Blessings

Amazing things are happening in my life.

Horribly difficult.

Extremely painful.

Time consuming.

Emotionally exhausting.

Amazing.

It started with going to Camp Scabs. Along with eleven other ladies (including our host, Jane) i disappeared from the world to a cabin in Island Park for a couple of days.

And it was lovely

We were all spouses/ex spouses of sex addicts. We left the craziness that our lives have become to enter a place of honesty, openness, safety and healing. There was no judgment. There was much tears, laughter, understanding and bonding.

Blessed to have these women in my life

These are now my sisters. I have yet to go more than two days without being in contact with one of them. How did i not realize beforehand how much i need them in my life?

But what really happened at camp was telling my story. i had told it before (on this blog even) but for the first time in front of people that i didn't know at all but who i knew would understand me in a deeper way than anyone else had before. And what came out of my mouth shocked me. Pain. Anguish. Wounds. Tears. Things that i thought were gone and healed. Things that i didn't even realized had hurt me in the first place.  Parts of my story that had never been uttered to anyone else. Not even in my journals. Not even to myself.

As i sat, surrounded by these amazing women, i realized that i was in need of help. Going to therapy certainly had been helping me. Reading my scriptures was good for my spirit. But it wasn't enough. i needed the balm that these women provided--a support system.

And so i decided to take a new step. It was scary, but necessary.

i went to my first S-Anon meeting. Not only that, but i asked for a sponsor.

Having a sponsor is pushing me to grow in ways i never realized that i could. i am finding myself engrossed in study and prayer and meditation and writing. i read and highlight and underline and reread and then start all over again. The resources that i have been given by my sponsor are inspired.

Personal Study at Island Park

i am reaching out and reaching upward and reaching inward. The honesty and humility that are necessary for true healing HURT. It is going to be a long road (there will be many more posts about recovery, i am sure) but i am ENCOURAGED.

Camp Swag (buy your own here)

i will make it. So will my sisters. See, we are a strong bunch. We have to BE BRAVE! And we do have fire in our spirits.

At the Top of the World with my sisters

Reading vs Running

i have always been a reader but it is only in the last six months that i have felt confident enough to call myself a runner.

Before i started running, i was easily consuming at least 5-6 novels a month. i lost myself in Dickens, Austen, Hardy and Tolkien. When i started running, an interesting thing happened...my reading fell by the wayside. Never before had i gone so long, reading so little.

Looking back, i realize why i stopped reading. i am pushing myself so hard physically that when i finally sit down, i am so worn out. i would open my novels and get nowhere. But the real problem was that i still expected to gobble up Tolstoy, Steinbeck and Darwin. It was heavy stuff! Not only that, but i felt guilty abandoning it once i had started. i couldn't bring myself to move on to something else. On top of everything, my personal scripture study has been to read through the Old Testament (not exactly the easiest of studies).

Then i found Daniel Pennac's "Reader's Bill of Rights":

1. The right to not read

2. The right to skip pages

3. The right to not finish

4. The right to reread

5. The right to read anything

6. The right to escapism

7. The right to read anywhere

8. The right to browse

9. The right to read out loud

10. The right to not defend your tastes

That was enough for me! i decided i didn't have to feel bad about reading light and easy. i abandoned "The Silmarillion," "The Pipwick Papers," and "Jesus the Christ." i went to the library and stocked up on YA lit and paperback adult fantasy. And i have CONSUMED them--and i'm not even embarrassed to admit it. Although i do feel a little less guilty since i have discovered that i do run better and faster blasting a book in my ears instead of music, even if the book is not a page turner (now playing "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac).

i'm sure that someday i will delve back into my classics. After all, i do love them immensely. But for now, i will get lost in the Dresden Files.