that i have to get rid of my Minion band-aids and the My Little Pony band-aids too.

"Bottom" teehee hee hee

 

(Shout out to Laural for the title)

Blessings

Amazing things are happening in my life.

Horribly difficult.

Extremely painful.

Time consuming.

Emotionally exhausting.

Amazing.

It started with going to Camp Scabs. Along with eleven other ladies (including our host, Jane) i disappeared from the world to a cabin in Island Park for a couple of days.

And it was lovely

We were all spouses/ex spouses of sex addicts. We left the craziness that our lives have become to enter a place of honesty, openness, safety and healing. There was no judgment. There was much tears, laughter, understanding and bonding.

Blessed to have these women in my life

These are now my sisters. I have yet to go more than two days without being in contact with one of them. How did i not realize beforehand how much i need them in my life?

But what really happened at camp was telling my story. i had told it before (on this blog even) but for the first time in front of people that i didn't know at all but who i knew would understand me in a deeper way than anyone else had before. And what came out of my mouth shocked me. Pain. Anguish. Wounds. Tears. Things that i thought were gone and healed. Things that i didn't even realized had hurt me in the first place.  Parts of my story that had never been uttered to anyone else. Not even in my journals. Not even to myself.

As i sat, surrounded by these amazing women, i realized that i was in need of help. Going to therapy certainly had been helping me. Reading my scriptures was good for my spirit. But it wasn't enough. i needed the balm that these women provided--a support system.

And so i decided to take a new step. It was scary, but necessary.

i went to my first S-Anon meeting. Not only that, but i asked for a sponsor.

Having a sponsor is pushing me to grow in ways i never realized that i could. i am finding myself engrossed in study and prayer and meditation and writing. i read and highlight and underline and reread and then start all over again. The resources that i have been given by my sponsor are inspired.

Personal Study at Island Park

i am reaching out and reaching upward and reaching inward. The honesty and humility that are necessary for true healing HURT. It is going to be a long road (there will be many more posts about recovery, i am sure) but i am ENCOURAGED.

Camp Swag (buy your own here)

i will make it. So will my sisters. See, we are a strong bunch. We have to BE BRAVE! And we do have fire in our spirits.

At the Top of the World with my sisters

Reading vs Running

i have always been a reader but it is only in the last six months that i have felt confident enough to call myself a runner.

Before i started running, i was easily consuming at least 5-6 novels a month. i lost myself in Dickens, Austen, Hardy and Tolkien. When i started running, an interesting thing happened...my reading fell by the wayside. Never before had i gone so long, reading so little.

Looking back, i realize why i stopped reading. i am pushing myself so hard physically that when i finally sit down, i am so worn out. i would open my novels and get nowhere. But the real problem was that i still expected to gobble up Tolstoy, Steinbeck and Darwin. It was heavy stuff! Not only that, but i felt guilty abandoning it once i had started. i couldn't bring myself to move on to something else. On top of everything, my personal scripture study has been to read through the Old Testament (not exactly the easiest of studies).

Then i found Daniel Pennac's "Reader's Bill of Rights":

1. The right to not read

2. The right to skip pages

3. The right to not finish

4. The right to reread

5. The right to read anything

6. The right to escapism

7. The right to read anywhere

8. The right to browse

9. The right to read out loud

10. The right to not defend your tastes

That was enough for me! i decided i didn't have to feel bad about reading light and easy. i abandoned "The Silmarillion," "The Pipwick Papers," and "Jesus the Christ." i went to the library and stocked up on YA lit and paperback adult fantasy. And i have CONSUMED them--and i'm not even embarrassed to admit it. Although i do feel a little less guilty since i have discovered that i do run better and faster blasting a book in my ears instead of music, even if the book is not a page turner (now playing "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac).

i'm sure that someday i will delve back into my classics. After all, i do love them immensely. But for now, i will get lost in the Dresden Files.