Vanity

i was raised listening to my father say "Looking good is better than feeling good" and i wholeheartedly believe it.

i do not go out without mascara on. i do not consider putting hair in a ponytail as a hair-do. i do not own a pair of sweatpants. i do not count flip flops as shoes. i judge people who show up at work or church with wet hair. Call me superficial. Call me vain. i stand by my opinions.

An amazing blogger i follow wrote an article about dressing for the day. As i read her post i found myself nodding along and agreeing with the mantra "Dress for the day you want to have...not the one that is trying to have you." After all, you know that feeling when you step out of the house and you KNOW you look good. You have an extra bounce in your step. You feel more confident. You expect people to notice you--people WILL notice you. (Sometimes i even get this feeling if i know my toenails are beautifully painted even if they are hidden in boots).

There is a misconception that it takes a lot of money or a lot of time to look nice or done up. Here are my basic rules:
1- Always wear makeup. It only takes 5 mins to put it on and it makes all the difference.
2- Do your hair. If you want a low key style, tell your hairdresser what you are looking for so they can cut it to best work with your hair type. Check out tutorials for easy-dos. Messy buns, simple braids, curls, even straightened with a little smoothing product. Just do something!
3- Accessorize. Fun earrings and a scarf can make your whole outfit. They are cheaper to buy and you look like you made an effort.

i have had a blast playing with curls, waves and braids in my hair. i never spend more than 20mins on it (usually it's closer to 15). Here's what i came up with:

curls

Playing with french braids

Messy side fishtail braid

Messy side bun

Simple french braids+lipstick

To sum up? So maybe i'm a little vain. But i will still dress up for the day that i want...and i want a load of beautiful days. i love this quote by Coco Chanel:

"I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little--if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. And it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny."

My V-Day

V-Day. "A common name of many different public holidays in various countries to commemorate victories in important battles or wars in the countries' history" (Wikipdeia). "A day of victory" (Merriam-Webster). 

 

V-Day. Also known this time of year as an abbreviation for Valentine's Day.

 

This year for me they were synonymous.

 

Since 2005 Jake had been my "valentine." Our first Valentine's Day he gave me a movie poster of "The Phantom of the Opera," a single red rose tied with a ribbon and a handwritten note sealed with red wax. When I was in France I had a bouquet of roses delivered to my apartment. One year we spent the day in an airport in Cancun as we ended his leave time and he headed back to his deployment (i got a stunning opal bracelet). The last few years we started the tradition to bake heart shaped pizza together.

 

i didn't have a valentine this year. i didn't want one. i didn't need one. And. It. Felt. Good.

 

Stephanie came to visit this weekend with her new little puppy. She said she didn't want me to be alone on February 14th (and let's face it...we both just really wanted an excuse to see each other). Yesterday morning I sat on the floor cuddled up with her puppy (see? i DID get some Valentine's Day cuddles) and watched her get ready for the day while we chatted. She told me that she felt like i was doing well...i mean, REALLY doing well; that she felt like i didn't need her there to get through the holiday; that i am calm and collected. Now anyone that knows me also knows that rarely am i calm and collected. But she is right about one thing: i am at peace.

 

It happened last week. i found what my counselor calls my "quiet resolve" or what other people might call "closure." I have been striving towards it ever since i was in NYC and made the decision not to be a victim anymore. i spent many hours pouring over old journals, reading help books, talking things through, and writing writing writing out my feelings. As i set my New Year's resolution, i knew that i was getting closer, but part of me was still scattered, unsure and, to be frank, undecided. Last week, the final piece clicked into place. It was unexpected (both the event that helped me find my quiet resolve and the fact that i found it) but it happened fast. One moment i had agitated resolve...and then i realized i was done. It was over. i was free from the disquiet.

 

i found peace.

 

i felt the difference instantly. i am sure there will still be moments of anger or sadness. But the anger isn't a personal fire against Jake anymore. The sadness is not a desire to retrieve what we had but rather a grieving for what was lost (past, present and future). Quite frankly, i have reached a point of neutrality concerning my past marriage and my ex husband. In other words, it was what it was. i did what i could and even if i didn't, there is nothing i can do now. It is in my past. Jake is who he is and that doesn't concern me now. He is in my past. i am who i am and there is plenty that i can do now regardless of my past.

 

This Valentine's Day was amazing. i didn't receive roses. i saw plently of other people have attention lavished on them. i listened to the plans of many a happy couple. i even had one person say "Valentine's has to be so HARD for you! It's probably the WORST holiday of the year!" i laughed. i wasn't jealous. i was neutral. In all honesty.

 

Besides that, i was able to be with people that i love and who love me. And, as Victor Hugo said, "The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved--loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." But even if i had been all alone, i would have been just as fine. War won. Victory Day.

Unexpected Changes

i expected divorce to change my life. It was easy to predict some of the things that would affect me. i knew i would feel angry and lonely and depressed. i knew i would grow to enjoy my own space again. i knew i would struggle with self worth. i knew that i would have to set new goals for my life.

i did not expect to be able to talk about it causually with random persons without crying. i did not expect anxiety attacks in the grocery store or at so many small triggers. i did not expect to make a whole new group of friends so quickly who don't care that i am divorced. i did not expect to need a counselor for so long.

One seemingly small change (that is actually quite a large one for me) has been my reading list. i usually have several different books going, in several genres: a Newberry winner, a classic novel and a fantasy, for example. Lately....well...let me introduce you to my beside table:

All books to help me cope with my life that have been suggested by my counselor or friends. And there are three more on their way from Amazon. Here is what is on the menu:

Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves by C. Terry Warner recommended by a friend which discusses letting go of the negative emotions that get in the way of healthy relationships.

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. One woman's journey through a year of testing old addages about how to be happy and what truly makes one happy. The idea is for me to be inspired to find my own happiness in my own way...but perhaps with a few of her suggestions.

The Divorce Recovery Sourcebook by D B. Berry. It covers everything (in a general nutshell) of the emotional and legal impact of divorce and moving ahead.

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by D. J. Bourne prescribed by my counselor. Supposedly it is a "practical, step-by-step directions for the mastery of relaxation, exercise, coping with panic, overcoming negative self-talk, changing mistaken beliefts, self-esteem, nutrition, meditation techniques and anxiety-evoking health conditions." Should have seen that one coming...

On the way are these books that will help me understand what happened better with the ex and to help educate and prepare myself in case i end up facing a similar situation again.

He  Restoreth My Soul: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography  Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ by Donald L. Hilton. An absolute must read for anyone that has a loved one dealing with this addiction. i would also recommend it to any parents! i read the first few chapters from a borrowed copy and decided that it was a must have for my personal library. Brutal but beneficial.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself  by Melody Beattie suggested by my counselor. Those trying to help spouses through difficult times apparently fall quickly into co-dependency.

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self  by Charles L. Whitfield.

Whew. By the time i am through, i will have my own personal collection of "self-help" books. i have never really attempted to "help myself" through literature like this before, so the next several months shall be interesting. i hope that the effort will be worth the while.

...And i might have to sneak a little Tolkien in there somewhere, anyway.

Year End

It is painful to reflect on 2012. i can't think about where i was, but i can reflect on where i am now and where i want to be at the end of 2013.

Where am i? i am in an absolutely beautiful apartment. It feels like...me...my own, my home. i have never had a place before that shouted so completely: JENNIFER! i am in a solid job with an amazing boss and incredible employees under me. i am surrounded by friends who are surprisingly insightful, thoughtful and loving. i am in a family ward that has done a decent job so far of accepting my unique circumstance. i have space to set my own schedule...or not. i am in counseling to help me to heal and learn and grow. i am coming to terms with my new reality and with myself. i am a mess...but i'm an optimistic mess.

At first thought, the only "goal" i wanted to put on my list of resolutions was "2014." That still is something i would like to do...to survive the coming year. But as i've said before, i also want to ENJOY. i am laughing more these days. i smile easier. And it feels good! i want to give myself more reasons to smile, laugh and be happy.

Several weeks ago in a Sunday School lesson, the teacher asked about the purpose of life. i felt that the purpose of life was to be perfected--to become more like Christ. The only way to be perfected is to go through trials that will strengthen me. In other words, my life will mostly be going through trials so that i can improve.

While i still believe this, last week in the temple i received an overwhelming feeling that my Father in Heaven wants me to feel joy. Yes, i am here to learn and grow, but it's not all about the trials. God wants me to have happiness and enjoy my life as well.

That feeling has prompted me to make only one resolution for 2013. In two words:

LOVE LIFE

i am still allowed to mourn sometimes. Or be angry. Or cry. But it will be the exception, not the rule.

Is anyone else done with 2012??? Bring on the New Year!

"It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last..." -Counting Crows

Productivity

Awhile ago i posted about my bucket list. Since then, i have actually crossed a couple things off. Man, does it feel good! :)

This is what i've accomplished.

*Get Scuba Certified

That's Maui. That's me scuba diving. That's a sea turtle. That's right. :)

*Beat Jacob at Texas Hold 'Em
Little did i know how hard checking this off would be. Little did i know what an amazing bluffer he was...a pro, really. Little did i know that i would be dealt a royal flush. But when all the cards were on the table and there were no secrets anymore, it turned out that he lost--big time. And i'm still standing, so i guess that means i beat him. Game Over.

*See a show on Broadway

I actually saw two shows! i went to "Evita" by myself and then "Peter and the Starcatchers" with my cousin, Leon. It was hard to choose what to see but both performances were phenomenal. Oh the voices some people have!

*Have a follower on my blog that i've never met
Welcome, friends! When i, in desperation to find someone who understood my situation, reached out to others, they reached back out to me. Amazing.

*Go to a midnight premier of a movie

My friend, Benjamin took me to see Peter Jackson's version of Tolkien's "The Hobbit." It was amusing to see people in costume (especially with bare hobbit feet when it was so very cold outside!). The  movie was....interesting. i'll have to give it a second go, i think. Mostly i was really sleepy but enjoyed the experience nonetheless.

*Museum hop in New York
MoMA (Museum of Modern Art):

 

Guggenheim:

 



Metropolitan Museum of Art:

And they were lovely.

 

 

The world didn't end yesterday as predicted. Part of me was a little bummed...after all life can be exhausting. But then again, it would be a shame not to put a check next to every item on my list. And who knows what's next? Peru? Petra? Possibly!!

 

 





Fading

It's been over five months since i've seen him. i'm starting to forget. You know, the little things like the exact way his laugh sounds, the way it feels to have our fingers intertwined, the way he smells, the exact color of his eyes. And i can't flip through pictures to remind myself...it would completely undo me. It's like looking back at our life through a dirty window; the images are still there but not very clear anymore.



i don't want to remember. i don't want to forget.

It hurts.

Oh, it hurts so exquisitely.

This is why we are friends

i recently reconnected at the home of one of my mission buddies. It had been a long time since we had seen each other and much had changed...in both of our lives. Although some of the conversation was somber as we discussed the difficulties of life, we also spent a good long time laughing at mission memories. Some of my favorites happened with this companion.

For example, there was the time i took my nylons off in the middle of the street, or the time we were talking to a bus driver and made him run into a pole, or the time i accidentally kicked some stray dog's fresh droppings on the back of her skirt.

During our conversation, her cute little weiner dog ran into the room, clearly excited to see company. He jumped up on the couch in order to get a better look at me and say hello. Within seconds he had rolled onto his back for a belly scratch. As soon as i stretched out my hand to rub his stomach, he began to piddle...all over my hand and my leg.

When i arrived back home, the following text conversation ensued:

Me:
"i have to say--
1-It was wonderful to see you.
2- i can't believe your dog peed on me and i think you put him up to it as revenge for the poop kicking incident
3-i still love you"

Her:
"Jennifer, I have three things to say to you:
1- Likewise
2- Damn straight--you know you deserved that &
3-No, I haven't taken up swearing. I just felt like making you smile and thought profanity might do the trick"

It worked. i laughed for at least 5 minutes. i love you, Hermanita!