Talking about the hard stuff

So much of what is now a major part of my life is usually surrounded by guilt in society. The topics are not part of "appropriate conversation" and are discussed in hushed tones and behind closed doors, if at all. If i bring them up, i am usually met with sympathetic eyes or i feel the person automatically recoil, as if they will be contaminated by the topic or even by me.

These words are taboo:

DIVORCE
THERAPY
PORN ADDICTION
ANTI-DEPRESSANTS

The stigma is there and i wish that it wasn't. i wish that i could say "my husband was addicted to masturbation" or "my marriage fell apart because of pornography" or "i go to therapy and take anti-depressants" or "i am divorced" without feeling judged or that i just created an awkward situation.

i was told once that i should be careful about talking about how destructive pornography and masturbation are (and were in my marriage) because "you might offend someone! What if they have an addiction or a spouse who struggles?"

EXACTLY!!!

Addiction thrives on secrecy. Fear, depression, shame and worthlessness thrive there too. If people were more open with these topics and those issues in their own lives, perhaps less women would feel alone. More men would see the consequences of their actions. People wouldn't be as afraid to speak of it with one another. Judgments wouldn't be so harsh. There would be support and understanding and love.

And maybe, girls wouldn't be as naive going into a marriage. And maybe couples would have the "hard conversations" that are needed so desperately before commitment.

Once, about a year ago, i said that i wanted someone who would say from the very beginning "Here I am. This is me. It's all out here on the table."

My guy has been like that. We have never skirted around any discussions. Perhaps some would say that is a little intense. Just a couple dates in and words like depression, divorce and addictions were the theme of quite a few conversations. But thank heavens! i am grateful that we can talk and create that openness and honesty in our relationship.

Neither of us are looking for perfection in the other, although we are both striving for it in ourselves. And we don't have a perfect relationship either. Relationships are hard anyway and ours is just beginning. But we have a pretty good start.

i know his weaknesses. He has told me about his past. He has shared his feelings about divorce and anti-depressants. i know exactly where he stands in regards to pornography, masturbation and cheating.

He knows about my baggage. i have told him about my fear, my insecurities, and my control issues. He knows exactly where i stand in regards to pornography, masturbation and cheating.

Do i compare him with my ex? Most certainly. As i should. And, man, is there a night and day difference. i see it most in the transparency, in the honesty and in the communication.

His own words capture what i have felt from the beginning with him: "I am not your ex husband and I won't make the decisions that he did."

i hope that in the future, more people will be open to talking about the hard stuff. But for now, i am grateful to have my guy who doesn't skirt around anything.

Besides, he is  cute!

Side note: i'm also grateful for how he encourages my self development. After running the first four miles of a twelve miler with me, he went to go lift while i finished my run. Before he slid off the track, he gave me a "good game" swat and said, "You got this!" He somehow managed to support me and boost my confidence in myself--that i could do just fine, and maybe even better, when he wasn't there next to me.

Time for Happiness

This weekend i found myself pausing often to revel in the moment. Maybe i was feeling extra joyful deep within and therefore noticed the happy things around me. i think the things around me just made me even happier. It helped that i had my little brother, Ian, and my guy visiting for the weekend. Here were my "mini-highs" from the last few days.

* Cookie dough ice cream.

* Getting home from on work on Saturday to find that my guy had cleaned my apartment for me.

*Surviving cold weather.

-15 is bad enough but with that windchill! Brrr!

*Having Ian say "Your bedroom is super girly!" Exactly what i was going for!

*Shaving with a new razor blade.

*The boys cooked and cleaned up dinner.

...and it was delicious

*Sitting in church between the two guys.

*Listening to music that i love but haven't heard in ages.

*Sunday afternoon the sun was pouring through the sliding door. Ian was sprawled on the floor playing soft music on his computer and mumbling Russian under his breath as he worked on a homework assignment. The guy was curled up asleep on the couch with the birds jumping all over him and singing. i sat with a book in my lap but didn't even open it and begin reading because i just wanted to soak in the peaceful moment.

Sleeping through the whistles

*i convinced one of my employees to begin running so that she can be on my Ragnar team! She ran the first three of my 12 miler with me.

*Cosmic Bowling and mass goofiness.

Funky cosmic bowling lighting

*Finishing a novel that was all page turning nonsense.

*Happy Snaps.

PS: i like him too!

Betrayal Trauma

i suffer from betrayal trauma. The symptoms are similar to PTSD.

Betrayal traumas may not threaten death or physical injury, but can be damaging to well-being, relationships, self-concept, and beliefs about others and the world. Such traumas represent a mismatch between what “should be” (e.g., people do not intentionally harm one another) and what is (you have been harmed by another person; DePRince & Freyd, 2002). Freyd and colleagues have suggested that the most complete definition of trauma includes events evoking intense fear, social betrayal, or a combination of both. Both fear and betrayal can be described either as continuous or categorical dimensions of trauma. A trauma can be said to either involve betrayal or not, but can also involve varying degrees of betrayal. The degree to which an event is traumatic may relate to the degree of fear and/or betrayal involved.

(From study by Jennifer J. Freyd for the Journal of Trauma and Dissociation)

If you look at a list of PTSD symptoms, i have experienced most of those. However, almost anyone that has gone through trauma experiences these symptoms. The difference, according to my therapist, is that my symptoms are not decreasing. It's not that i feel helpless or hopeless all the time. But i am still experiencing major "triggering."

Sometimes symptoms appear seemingly out of the blue. At other times, they are triggered by something that reminds me of the original traumatic event, such as a noise, an image, certain words, or a smell. When i trigger, i experience flashbacks, as if the event is happening again. It's not just the emotional distress either; there are literal intense physical reactions like a pounding heart, nausea, muscle tension, sweating and shaking. For example, the smell of egg rolls will leave me curled on the floor in a tiny ball in physical pain as if i had been punched in the gut.

Triggering had gotten less and less often. i was feeling pretty confident in my recovery.

Then i started dating seriously. i got a guy friend. And i realized that the trauma was deeper than i had thought. i triggered more often. i was in situations that i hadn't experienced since my divorce.

Thus i discovered the complications of dating post divorce, and even more so, after having been married to an addict.

The guy is up late doing homework (ON THE COMPUTER!) and panic mode sets in. All of the emotions from my ex telling me that he looked at porn instead of writing a paper resurface. AS IF IT IS HAPPENING TO ME ALL OVER AGAIN! Que complete emotional breakdown complete with vomiting, checking my phone every few minutes to see if he has texted me, shaking until i ache and all the guilt of feeling like a broken and controlling freak.

Luckily, i have an amazing therapist. He is going to be working through the trauma using IRRT therapy. The idea is to help disconnect situations from the emotional trauma. In other words, help to reduce the triggering.

Luckily, i also have an amazing guy-friend. We talk. A lot. About everything. And then talk about it again. And again. The guy told me that he wanted to have a transparent relationship.

Transparency.

It is both vulnerable and empowering at the same time.

Mostly, it is comforting to have someone who isn't perfect. Because i'm not perfect. i let him see my imperfections, my panics and my triggering. So far, he is ok with them. It goes both ways.

...i'm back!

Not that i went anywhere. Just away from blogging. Completely. i didn't even read any blogs until last week. It was refreshing. In fact, i almost decided to close down my blog and bail. After all, i almost never regret the lack of Facebook in my life. But then i remembered why i still blog. i love the writing part of it. Even if it is just posting silly nothings or listing things, i enjoy it.

And so i return.

It seems a fitting time, too, with the beginning of a year. This is where i was last year.

2013 brought the following things for me:

*My name is no longer Jennifer Olson. i am now, officially and legally, JENNIFER WADSWORTH ::grin::

*i attended the temple once a week for 52 weeks. Every week the entire year of 2013. This has brought me a grounding and a peace beyond measure.

*Writing out my story was one of the most cathartic things i did all year. It enabled me to remember the good times, cry over the bad times, and review the divorce and why i made the decisions that i did. It solidified in my mind that i did all i could, made good choices and am on the path i should be on. It helped me to move on.

*i am a runner. There is a phrase in a song which says "It took a while for her to figure out she could run...but when she did, she was long gone." Applicable on many levels to me! i started running for many emotional reasons. i keep running because i love it and because i am good at it. i run almost 30 miles a week now with "short runs" being 5 miles and long runs at 11 miles. i don't have to run away from my past any more, nor am i trying to run to the future. As i stride out the miles, i enjoy the present: the burn in my legs, the pound of my heart, my steady breath and the knowledge that i do hard things every single day.

*Closure. Hurrah for absolute and utter closure. i still struggle with trust issues and triggering, but i feel like the chapter of my life with my first marriage is completely closed. In September when iOS7 came out from Apple, i rejoiced at the ability to block texts and calls from specific numbers on my iPhone. It has been a relief to not worry about when i would get a text or a call from the ex to stir up my emotions. Even so, the email i received on Thanksgiving from him gave me a jolt for about 30 mins and then it was over. No regrets.

*The Togetherness Project that i attended changed my viewpoint on my past experiences. It helped me to realize the magnitude of the trauma i went through. The conference gave me tools and ideas on how to heal and prepare for the future, and gave me hope and comfort in my life.

*In November a friend contacted me. She was dealing with some life problems. Heavy heavy life problems. Problems that i struggled with when i was with the ex. Problems that practically broke me; that destroyed my life. When i was dealing with these problems i would kneel down and cry to my God saying "WHY? Why me? i can't deal with this. No one should have to deal with this!" She reached out to me after having struggled by herself for so many months. She talked and i listened. i talked a little and she said, "I KNEW that you would understand! i am so glad that you are here. I had no one who I could turn to before." When our conversation was over, i curled up on the ground and bawled. i cried for her because i know how it hurts; i remember the pain and i remember the brutality of it. i cried because i was grateful; i survived and now i could help others. And then i knelt down on my knees and sobbed to my God saying, "THANK YOU. Thank you for what i have been through. Thank you for helping me deal with that so that i can help someone else. Thank you for that trial." i can truly say i am grateful.

*i have a guy friend ::giggle:: If you follow me on instagram you will have seen his face there. i suppose it's time to introduce him to the blog. i will have to write more about serious dating post divorce (different than i ever thought it would be). For now, let's just say that he is a good guy and i think i will keep him around for a bit.

Oh, hi!

Where am i now? A lot is the same as when i started 2013. i am in the same apartment (i still adore it). i have the same amazing job (i love this company, my boss, and my employees even though it stresses me out sometimes). i still enjoy living in Rexburg. My friends are as amazing and beyond as ever before.

But much has changed since last year. i have accepted my reality. And i am ok with it. In fact, i LOVE it! i love who i am. i love where i am. i am grateful for my life, for my trials, for this past year.

Last year my motto was from President Hinckley "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured."

This year i am double-mottoing it. The first is once again from Hinckley, "Try a little harder to be a little better." The second from Aristotle, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit."

Here's to 2014!

Living Alone

Let me tell you about why i love living alone:

* The whole closet is MINE!
* i can take as long of showers as i want without feeling guilty. No one is there judging me, no one else needs the hot water and no one else is paying the bill for it.
* i only have to clean up after myself.
* i don't have to worry about finding the oreo package empty when i get home from work.
* No one stinks up the bathroom right before i have to get ready for the day.
* Things stay exactly where i leave them.
* My bedroom can be decorated super girly.
* i never have to shut any doors in my house.

However, a couple incidents have happened (always at night) that have made me jump so high i had to scrape myself off the ceiling afterwards.

*For a time during the summer, i had no screen door on my slider. i still opened my slider wide once i was in bed to let in the cool breeze. One evening i was lounging and reading in bed when a cat jumped on my bed. i don't have a cat. Terrifying.

*As the fall weather started, i loved sleeping with the cool night air drifting through my house. i slept with all my doors and windows open and my house would smell so clean. i would kick all the blankets off of my bed and leave only a sheet thrown across me. In the middle of such an autumn night a storm swept in while i was sound asleep, turning the gentle breeze into a fierce wind. One gust flew through my house, slammed my bedroom door while simultaneously blowing the sheet off of me. Scariest way to wake up...ever.

*Just the other night i came home from a long exhausting day, didn't even turn the lights on in my kitchen or living room, went straight back to my room and climbed under my covers to get lost in a novel. In the beautiful stillness of my house, a digital watch beeped the hour. i don't own a watch. i knew someone was in my house. Holy Crap. Turns out one of my friends had left his wristwatch in my living room the evening before. But it was a horrible ten minutes until i discovered that.

That will get your heart pumping. No need for cardio those days! Haha!

Goal Update

There is something innately satisfying about seeing progression. Here is what i have worked toward in the last month.

#1: Get Completely Out of Debt
i spent the whole month religiously recording my expenses. My spreadsheet is simple, but effective. i love having it saved on my Google Drive so that i can access it wherever i am.

#4: Run a marathon
i love running. LOVE it! It is empowering! i'm slowly but surely creeping on up! Four days a week i pound the pavement and it's hard not to run the other three days. None of my runs are less than three miles now. My long runs are up to eight and i complete them easily; it's time to up it again! i transitioned to minimalist running shoes which i adore. The snow has made some appearances, so i invested in some warm running gear; the winter won't slow me down!

#5: Forgive Jacob
i kept looking at this goal and struggled with where to start. i didn't feel angry toward the ex (usually). But i still feel hurt. How do i define "forgiveness?"

About three weeks ago i had a bit of a revelation. i attended a conference for women who have spouses or ex spouses with sex and pornography addictions. Wow. I will have to write more about what i learned. One thing that hit me was that i do not have to be completely healed to forgive. i can still hurt or still know that what i went through was tramatic. Forgiving him does not mean that what he did was "ok" or that my pain was (and is) any less intense. It doesn't mean that i am excusing his behavior.

John Gray said "To forgive is to release another from being responsible for how we feel." This rings true to me. i can feel whatever i want to feel. Not forgiving the ex is using him as an excuse, a validation or justification for letting myself feel angry or lonely or depressed. Forgiving him may not take away those feelings, but it makes ME responsible for them! i have to own up to my own feelings.

With AMAZING Jacy, the organizer of the
Togetherness Project

Why do i love this? Because that means he has NO CONTROL over anything in my life. And THAT feels GOOD! i don't want to blame anything on him because i don't want him to be part of my life anymore. i am in control--of the good and the bad. Ok, so i'm not quite taking complete ownership yet, but i am getting closer!

i am also trying to keep a spiritual perspective on forgiveness. In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ taught "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." To be honest, i have never tried praying for somebody to whom i felt resentment. i would pray for MYSELF to be more compassionate or to have more charity. So i started praying for the ex, by name. i also try to keep his name on the Rexburg temple prayer roll. Sometimes i feel like my prayer is not as sincere as it could be...that i am just praying for him because i am supposed to. But that is changing. i am getting closer to forgiveness.

#9: Read 100 Novels
My reading has been woeful, but i did finish "Stargirl" by Jerry Spinelli

#11: Take the GRE
i started researching study guides to help me prep. A couple are added to my Amazon Wish List.

#13: Read Bible from cover to cover/#16: Scripture study nightly for 1 year

Plugging my way through Deuteronomy!

#18: Get down to 125 pounds

While i'm not there yet, i'm dropping. Since i am at a pretty healthy weight, i have to fight for every pound. i am right at 128. However, i am still losing inches. i am down to a size 4 pant size and not very many of my clothes fit me anymore. i feel pleased with how i look!

#22: Master Making a White Sauce

Done!!! The first thing i can check off. My mom gave me advice over the phone and my peas and potatoes turned out perfectly. i have done it a couple of times since and feel confident in my skills :)



Goodbye, October

It was a divine month. Halloween feels to me like the last parting shot. And my family goes all out. Here we are:

Charlie Brown Dad
"I got a rock."

Ariel Stephanie
Guest starring Flounder and Sebastian

Mad Scientist Erika

Angelic Jennifer

THE BEST FOR LAST

BO as Snow White
Cutest Jane Princess EVER!